Clay got in the shower and we looked in the phone book for a place to get some more provisions. There was a Target two towns over. So we got in Clay's car and went to Brookerton. We loaded up on shampoo, soap, toothbrushes and toothpaste. I splurged a bit and got myself a curling iron and hair dryer. I was glad that I had thought to grab my cash card before leaving Davidson.
We went back to the motel room and I brushed my teeth for at least fifteen minutes. I had never been so thankful for toothpaste in my life. I spent some time and curled my hair, letting it rest in pretty waves around my shoulders. Just because we were on the run, didn't mean I couldn't look nice. When I was finished, I sat beside Clay on the bed. He was going through messages on his phone. He looked up at me and smiled tenderly. He touched a strand of my hair. “You look beautiful.” He said softly. I leaned over and kissed him, feeling so full of love in that moment.
His attention was pulled back to his phone. “What is it?” I asked, peering over his shoulder. “Ruby texted me last night.” He said, turning the screen off. “What did she say?” I asked him. “She wanted to know where I was.” “Did you answer her?” I inquired. Clay shook his head. “Not yet. I'm not really sure what to tell her.”
We were quiet for awhile. The weight of our decision playing heavily on our minds. “What are we going to do? I mean, we can't stay in this motel room forever.” I reasoned, picking at the skin around my fingernails. Clay smirked. “Why not? This is high class living.” He joked. I lightly punched his arm.
He sobered. “I know you're right. I just can't go back there. My life is over if I go back. Maybe we could find some quiet town to live in. We could get jobs, a place to live. Really start a life together.” Clay seemed so hopeful. I, of course, knew that sort of wishful thinking would never happen. I still needed to finish high school. And what about college? Yeah, I didn't think things through very clearly in my rush to run away with Clay.
In the harsh light of day, things seemed a lot less simple and more like a big ol' mess. I didn't respond to his statement. Not sure I could agree with his rosy-colored view of the future. “Why don't we just stay here a day or two. We have enough money for that and then we can figure things out.” Clay said, taking my hand in his.
A day or two seemed okay. Maybe just some time to relax and put things in perspective is what Clay needed to make a sensible decision. I could give him that. “Okay.” I agreed, snuggling into his side. Clay wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.
“This is all I need, Mags. Just you and me, together.” He murmured as I listened to the sound of his heart beat under my ear. He made it sound so perfect. But I knew the life we were creating for ourselves was anything but.
“Did you bring your medication, Clay?” I asked after I woke up from our afternoon nap. Clay stiffened for a minute before pulling away. He got off of the bed and walked into the bathroom. I followed him and watched him from the door way as he filled a cup with water and took a drink.
“You didn't bring them, did you.” I stated instead of asking. Clay gave me his best charming smile. “I'll be fine without them. I haven't really been taking them for awhile anyway. You'll see. Now that we're away from all that stress, it won't be like it was before. I promise.” I couldn’t believe he had been lying to me for weeks. I thought he had still been taking the lithium. His crazy behavior started to make more sense.
“What's awhile?” I asked him. Clay frowned. “I don't know. Since early November, I guess. Don't worry about it.” Early November!!! I know my mouth hung open. I couldn't believe he had been so sneaky about it.
I felt like such a fool. Here, I had been trying to rationalize everything, thinking he was just jealous, or under a lot of stress. But no, it was because he hadn't been doing what he needed to do to regulate himself-to take care of himself. I wanted to punch him, or scream at him. But I knew that would just make it worse.
Damn it! Rachel was right. I couldn't do this. I needed to get Clay back to Davidson. This was a tightrope walk, and I knew it was just a matter of time before he fell off and he took me with him. My face must have paled because Clay grabbed me by my upper arms.
“Stop it, Maggie! Don't start worrying about me. I will be all right. Things will be perfect. Just how we wanted them to be. I don't need those stupid pills as long as I have you.” His words chilled me. He really did seem to believe that.
When had I become his new medication? And when had I started enabling him? I loved Clay so much, but this was not right. He couldn't replace his medication with me and think things would be okay. He was seriously deluding himself.
“Clay, you need your meds.” I whispered, trying to hide how appalled I was at his lack of responsibility and maturity. Clay's face darkened. “Don't start with me, Maggie. I told you, I'm fine.” He brushed past me into the room.
I had to figure something out. But I wasn't sure how I could convince Clay to go back home. He was certain that being away from Davidson and his parents would make everything okay. He was so, so wrong.
“I'm scared for you.” I said, watching him as he pulled a new shirt out of his bag and put it on. Clay's shoulders tensed. “Well, don't be. You're over thinking things again.” He said flippantly. I wanted to be angry with him for putting us in this position. For doing this to himself. But I caught a glimpse at the healing cuts on his chest and arms as he pulled his shirt over his head and I just felt sad. I wanted him to be happy and healthy. Maybe I could just give him the few days he asked for. And then convince him to go home. He would listen to me, right? I mean, he loved me.