What? What!
“It’s embarrassing, and it’s not something I’ve ever shared with anyone else, but I think if we plan on hanging out in the future I want you to know if that ever happens it has zero to do with you.”
“You get sick? As in . . .”
He shrugs and drops his gaze. “I get nauseated, puke, gag . . .”
That first night I kissed him on the bed, when he jumped up, he was holding his stomach. The memory of his random muscle cramp at Jonah’s floods my mind. He was gripping his shirt at his stomach then too.
And last night, when we were both catching our breath, he buried his face in my hair, but wouldn’t speak. Was he fighting to hold it down?
Hooking my fingers under his chin, I force him to look me in the eye. “I don’t care. We can take this wherever you want it to go whenever you want to go there. The only thing I want from you is a chance.”
He stares at me for a few long seconds, eyebrows pinched, and then turns his face to kiss my palm. “You’ve got it.”
I’ve got it. A chance. A future. Hope for something more than the dismal life I’ve led up to this point.
The past can be forgotten. Like Rex, I can evolve into a new me who doesn’t know about the horrific history of the man she loves.
I close my eyes and nuzzle my nose into his neck. With renewed strength, and my eyes focused forward instead of back, I say good bye to Gia, the little girl who’s seen more evil than most people see in a lifetime.
Sucking in a deep breath, I allow the scent of Rex’s skin to wash away the old me and bury her for good with peace in her heart. Her job is done.
I open my eyes to a new life, the one I’m choosing.
My life with Rex.
My life as Mac.
Sixteen
Battles rage in the war for my soul
What if I stop fighting?
If I finally let go?
--Ataxia
Rex
Nothing in my life, at least the parts I can remember, has ever felt as good as holding Mac. She took every piece of shit I slung at her and didn’t seem affected at all. I started to wonder if she’d even heard me, but when she broke down, I knew she did.
She cried.
For me.
Not because she was disgusted by a man who’d vomit after sex. Not because she couldn’t figure out a way to kick me out fast enough. She curled up in my lap, sobbing as if it was the best and only place she’d ever want to be.
I’ve never been needed like that. Never been someone’s comfort.
I like it. Shit, I like being that for her.
Blake’s flip out at the gym today, Jonah’s willingness to walk away from everything he’s worked for . . .
Fuck me, but I totally get it now.
The urgent need to protect her, keep her safe from any and every thing is there, but there’s something else too: an egotistical drive to possess and claim her, willing to fuck-up anyone who tries to take her away.
Her balled-up body shivers against mine.
“You cold?”
“No.” She sniffs, and traces the pattern of tattoos on my forearm. “I don’t think I’ve cried that hard since I was ten-years-old.”
“What was that like?”
“About the same.”
“No, I meant what was being ten like?”
She tilts her head back and glares. “That’s not funny.”
She’s right. It’s a shitty joke, but I’m trying to lighten the mood.
I kiss her head, smiling. “Yeah it was.”
“Wasn’t.” She shakes her head and curls deeper into me. “Am I hurting you?”
“No, but should we move to the couch or something?”
“Eww.” She cringes. “Not the couch.”
“Why? What’s wrong with the couch?”
Finally her body shakes with laughter; the sound relieves the tension in my muscles. “You don’t want to know.”
“So it’s straight to your room.” A ghost of nausea rolls through my gut, the familiar feeling of wanting something that makes me sick.
A long sigh falls from her lips and her body relaxes. “Yeah.”
I should be home trying to get some shut-eye, but I know I’ll only lie there and think about her. Holding her in my arms will probably buy me more sleep than I’ve had in weeks.
“Have you eaten?” I say against the top of her head.
“Soup.”
“You ready for bed?”
She tilts her head back to look at me, her eyebrows pinched together. “Are you spending the night? I mean, can you?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never tried it before, but like all my other firsts, I’d like to try it with you.” I’m trying like hell to be honest, but fuck I feel like a *. She deserves the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it is to give it to her.
“I’d like that too.” She moves off my lap, and it’s nearly impossible to let her go. I grab her hand, and she leads me into her house and through the living room.