I’m unable to finish my thought, not wanting to hear the words out loud. The fact is I’m pretty sure my mom hates my guts. She must blame me for her horrible life. If she never had me, she would have been able to run away from Dominick and have a chance at a real life or love. How could she not hate me? Thinking about it makes me hate myself.
“She’s going to love you, baby. She’ll be charmed by you just like everyone else.”
I wish I had his confidence.
“Besides, you don’t know how your mom feels about you. I know her actions show that she doesn’t care, but maybe she doesn’t know how to show you how she feels. Maybe she thinks you hate her. Hell, you have every right to.”
I usually brush off the subject of my mom when it comes up, but something deep inside tugs at me. His love has given me a safe place to fall. I can give him a piece of me. With his chest pressed to my back, I won’t have to witness the pity in his eyes. I can do this.
“When I was a little girl, I used to sneak into her bed at night.”
His arms tense and his chest flexes against my back.
“I would curl up next to her, desperate to feel the heat from her skin. I remember I would slowly inch my hand closer and closer, so afraid to wake her, until I could touch just the tip of my finger to her back or her arm. Sometimes I would just loop a strand of her long hair around my finger.”
My voice drops to a whisper as I’m taken back to those nights. I feel small and insignificant. Crushed with sadness, my lungs struggle for a full breath.
“I usually only got a minute or two before she’d wake up. It was as if she could sense me, even in her sleep, like my very presence triggered an internal alarm system that told her to get away. She would make me go back to my bed. Some nights I’d be so angry and desperate I’d refuse to leave.” My humorless laughter breaks with emotion. “She would get sick of telling me to get out, and she’d go sleep on the couch. She’d rather sleep on the couch than with her own daughter.”
“Baby . . .” he whispers and kisses my head.
“The saddest part is that those nights were the best. I got to sleep the rest of the night surrounded by her smell. I would wrap myself up tight in her sheets and pretend they were her arms. I’d bury my face in her pillow, smelling her shampoo and night cream.”
Hot tears drip from my jaw, and Jonah’s arms tighten on my waist.
“Anyway, that’s the reason I listen to old music. All those old tapes were my mom’s. I took them when I left. I knew she’d be mad, but I also knew she wouldn’t come for them.” I wipe my cheeks and sniff. “Listening to this music, the music she had playing every day of my entire life, it’s the only way I can be close to her.”
The pressure at my waist is released and he turns me to him. I keep my eyes focused on his chest, not ready to confront the look on his face. His fingers beneath my chin pull my gaze to his. Bending down, his lips softly brush against mine and stay there as he speaks.
“Baby, I promise you that you’ll never want for physical contact again.” His big, strong hands hold my head and he leans his forehead against mine. “I’ll always hold you when you’re scared.” He softly kisses my jaw. “Comfort you when you’re sad.” His lips brush against my cheeks. “Take care of you when you’re sick.” Tilting my head back, he kisses my forehead. He bends down and his hazel eyes narrow into mine. “I’ll make it my life’s mission to make up for every second you were neglected.”
I’m captivated by his stare, which, like his hold on my heart, doesn’t let go. I suck in a ragged breath, overcome with emotion.
“I know I say this all the time, but I love you, Jonah. So much.”
“I love you too, baby. Thank you for telling me about your mom. There’s nothing you need to keep from me. I want to know you, even the stuff you’re not proud of.”
“Okay.”
“My gorgeous girl and her ‘okays.’”
I bury my face in his chest, feeling lighter, having released a heavy burden from my past and placed it on the strong, capable shoulders of the amazing man before me.
“Now, as far as the formal dinner tonight goes? You have nothing to worry about. I won’t leave your side, not even for a second.” His dimples slowly appear as a smile creeps across his face. “I’ll even take you to the bathroom with me.” He kisses my neck. “That might actually make this stupid dinner worth going to.”
I exhale as his playful words bring me peace. And the visual of Jonah and I having bathroom sex also helps to chase away the last of my nerves.
“I can’t wait to see you in the dress you picked up.”
I roll my eyes, remembering the day he shoved two thousand dollars cash into my backpack to shop. I planned on not using it, until I realized how expensive good formalwear is. I used all of it.
“Besides, if anyone should be worried, it’s me,” he says.
My brows pinch together and I study his smoldering eyes. “Why would you worry?”