I tiptoe toward the direction of the bathroom when a sound freezes me in my tracks. “Oh no, Rex . . .”
Loud, uncontrollable sobs transpire between the sounds of his retching. The audible heartbreak spears through my body and I double over. Hands on my knees, I breathe through the crippling pain of hearing his.
And just like back then, the need to comfort him overwhelms me. I take a deep breath and move to the door. He’s talking, mumbling to himself. I press my ear to the wood and close my eyes, willing him to feel my comfort.
“I can’t get clean.” His voice cracks.
“Shhh . . . I’m here.” I’m whispering too softly for him to hear me, but hope somewhere in his heart he feels me here. “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
“Fuck.” The single curse is laced with pain and shock.
My eyes shoot open and my heart picks up its pace. Is he hurt?
Flashbacks from the day he was taken away by the paramedics covered in his own blood blind me with panic. Would he do that again with no one around to save him? No, I can’t let that happen. He can’t die.
My hand twists the door handle, and I push into the bathroom without the conscious thought to do so. The room is big and filled with steam, so I can’t make out where he is other than following the sound of his soft whimpering. He must not have heard me come in over the rush of the shower.
The steam starts to clear, and I see the outline of a large stall with a glass door. A darkened area toward the bottom of the shower I identify immediately.
“Rex.”
He’s curled up, his arms wrapped around his shins, rocking. He doesn’t seem to notice me, so I move in closer.
And then I see it.
Blood.
Lots of it.
I drop to the tile floor and scurry to the glass, my hands splayed against the see-through barrier. Oh no!
“Oh, God, Rex, what did you do?”
He stops rocking but doesn’t look up.
“Rex. Talk to me.”
“I had to get them off.” Squeezing his legs in tight to his body, the blood from his arms creates red serpents that slither down his tattooed shins finally to be washed away. “They won’t stop touching me.”
Tears sting my cheeks. “They can’t hurt you anymore.”
“But they do.”
I’ve had to watch Rex suffer from a distance for too long, locked behind a door or shackled by our past. But those things can’t keep me from him anymore.
I pull open the shower door and climb inside with him. The water hits my back in a burning onslaught. I can see most of the damage is to his arms and neck, but I don’t know what he’s hiding in the parts I can’t see. I check for a knife, something sharp, but in my quick once over find nothing. I squint through the foggy air to his marked skin. Scratches. It looks as though he did this with his own hands.
With one objective, I move across the shower to him and wrap my arms around his body. He leans into my hold, but doesn’t let up on the grip he has on his shins, keeping himself in the safety of his little ball.
This is what I always wanted to do when we were kids: comfort him like this and let him cry into me, hoping that I could somehow carry some of his burden.
I don’t speak just hold him while the water pounds and the steam billows around us. He feels so tiny in my arms, fragile and precious, a life worth protecting. He shakes with every breath. Tiny whimpers fall from his lips. My mind searches for something that will help while my body gives in to the grief and slumps against his.
“Sing to me?” His voice is so soft I wouldn’t have heard it if I hadn’t been so close.
“Always.”
I hum “Silent Night” and his breathing calms.
Yes, it’s working. I continue but start to sing the words and he stops shaking. Over and over I sing the song until the water in the shower is cold and the steam is gone.
My clothes are wet and I’m shivering. But more importantly, I need to get him out of here so I can check his wounds. “I should check your arms.”
His body goes solid in an instant. He pulls back and shrugs off my arms. Slowly, he lifts his face and turns it toward me. It’s the first time I’ve seen his face since he took off from my house and one thing’s for sure.
This isn’t Rex.
His eyes are cold, dead like the glimpses I’ve seen before, but this is different. He’s looking at me like I’m a stranger, an unwelcome visitor who’s here to steal everything he cares about.
Isn’t that exactly what I am?
A small voice in my head says I’m worse. I’m the enemy. I broke into Rex’s life, and like a thief, I robbed his peace to covet as my own. My palms sweat and I break out in teeth-chattering chills.
He’s right. I’m no worse than my parents.
“Get out.” His voice is low and menacing.
I scoot backwards until my back hits the glass. “I’m not leaving you like this.”