Find Wonder in All Things

chapter 25

Laurel peered into the dim bedroom that was her mother’s sanctuary. The sun was shining outside, but the shades were drawn, and any light inside came from the television. Cross-stitch, yarn, and sewing projects were lined up around the walls, perched on top of each other.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Mrs. Elliot cleared off a chair and put the pattern pieces in a stack after a few seconds’ careful consideration. “I’ve got some more things ready to go to that craft fair down in Gatlinburg next month. Some Christmas items: aprons and sweaters and such. Didn’t you say there was a big market for Christmas things down there at this time of year?”

“I did say that, but I’m not sure I’m still going to Gatlinburg next month.”

“Not going? But don’t you do a lot of business down there?”

“Yes, as a rule, but I may have something else in the works that I’ll need to concentrate on.” Laurel pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her mother.

Mrs. Elliot turned on a lamp and read through it, lips moving with the words. She looked up at Laurel with wide eyes, dark crescents underneath them. “This is good news, isn’t it?”

Laurel beamed. “Yes, Mama, very good news. Mr. Dearinger is an expert in manufacturing. He has a lot of people working for him who know about making dishes, and he wants to talk to me about designing some patterns for his company. He’ll help me mass-produce the ones his marketing team thinks would be most popular. And the best part is, if this works out like I think it will, I’ll still be able to design my own pottery too. It’s the best of both worlds. I can make a good living as an artist now.”

“Has your daddy seen this?”

“Yes, he’s very happy for me. I thought you would be too, so I came over to show you the proposal.”

“I am, I am.” Her mother’s face was without emotion; her eyes were without sparkle. “I’m sorry I can’t show it more. I’m afraid I’m not feeling too well today.”

“It’s okay; I understand.” Laurel felt a mild stab of disappointment, but it was about what she had expected and probably as much as her mother was capable of giving her. Laurel had other news that she wasn’t as sure her mother would be happy about.

“Mama, I have something else to tell you too.”

“Okay.”

“Do you remember James Marshall, the guy who wanted me to move away with him to Nashville when I was in college?”

“Yes, I remember.” Her mother’s look was guarded.

“Well, I caught up with him again last summer. I saw a lot of him, and he came to Asheville this weekend.”

“Oh.”

“I want to get back together with him, and I think he might want the same thing.”

“I see.”

“I still love him, Mama, and I have to find out if he loves me too.”

There was a silence.

Finally, her mother spoke softly. “So if he wants you to, you will leave Uppercross?”

“Yes. But even if I go with him, I’ll still have to come back East sometimes to meet with Mr. Dearinger’s people and, hopefully, get the pottery thing going. And I’ll still come see you and Dad as often as I can. Spring will be off at college in a few months, so you won’t need me to help take care of her anymore. I might not move right away, but given the opportunity with my pottery, I’ll probably have to eventually anyway. And I think moving might be a good thing for me, regardless of what happens with James.”

She covered her mother’s soft hand with her own and pressed it gently.

“I know you’re upset, but I’m a grown woman now, and I want to make a life for myself. And if I can have it, I want a life with James — more than anything.”

Her mother shook her head. “No, Mountain Laurel, you misunderstand me. I know I was adamant about you not going with that boy and moving far from home, but that was then and this is now.

“You see, when I said those things all those years ago, I wanted to keep you from being trapped in a life you didn’t want, like I was.”

“I know, but — ”

“It’s a cruel irony that because you followed my advice, you ended up trapped anyway, except, instead of being up on a mountain with a husband and a bunch of children to love, because of me you were up there all alone.”

“Oh Mama,” Laurel said in dismay.

Mrs. Elliot’s eyes filled. “I never thought you’d be alone. You were so pretty. You had so much spunk and life. I thought some nice, steady man would see that and love you for it. I thought I was telling you right, I really did. I was afraid you would end up like me if you left, but I realized too late that it wasn’t my circumstances that trapped me. I was the one who trapped myself. It’s too late to change anything now, but I think — I’ve thought for a few years now — that maybe I made a mistake persuading you to stay. But it was too late . . . too late . . . ”

Mrs. Elliot was slipping back into herself, but Laurel had to try and make her understand. There were so many things about her mother that she couldn’t control, so forgiveness was the best Laurel could offer to the woman who gave her life. She reached out and grasped her mother’s hand. “Mama, listen. I’ve thought a lot about this over the years — about whether I made a mistake all those years ago. And do you know what I’ve determined?”

“What?”

“I’ve determined that I’ll never know the answer to that question, and I have to accept that. If I had gone with James the first time he asked me, there’s no guarantee that things would have turned out well. Maybe they would have. I’d like to think that we were meant for each other and would have found a way to make a good life together no matter the circumstances, but I know in my heart of hearts that timing might have played a much bigger role in this than I could ever have imagined, for both of us.”

Her mother looked at her and waited for her to continue.

“Ideally, people meet someone they can love all their lives at a time when they’re ready to make that commitment — like James’s sister Susan and her husband did. Sometimes that someone has been there all along, and then one day both people wake up and realize that they want to be together — like Stuart and Virginia. But sometimes, I think there must be a mismatch between finding the person you love and the time in your life when you find him, and I think that’s what happened with James and me. We both made mistakes. If he had been more patient, or if I had been less scared, we might have been able to work around that mismatch all those years ago. But then, he wouldn’t be who he is now, and I wouldn’t be who I am. And now I think we can be really happy together, so how can I argue with that?”

Mrs. Elliot gave her daughter a thin, watery smile. Laurel kissed her cheek.

“You know Daddy’s favorite saying — Find wonder in all things, no matter how pedestrian? I used to think that meant we should notice and celebrate even the smallest details of our lives, but now I see it another way. Now, I believe it means that all those ordinary things are wonderful — even the sad ones and the mistakes — because, no matter how we perceive them at the time, they all come together and serve a purpose in the end. Life is an intricate, magnificent orchestra, and each event — big and small — has a part in it. We have to listen for opportunities to be happy. But it isn’t enough just to listen, we also have to seize them when they present themselves, and it’s time for me to do that now.

“I don’t blame you, Mama, for these years that I was without James. I don’t blame him, and I don’t blame myself. I know I had to learn to reach for happiness. At eighteen, I wasn’t wise enough to discern that, but now I am wiser, and now I choose out of strength and love — not out of fear of the unknown. Now I have a chance at the life I might never have had otherwise. Do you understand at all?”

Mrs. Elliot smiled a sad smile. “I think so, but mostly, I’m just grateful that you forgive me. Perhaps my life wasn’t a complete failure after all if I have a wise, strong daughter like you.”

Laurel reached over and hugged her mother. “I don’t pretend to understand what it is you go through day after day, but Mama, I really do believe that no life is a failure.”

Her mother drew back, a flat look descending like a curtain over her face. “I’m so discombobulated today. Maybe I’m just tired. I guess I should rest a little more.” And in the span of a moment, her mother’s spirit was gone, buried beneath the years of chronic depression from which Laurel wasn’t sure she would ever emerge.