The thought wakens my inner cravings. My addiction roars its demand. I need to find Hatch.
I roll out of bed and look for my panties on the floor. I squint to distinguish one piece of clothing from the other out of the mass that covers the floor. I settle on one of Hatch’s dirty shirts and slide it over my head. A wave of dizziness washes over me and I fight to stay upright.
“Fuck.” I rub my temples. It must be later than I thought. Usually I don’t get like this until the afternoon.
Stumbling over empty beer cans and biker boots, I finally make it to the door. The blare of country music and deep voices filter through from the other side. Yep, definitely the afternoon.
I stagger out of the room and down the long hallway into the living room. My eyes scour the smoky air, looking for Hatch. I spot him on the couch with an MC slut straddling his lap. Typical.
In a few achy steps I’m at his side. I cross my arms at my stomach to keep from giving away the tremors that are wracking my body. “Hatch, can I talk to you for a sec?”
He looks up at me and glares. “I’m busy.”
I look to the girl whose eyes are closed, her head dropped to the side as if she’s having a hard time holding it up. “Um . . . yeah, I know. I’m sorry, but I need a hit.”
His expression softens. “Yeah? You hurtin’?”
I nod and tighten my arms around my torso.
He smacks the girl on her bare thigh and she jumps. “Up.”
She struggles, but Hatch doesn’t wait and shoves her aside where she falls like dead weight on the couch. He tucks me into his side. “Come on, Annie. Let’s get you taken care of.”
Annie. All the bikers caught on to the nickname given to me by Zip when I stumbled into this life. The red hair fought for their cause, and Annie stuck.
I snuggle into him, grateful that for the first time in as far as I can remember someone cared about me. I know, logically, that his feeding me drugs and taking my body whenever he wants isn’t ideal, but it’s more than I’ve ever had. And for now, it’s good enough.
When I’m high, the dreams stay away. My drug-induced haze placates the demons so that they can’t remind me of all I’ve lost.
We head back to his room where he leaves me on the bed and goes to his safe. The tremors are getting bad, and I can’t keep the muscles in my legs from jumping. I rock back and forth. Keep moving, always keep moving.
“Here ya go, baby.”
I look up and he’s pouring out a small white line of powder along the edge of his thumb. “Thank you, Hatch.”
He holds his hand out and nods. Like a starving child being offered a meal, I grip his wrist and pull it to my nose. I push against one side of my nose and suck back the white powder. The back of my nose and throat burn for an instant before they numb. My head zaps back to clarity and my muscles release their grip on my body.
“More, please.”
He grips my chin and presses his lips against mine hard. The smell of stale cigarettes and booze floods my senses.
“You’re hot when you beg.” He pours out another line and I jump on it, starving for the sweet relief I know it brings.
He tosses the small bag onto the bed at my side. “Make it last.”
I scamper to it, grabbing the bag and curling it into the protection of both hands. “Okay, I will.”
He tilts his head and looks down at me. I can tell by the way his eyes darken, he’s expecting payment. I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is what I’ve agreed to. I don’t hate Hatch. He’s given me more than I deserve. I’m afraid to lose him.
He fumbles with his belt and unzips his jeans. His hand glides over my tangled hair. “I like this color, Annie. Suits you.” His fist tightens against my scalp, but I’m too numb to register pain. “Hurry up. I’ve got shit to do.”
Twenty-three
She fills the empty space
Substitution, close to real.
I put on a happy face
But she’ll never be the girl.
--Ataxia
Rex
“Em, I gotta go.” I trail a few soft kisses up her neck to her jaw. “We’ll grab breakfast in the morning.”
“Mmm . . .” She nods and tilts her head to allow my lips more room to explore.
I smile against her neck. Being with Emma like this has been great for my therapy. She has no problem taking things slow, and I’ve been able to ease back into being physical with a woman.
After my fallout with Gia, the realization of what had happened to me, the guilt, shame, made me want to axe off my own dick. I needed a constant reminder of how dirty I am—a physical representation of my disease.
The piercing itself took seconds, but the feeling of a heavy barbell between my legs reminds me of what I’ll never do again. Where I’ll never go again.
She groans when I pull back from her neck.