Daniel sat across the table and looked at me. “We know this has to do with Clay. He's MIA all the time now and you look like someone ran over your cat. Just tell me if I have to kick his ass. I've been wanting to for awhile anyway.” I closed my eyes and struggled to hold it all in.
“We broke up.” I admitted, putting my head down on the table. “Aww, sweetheart. Why didn't you tell us?” Rachel asked soothingly, rubbing my back as I started to shake. I couldn't answer her, so they just let me try and get myself together. I couldn't cry, having no tears left. I sat there trying to breathe around the pain in my chest. Finally I calmed down. Sitting up, I took the tissue Rachel offered and blew my nose. “What happened?” Rachel asked, still rubbing my back in gentle circles.
“He changed. We changed. He didn't want me in his business. There's not much else to say about it.” I answered cagily. I didn't want to get into the root of our relationship's problems. There were too many to list. “You're better off, Mags. Trust me. You don't need that shit.” Daniel said as he reached over to squeeze my hand. I pulled away. “You don't understand! I'm not better off! I miss him!”
Rachel and Daniel were quiet a moment as I started to cry. So much for not having anymore tears. When would I be done with this crap? After a few minutes of enduring my misery, Rachel wiped my cheeks and snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Wake up, Maggie! He makes you miserable! Do not wallow over someone who you're better off without. Have more self resect than that!” She said sternly.
Daniel nodded in agreement. “This is not the Maggie Young we know and love. I'm not sure who this whiny, pathetic chick is, but I kind of hate her.” Daniel quipped, raising his eyebrows at me. I sniffled and blew my nose again. “I know you're right. But it's hard to ignore my feelings like that. I love him so much.” I lamented, feeling the beginnings of a headache.
“Love? Really? I'm not sure if that's a love I'd want to have, Maggie.” Rachel commented, shoving the rest of her pack of tissues towards me. I didn't respond to her statement. I didn't want to try and justify the relationship I had had with Clay. Because it would only sound needy and sad and would only further her argument.
But I needed to get myself together. I needed to try and move past the heartache. I had to try and forget about the fact that no matter how much I hurt, I knew deep down that Clay was in his own personal hell. I wanted to save him so badly and that was an instinct that was hard to turn off.
“Come on, lets get to class. And after school, I'll come back to your house. I bet you I can get your parents to let up on this ridiculous grounding of yours.” Rachel said confidently. I gave her a wobbly smile. “Thanks, guys. You really are the best.” I said quietly, feeling absolutely no energy. I had cried it all out.
So, I made the decision to let go of Clayton Reed. But, he had become so deeply entrenched in my heart and my life that removing him was like removing a limb. How do you try and forget about someone you had loved like the other part of you?
It helped that I never saw Clay anymore. It was like he had disappeared. Or died.
My parents had finally agreed to end my stupid grounding. It probably helped that the reason for my punishment was no longer in the picture. I knew Rachel had talked to my mom about what was going on between Clay and me. Because the frosty climate in my house thawed considerably.
I tried to be happy with the renewal of the relationship I had with my parents. They stopped looking at me like I was a mutant that had taken over their precious daughter's body. And I really worked on overcoming the urge to curl up into a ball and stay that way. I forced myself to do my homework. I made myself go out with Rachel and Daniel after school, though I refused to step foot into Bubble's when Rachel suggested a banana split. Every time I drove by the place, I thought I would throw up.
I found myself fighting the need to call Clay. Even though two weeks had passed since we had broken up, it did nothing to deaden the pain. I wanted to see him so badly that I finally made Rachel erase his number from my phone.
Because the heartbreaking truth was if Clay wanted to see me, he would have. The fact that he had made zero effort confirmed all of my deepest fears. That he didn't love me as much as he said he did. Otherwise, how could he stay away from me like this?
Then there were the days I worried something had happened to him. What if he had hurt himself? I would have to talk myself off the ledge of a full blown freak out by convincing myself that Ruby or Lisa would have notified me if that had happened. Despite the fact that Clay had cut me out of his life completely, they had to know that I would want to know.
Okay, so I eventually caved and drove by Clay's house one Friday. I just wanted to make sure he was all right. I was relieved when I saw Clay's car in the driveway as well as the fact it was the only one there. He must be home alone.
I slowed down as I passed by, my eyes flickering up to his window on the second floor. Of course I couldn't see anything, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering what he was doing. I had to push aside the scary thoughts of him cutting himself or worse.
I had put my pedal down on the accelerator and drove away as fast as I could.
And I had thought that was it. I had decided from that point on that I needed to put Clay and our destructive relationship behind me. I felt firm in my resolve.
And then it all crumbled around me.
Chapter Twenty
The days all started to blur together. The pre-Clay boredom came back with a numbing quickness. My old routines started all over again and the excitement to begin my day every morning had dwindled into non-existence.