Bringing my cup to my mouth, my arm stalls out in midair and I glare at my friend. “How did you know that?”
He swallows a gulp of his shake. “I didn’t.” A grin spreads across his face. “But I do now.”
Fuck.
“Figured you’re keeping her around for a reason. What’s the hold up?”
“None of your fucking business.”
Owen’s deep laughter bangs against my every nerve. I could lie. Tell him that she’s a virgin and I’m holding off until she’s ready. The first part’s true. The last part’s the lie. She’s ready. Her words haven’t said it, but her body has screamed it.
“I’m just surprised, man. You have her in your bed every night. How can you, of all people, not fuck her?”
“Owen.” The caution in my tone forces him to roll his eyes before he studies me silently.
“That’s it, isn’t it?” His words are almost a whisper. “I had a feeling, but I wasn’t sure.”
I toss my empty cup into the sink a little harder than I need to. This entire conversation is pissing me the fuck off. “Sure about what?”
“You love this girl.”
Irritation is sucked from my body along with my breath. Love her. Do I?
“As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never even taken a girl out unless it was something UFL related. You use woman to get off, move on, and never look back. And now here you are, looking like you’re about to take me out for asking why you haven’t fu—had sex with her yet.”
I’m hearing his words, but still processing his earlier statement. I remain close-lipped.
He starts laughing, then harder, and points at my face. “Yeah, man. That’s the face. You love her.”
“But it’s only been a week. People don’t fall in love in a week.”
“The hell they don’t? I knew I was in love with Nik on our first date. No question.”
We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Mornings are spent working on the Impala until she goes to Guy’s garage and I go train. Nights, she’s back at my house where we cook together, eat together, watch television together and—Holy crap. We’re my parents.
Maybe I do love her.
I wipe the sweat from my forehead, feeling suddenly faint. Must be from the intense training session. Yeah, that’s all it is.
“So now that we’ve established that, what’s the real reason you’re holding out?” He leans against the counter.
He’d never understand why I haven’t slept with Raven. Hell, I’m still trying to figure it out. It’s not that I don’t want to. I want to, badly. So badly, I’ve had to sit in a cold shower for forty-five minutes after making out with her. Every time we get close, I hold back. The rejection I see in her eyes when I shut her down makes me want to kick my own ass.
“What if I . . . I don’t know, screw things up?”
Owen’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Dude, if practice makes perfect, you should have your PhD in sex. Pretty sure you won’t screw it up.”
“That’s not what I meant, fuckwad.”
He pins me with his stare. “You’re afraid you’re going to lose interest after you do it.”
I blink my eyes, absorbing his words, and conclude that my friend is a genius.
“Yes, exactly, I’m afraid my fucked-up head will ruin things with Raven.”
“This is different though, Jonah. I’m telling you the way you feel about Raven you might as well be a virgin too. This is going to be a first for both of you. Be prepared to have your mind blown, my brother. There is nothing like making sweet love to the girl you feel it for.”
I remain silent, mulling over Owen’s revelation. He’s right. I have a problem with getting attached to people on an intimate level. I always assumed that my hit-’em-and-quit-’em mentality was intentional. That I never sleep with the same girl twice because I don’t have to.
But I’m seeing things more clearly. A deep dark part of me whispers that it’s because I lost my dad. That getting close to someone is a risk because of the potential pain in losing them. And having sex with Raven, combined with the fact that I’ll be her first, will be devastating. She’ll probably see it as solidifying our relationship, and I’ll subconsciously put her in the I-came-I-conquered file.
Unless Owen’s right. Could it be different this time? It sure as shit feels different. Fighting has always dominated my brain space, until her. I have to believe my old ways won’t fuck this up for me. I have to.
*
Raven