Was all first love this intense? I remember watching Daniel and Kylie as they stumbled through their relationship, sneering at how ridiculous they were. If only I had realized how hard it was to keep a level head when you were buried deep in these feelings.
I had convinced Rachel to cover for me so we could go away to the cabin. She was not happy about lying to my parents. She felt guilt way too intensely and I worried she'd never be able to keep up the charade. But after days of begging, she finally agreed, even as I knew this was yet another tally in the anti-Clay column. But I needed to be with him, just the two of us. An entire night where we could be together. It sounded like bliss.
As the days got closer to our get away, even my reluctant friends couldn't deny the excitement of getting out of town. Daniel had asked Clay if he could invite Ray and Clare, and Clay had agreed; much to my relief. I hoped the presence of Ray and Clare would help to neutralize the tension that I knew would otherwise be present. So everyone planned our crazy night away and I reveled in the new level of comradery that descended over Clay and my friends.
Thanksgiving came and went and I enjoyed having a quiet meal with my parents. I even braved the mall to go shopping on Black Friday. I allowed my mom to talk me into getting some new clothes. I got some new pants and shirts, letting myself embrace my girlie side with more feminine gear.
While my mom was busy picking out some new bras and underwear at Victoria's Secret, I took the opportunity to pick out some items for myself. I had to make sure that my mother didn't see me choosing several lacy pairs of panties and matching push up bras. Holding up a see-through pair of underwear, I imagined Clay taking them off of me and my blood heated up. Yep, I was getting these for sure. I surreptitiously paid for the items and then hid the bright pink bag in my purse.
Saturday morning, Rachel came over and helped me pack for our night. She oohed and ahhed over the new clothes I had gotten, calling dibs on the cute black off the shoulder top my mom had picked out. It was the first time in weeks where I felt that old ease and normalcy in our relationship. I was convinced tonight would be just what I needed. Not only because I would have time with Clay, but I could repair my relationships with my friends.
“You're mom has some serious style, Mags.” Rachel commented, stuffing the black top into my overnight bag. I found my super snug skinny jeans and put them in the bag as well. “Yeah, she dresses way better than I do.” I admitted, rummaging through my underwear drawer and pulling out several pairs of bra and panties that I had chosen yesterday.
“Wow, so you and Clay. Alone. All night. Are you ready for that?” Rachel asked me, chewing on her bottom lip in a way that indicated she was nervous. “Shh.” I hissed, closing my bedroom door. “Sorry.” Rachel said, lowering her voice.
“I don' know, Rach. I do know that I love him and he loves me. And whatever happens, happens.” I said determinedly. Rachel picked at her nails. “Well, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Don't let a guy make you feel like you should, you know?” I knew what she was getting at. It didn't take a rocket science to figure out she was telling me that she worried I would be pressured to have sex. If she only knew how many times it was Clay who put a halt to things.
“I know that. I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do.” I assured her. Rachel nodded, apparently trying to take me at my word. Why did I get the feeling she didn't believe me?
“This is the real deal, Rach. I love him.” I told her, sitting down on my bed. Rachel sat down beside me and put her arm around me and laying her head on my shoulder. “I know you do, Maggie. And I'm happy you've found that.” Rachel sounded genuine and I felt my stomach unclench in relief. I leaned into her. “Thanks.” I said and we were quiet a moment. “What about you and Daniel? Are you going to play nice this weekend?” I asked, nudging her with my shoulder.
Rachel grunted. “I'll play nice if he plays nice.” she said tersely. I gave her arm a pinch. “I know you're angry with him. He hurt you. I understand how hard it is to open that part of yourself to someone. But Daniel cares about you. And maybe the timing just wasn't right. Don't rule it out. You guys are made for each other.” Rachel shrugged. “I don't know. If he can forget about Kylie for more than two minutes, maybe you'd be right.” I felt bad for her, because she was speaking the truth. “Besides, even though things are weird with us right now, he's still one of my best friends. And as much as I fantasize about us being something else, I really don't want to ruin our friendship.” She said wistfully.
“I know. But the best relationships are built on friendship first.” I said, zipping up my bag. Rachel shrugged again. “I seriously doubt Daniel sees me as anything but a friend. Hell, he thought we had penises!” I laughed, recalling that conversation clearly. But, I for one, knew that Daniel wasn't entirely unaffected by Rachel. I had seen his eyes when he saw her in that pink sparkly dress at Fall Formal. I saw how upset he got when she was mad at him. He had feelings for her alright. If he was willing to act on them was the real question.
“I just think life's too short to get hung up on maybes.” I told her simply. Rachel rolled her eyes at me. “Well aren't you philosophical all of a sudden. Love has turned you into Gandhi.” I laughed as I hoisted my bulging duffel bag on my shoulder and headed down the stairs.