“Fine.” I surrendered, hanging my head. “Go ahead.” I rested back on my heels, and she started again.
“I have convinced myself over the years that you loved me. I have comforted myself every time I felt lonely and, like a loser, felt that it was meant to be with you. The one guy who shouldn’t have noticed me was the only one who did. I have planned our future together. I have everything worked out, from how I was going to come back into your life in college. We were going to be together. You were going to realize you loved me, and I was going to be your superstar girlfriend. I even told my friends here that I could see us dating. They laugh at me now.” Her voice trembled, but I wasn’t sure if it was from emotion, if she was crying, or if it was from being cold. “I never expected you to protect me in high school. Why would you? I didn’t protect myself. I never fought back. I took it. A part of me thought I deserved it. I was a nobody, remember? Then the cabin, when you invited me there and had Nate take care of me, I convinced myself it was because you loved me. You loved me, but you couldn’t be with me. It wasn’t meant to be. That’s how sick I was.” She laughed at herself. “I even talked to Tate about it. I talked to her for hours about you and me.”
“Marissa,” I tried again. There was no her and me.
“No—”
I interrupted her, “—I had Nate take care of you because I was having sex with Sam.”
She choked on her protest and fell back a step. Her hand flew out, grabbing hold of the Escalade, righting herself. Her mouth clamped shut. Even under the rain and in the darkness, I could see that she had paled. “No, you were protecting me from her. You didn’t even want me to meet her—”
I clipped my head to the side, cutting her off again, “I didn’t want you to meet her because I didn’t want her to find out that I let people bully you. I never stopped them, and I should’ve. I was ashamed. I didn’t want Sam to look down on me. I had Nate do my dirty work. He was on babysitting duty. The truth is that I never should’ve invited you, but I was trying to be nice. I was trying not to be an asshole all of the time.”
“But—” She shook her head.
I could see the argument coming. She was going to spin it someway. I couldn’t let her. “Stop, Marissa. I don’t like you.”
Her hand fell from the Escalade.
“You didn’t want anything from me in high school. You were a vacation for me, but that was it. I was using you to escape from all the fucking piranhas everywhere else in my life. I’m sorry. I am. I’m sorry you got hurt and picked on, but I don’t like you. I don’t love you. I don’t even want your friendship.”
Her mouth fell open and lowered with each statement I delivered. By the end, she couldn’t look me in the eyes anymore. She was hugging herself, as if warding off my words. She turned to the side, but stopped. She whispered, “I love you.”
“You don’t even know me.”
When she looked up, the misery in her was so evident, and a twinge of regret flared in me. I pushed it down. She was affecting Sam. I needed her to go away and stay away. I made sure the coldest, fuck-you mask was on my face as I said, “Stop daydreaming about me. You were right the first time. I never should’ve given you attention. I didn’t know what a head case you were going to be.”
“Stop.”
“And stop using Nate to get to me. That’s the lowest you could go, screwing someone else and hoping they’ll bring you around me.”
Her shoulders seemed to shrink beneath my gaze. Her head lowered all the way down. I couldn’t see the tip of her nose. If she could’ve curled up in a ball and disappeared, I had no doubt that’s what she would do. For a moment, I regretted everything. I did. I remembered the hurt in Sam’s eyes, how Logan warned me about her.
I was going to hell.
Marissa was already broken. I’d been her slight ray of hope, helping her get through the storm, and I just snuffed that out of her. I had broken her even more. Knowing I should probably stop soon, I added, “Just stop coming around. Leave me alone. Leave my relationship alone. Leave my friends alone. This is for you too. Stay. Away. Fall in love with some nice guy, someone who will care for you, but keep away from me. I mean it. I need you to go and never come back. I don’t even want to see you in class.”
I waited. I didn’t know what she was going to do. I heard someone else call my name from behind me. “Mason!”
Park was standing in the other row of cars behind my Escalade. He stood between two trucks and waved at me. “Can I talk to you?” He was dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt and black pants. If he hadn’t waved, I wouldn’t have known he was there.
What the fuck was up with rainstorms and heart to hearts? I scowled at him. “Can it wait?”
“It’s about Nate.”
Crap. “Yeah.” I glanced back to Marissa. She had turned the other way around. Her arms were still hugging herself, but she was bent forward, pressing against my Escalade.
Fuck. I had no idea what to do.