Faster We Burn

chapter Thirteen

Stryker

Between the rum and the fact that she was talking about wearing my clothes, I was seconds away from throwing her over my shoulder, taking her to bed and ravaging her, but I held off.

We’d always just given in to our desire for each other, one way or another. Maybe there was something to be said for anticipation.

So, I moved out from under her, giving her one last little kiss on her chin.

“Where are you going?” she said, confused.

“To clean up and to find somewhere to put all the leftovers in my fridge.” I grabbed both our plates and dumped them in the sink. It was going to take at least an hour just to clean up everything, but at least she’d started by putting some of the utensils in the sink.

“You’re not avoiding having sex with me, are you?” she said.

“No,” I lied. She got up and brought some of the dishes over.

“Then why do I get the feeling you’re avoiding having sex with me?”

“I’m not avoiding it, I’m just…not giving in to the urge.” Same difference.

“Why not?”

I turned around and faced her. “Because we always do. You say, ‘let’s have sex’ and I’m all for it. I’ve never said no to sex. Well, except for Ric, but that doesn’t really count. I’ve never said no, and I just think we need to…back off a bit.”

“Why the change all of a sudden?” Her eyes narrowed.

“I just think we should take a step back. Jesus, the second time I met you we had sex. That’s not exactly how things usually go.”

“So, are you saying that you want to rewind and start over? That you want to be my boyfriend? Because that’s not what I want.”

I shook my head quickly. That was definitely not what I wanted. “No, that’s not what I want, either. I just think we should maybe put the brakes on. Just for a little while.”

“Okay,” she said, coming to stand next to me at the sink and grabbing a sponge. “We’ll slow down.”



***



In the spirit of slowing down, I slept on the couch and let Katie have my bed. Yes, we had slept in the same bed multiple times before, but that was always after sex. I couldn’t handle being in the same bed with her all night, I knew that much, and when she came out of my bathroom wearing a ratty OAR t-shirt that was too big for her and a pair of my boxers, I nearly said “screw slowing down”, but I took my desire to peel the t-shirt from her skin and shoved it deep down and started doing quadratic equations in my head.

“Are you sure you’re okay taking the couch?” she said, pulling on the hem of the shirt so it skimmed her thighs. It took me a second to realize what she was saying because I was too busy picturing those thighs spread wide and her head thrown back in ecstasy.

“It’s fine, Katie. I’ve passed out there more than once.” It seemed dumb to say goodnight because it was actually morning by the time we got the kitchen in order and all the leftovers stored somewhere. Fortunately, neither of us had to be anywhere. She was completely and totally running away from her problems, but that seemed to be her thing, and I wasn’t going to tell her what to do. Not this time. I’d told her not to go see Zack and she’d done it anyway, and look where that had gotten her.

Even though she closed the door, I could still hear every move she made. Every time she turned over, which was quite frequently, I wanted to get up and go climb in bed with her. All I could think about was how perfectly her back fit against my front, how perfectly my arms fit around her and how perfect her head felt when it was tucked into my shoulder.

I’d closed all the curtains, but daylight still invaded the apartment, and since I couldn’t sleep, I spent the time I wanted to be sleeping telling myself all the reasons Katie and I would never work. Yes, I’d said I didn’t want to be her boyfriend, but that didn’t mean that I wanted to say goodbye to her. She’d sort of dropped into my life and now I couldn’t see going back to a time without her.

“Stryker?” her soft voice called to me from a crack in my bedroom door.

I didn’t roll over because I knew I would somehow find her eyes, and if I did, I was a goner. “Yeah?”

“I can’t sleep.” That made two of us.

“Normally people go to bed when it’s dark, but we were too busy with our second Thanksgiving.” Shit, that was mean. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just really tired, Katie.”

“Me too.”

“Then go to sleep.” Her soft footsteps were like drumbeats as she crossed the floor and stood behind the couch. I turned my head and there she was in all her gorgeous wearing-my-clothes-and-sexy-bedhead glory. She leaned her forearms over the edge of the couch and it was all I could do not to grab them and yank her on top of me.

“I can’t. Every time I do, I just remember all the things I’ve f*cked up lately.”

I wanted her to go away. I wanted her to go back in her room so I couldn’t smell her skin or watch her breathe or see her wide brown eyes.

“Well count some f*cking sheep then, Katie.”

She was only shocked for a second.

“You’re pushing me away and I want to know why, Stryker.”

“Maybe because I just want to get some sleep, Katherine.” I’d never used her full first name, but I knew it would get her attention. A little smirk tugged at her lips and she leaned further over the couch so I could feel her every breath on my bare chest. I only had my boxers on, but at least my lower half was covered with a bit of a blanket that Trish had made me. I was going to have to shift positions very soon so she wouldn’t see my hard on.

“There you go again, Stryker Abraham Grant.” I had no idea who the hell had told her my middle name, but I was going to strangle them the first chance I got. I re-arranged the blanket so it covered more of my chest and glared at her.

“Why are you pushing me away now? Is it because you’re scared that you feel something for me? Because…you’re not the only one.” She looked down when she said the last part, which was why I knew it was true, and not just a way to get me admit something.

“It’s crazy, I know. You and me, we don’t make sense. At all,” she whispered.

“No, we don’t.” I could agree with her on that.

“But I’ve been thinking about something you said to me. About the fact that I was trying to be something I wasn’t. It’s not completely true, but it’s not completely untrue, either. I’ve lived my whole life under the shadow of my sister, and I guess I never really stopped to think about who I was. I was always trying to not be her, but wanting desperately to be her at the same time. That makes absolutely no sense at all.” She shook her head, and it fell over her shoulders and in her face. I pushed some of it back.

“No, it makes complete sense.”

She leaned her head against my hand. “I knew you’d understand.”

“So now you have to figure out who you are, Katherine Ann Hallman. When you do, let me know.” I took my hand away and rolled over, putting my back to her.

I heard her sharp exhale, as if I’d thrown cold water on her. She waited for a moment, as if I was going to roll back over with a smile and tell her I was kidding. I stayed as still as I could, holding my breath. After a moment, I heard her take her hands away and stand up straight.

“Happy Thanksgiving, a*shole.”

She marched back to my room and slammed the door.

Finally.



***



Somehow I got to sleep and when I opened my eyes, it must have been almost noon. I stretched a kink out of my back and rubbed my eyes. I listened for any sounds from my bedroom, but all was quiet. I sat up and noticed something on my chest.

Writing.

There was a discarded marker on my coffee table. Someone had written something on my chest while I was sleeping, and they’d written it upside down so I could read it when I woke up. I only needed one guess to figure out who had done it, but the question was how she’d done it without waking me up. That took talent.

I know you’re being a jerk because you’re pushing me away. You should have just been a jerk from the beginning and I might have believed you last night. That’s fine. I don’t want to force myself into someone’s life. I’m off to go find myself, or some such crap like that. Call me if you want to have sex. I’m always open for that with you.

-Katherine.

She’d signed it with a flourish, right at the top of my chest. How the hell that had not woken me up, or at least woken my dick up was a mystery I didn’t think I would ever solve.

I got up and went to my bedroom, but my bed was made and her things were gone. She’d even carefully folded the clothes she’d worn last night. Before I could stop myself, I reached for the shirt and inhaled her scent. Katie always smelled sweet, like frosting, or cotton candy or a lollipop. I dropped the clothes in my hamper on my way to the shower. I’d have to wash those ASAP.



Katie



Since Stryker didn’t want me at his place, I had no choice but to go back home. I briefly considered asking Lottie if I could crash with her, but that would have been asking too much. Lottie had bailed me out of too many situations already.

I made it to my house at ten the next morning. After Stryker had pushed me away, I’d spent the rest of the night-slash-morning figuring out what I was going to do. So far, I didn’t have any answers, but the first step was going home and trying to make things right with my mom. Stryker had told me it was time to get my shit together, and he was right. It pissed me off that it took him saying that to me to get me to believe it for the first time in my life.

I thought back to that night in the hospital, when I’d begged them not to press charges against Zack. If he had walked into that room and told me it was all a mistake, I would have taken him back. Realizing that made me feel sick, but I couldn’t hide from it anymore.

I opened the front door slowly, wondering what I would find.

“Where have you been?” Mom was in the midst of putting away the Thanksgiving stuff. Once a holiday was over, she was onto the next. I’d always hated having Christmas decorations up in November. She put her hands on her hips, bracing for another fight. Well, I wasn’t going to give her one.

“I stayed with a friend for the night.” She didn’t need to know it was Stryker.

“You might be over eighteen, Katie, but you still live under this roof and you can’t go running off whenever you feel like it. We were worried sick.”

I swallowed. Yes, I’d prepared for this reaction, but it still made me feel like a shitty daughter.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry about everything.”

She almost seemed shocked at my willingness to apologize. I usually put up more of a fight.

“Katiebug!” Kayla came up from downstairs, her hand in Adam’s. She rushed to hug me. “I knew you’d come back,” she whispered in my ear. I wasn’t going to tell her that it was because I had no place to go, and not just because I wanted to make things right.

I hugged her back and said hi to Adam.

“Where’s Dad?”

“He wasn’t feeling that great, so I sent him to lie down,” Mom said, folding the blanket covered in a leaf pattern over her arm and then putting it in the Thanksgiving decoration tub.

“Hey, you want to go to the movies or something? I was thinking about showing Adam our awesome town. He’s a city boy,” Kayla said.

“Guilty,” he said, raising his hand. “I don’t trust any place that doesn’t have public transportation.”

“You are so weird,” Kayla said.

“Hey, you want to marry me. I’d say that makes you the weird one.”

She beamed at him. “True.”

“That sounds great,” I said to interrupt their couple’s banter. Mom just watched with a smile on her face. “I’m going to put my stuff in my room.”

I threw my purse back on my bed and saw that my trash can was empty of all the pictures that had filled it the day before. My bare walls were still a shock. I was going to have to do something about that. After changing my clothes, I tiptoed down the stairs to my parents’ bedroom. Dad was watching golf and still had his PJs on.

“Hey, Dad.” He smiled and turned the television off.

“You make up with your mother?” Geez, don’t beat around the bush much.

“Sort of.” He moved over and I sat next to him on the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It must be something if you got out of helping Mom dismantle the Thanksgiving decorations.”

“Shhhh,” he said, winking. “I may be laying it on a bit thick. Nothing to worry about, Katiebug. I probably got something from one of the kids.”

“Probably.”

“What’s this?” He pointed to the fading drawing Stryker had made on my hand. I’d thought about scrubbing it off when I was in his bathroom this morning, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“Just a doodle. Got bored.”

“But this is your right hand.” He pulled my hand closer so he could get a better look.

“It’s nothing.” I took my arm back and tried to pull my sleeve down to cover it as I searched for a way to deflect his attention. “So what do you think of Adam?”

“He seems like a very nice guy, but I’m not sure how I feel about your sister getting engaged to him so quick. Even if he did ask my permission after the fact.”

“He did?”

Dad nodded.

“This morning. Said he wished he could have done it sooner, but he didn’t think he could do it before I’d really had a chance to meet him.”

“Wow.”

He moved over some more and held his arm out so I could cuddle against him like I did when I was younger. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that. His hand went to my hair, pulling it through his fingers.

“You’ve grown up so fast, Katiebug. All I did was blink and here you are, a young woman. How did that happen?”

“Well, those growth hormones you fed me probably had something to do with it.”

“Yeah, probably.” He kissed my forehead and I snuggled closer. He smelled like Old Spice and a little bit of sweat and furniture polish.

“Dad?”

“Mmhm?”

“Do you think I’m a good person? And don’t give me a dad answer.”

He moved so he could look at my face.

“Why would you even ask a question like that?”

“Because of all the stupid things I’ve done. I loved this awful guy who beat me up and I didn’t even want to press charges against him. I’ve made so many mistakes with guys and fighting with mom and school and everything.”

“I want you to listen to me,” he said, sitting up. “You did not ask for what happened to you. You are not responsible for Zack and his sick mind. To even blame yourself for one single second is wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, Katiebug, but we learn from them. We move on. That’s the key. It’s not that you made the mistake in the first place, but what you do with the result. You are a smart, strong, beautiful young woman and I am proud that you are my daughter. If you believe anything, believe that.”

It was a total dad answer, but that was what I expected. My dad seemed to see the best in me and my mom saw that I wasn’t what she wanted me to be.

“Thanks, Dad,” I said, hugging him tight. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Katiebug.”

He waited until I left before turning the television back on.



***



Kayla was supposed to go back with Adam, but she ended up staying for the rest of my break. She said it was because she wanted to show Adam everything, and have home-cooked food, but I knew she was trying to be a buffer between Mom and me. For the next couple of days I tried my best not to get under Mom’s skin. I helped out around the house more than I would have, and volunteered to get groceries.

I was constantly checking my phone for any message from Stryker. I was curious about the effect of my little note on him. I’d been about to leave him one on paper, but he was sacked out on the couch and his chest was exposed, so I figured it was only fitting that I draw it on him as payback for the times he’d drawn stuff on me. He almost woke up a bunch of times, but I was able to complete it. Somehow.

I had a long chat with Lottie one night when Kayla and Adam had gone out, and I didn’t feel like being the third wheel again. Dad was still under the weather, so Mom was busy nursing him and I was holed up in my room.

“Still haven’t heard from him?” she said.

“Nope.” I’d filled her in on the note, and she thought it was hilarious.

“Well, he’s alive, according to Trish. She’s talked with him a few times.”

“Has he…has he said anything?”

I could hear Trish’s voice in the background answering.

“Nada. He’s being like a clam with a pearl. The penis effect and all that.”

I sighed. “Got it.” I hadn’t expected anything less. When Stryker didn’t want to talk about something, there was little you could do to get him to open up. That was fine with me.

“So, you ready to get back to normal?”

“If by normal you mean losing Law and Order bets and eating our weight in ice cream, then yes, I am ready for that.” So freaking ready.

I could almost hear her rolling her eyes. “At least your mother hasn’t grilled you about your boyfriend’s favorite books and then made conclusions about him based on those books.”

At least her mother hadn’t made her boyfriend so uncomfortable that he stormed out. Not that Stryker was my boyfriend.

“True. Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Bye, roomie.” Will and Trish must have been playing a game because I could hear both of them yelling in the background.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Lottie shouted at them. “Sorry, I have to go help judge which is more sympathetic, pirates or volcanoes. I swear, these two are going to kill each other over a game of Apples to Apples. Bye, roomie.”

She hung up and I was left in silence in my empty room. I twirled my phone in my hand, restless.

My bare walls were really pissing me off for some odd reason. I looked around and found a cup full of markers. I grabbed a pink one and stared at the wall right across from my bed. Mom was going to have a coronary if I drew on my walls.

I made one little dot. Ha.

Then I made another, and another. I connected them with a swirly line and kept going, making more lines and more swirls. It was very similar to the design Stryker had drawn on my hand. I added some circles in between, moving the drawing from one side of the wall to the other, and then down to the floor. Once the design was done, I felt like it needed something. I turned on my iPod and looked for some of the music Stryker had given me, searching for one song in particular. “Endlessly”, by Green River Ordinance. It was softer than most of the stuff Stryker listened to, which was why I thought it was so odd when he gave it to me.

Slowly, I wrote random words on the wall. “Love” and “Happiness” and “Beauty” and “Fun” and “Surprises” and “Music” and “Laughter” and “Magic”. I just wrote what came to mind, and it wasn’t until I’d written “Love” over and over that I realized these were all the things I wanted out of life. My wall had become some twisted version of a vision board. I’d thought those things were totally stupid, but somehow seeing the words written out like that made sense.

“Oh my God. Mom is going to murder you.” I paused in the act of finishing a letter and looked over my shoulder to find Kayla gaping at me and my newly-decorated wall.

“Yeah, well, wouldn’t be the first time.” I wrote “Love” again and glanced back at Kayla. “Where’s Adam?”

“Just making some coffee. You want some?”

“Sure.”

“We were going to watch a movie if you want to join us.” She hovered in the doorway.

“Sure.” I capped the marker. One wall was enough for tonight. I took out my phone and snapped a picture of it, just in case.