“I can’t not talk to you. It’s killing me.”
“It’s killing you? What about me?” I can barely get the words out over the sob that starts to threaten. “Ryan, I can’t do this. I can’t even look at you. Please, just go.”
“I can’t stand to see you like this.”
“Then go! I will do almost anything to make you leave.”
“Just let me talk to you. Please, babe, just let me talk.”
“Fine, say whatever you need to say, then leave me alone.”
He motions for me to sit on the couch and when I do, he sits next to me. I can’t control the tears that free fall down my cheeks. Seeing his face and being next to him is too much for me. If I had never loved him so much, then he never would have had the power to destroy me like he did. More than anything, I want to cling to him, but I don’t. I know I can’t ever allow anyone to get that close to me again. I can’t give another person the power to hurt me like he did.
“I’m worried about you,” he says as he looks me in the eyes.
I turn my head so I don’t have to look at him. “Don’t.”
“When was the last time you’ve eaten?”
“Ryan, don’t. Just say what you need to say.”
He reaches for my hand, but I pull it away as he says, “I love you. I know you don’t believe me, but I do. No one has ever affected me the way you do, babe. I swear to you . . . I swear I didn’t know. I didn’t, Candace. Not at first.” When I hear his voice crack, I look up at him and see the tears that fill his eyes, and I have to look back down.
“When I saw you at the coffee shop I thought it was you. I thought you were that girl. But then I kept thinking, ‘What are the chances?’ I didn’t know because you looked so different than from that night. And then I found out that you were friends with Mark. Every time I saw you, I felt myself being drawn to you in a way I’ve never felt before. I had myself convinced that my head was playing games with me, and I honestly did not think you were that girl. It wasn’t until I saw your tattoo when we were in bed. That’s when I knew. When I found that girl, I saw her tattoo—your tattoo.”
“Ryan, please,” I whimper, but he doesn’t stop.
“When I saw it, I broke. I didn’t want you to be her. I had already fallen so hard in love with you and realizing that it was you fuckin’ killed me. Everything started making sense to me. How scared you always were with me when we first met, how afraid you were when I tried to touch you. Everything made sense. But, I didn’t know how to tell you. And then you told me you loved me, and I know how hard that was for you. I just couldn’t hurt you,” he says, now crying.
“But you did. You lied to me. I let you see all the parts of me that weren’t pretty, but you knew all along. And when I finally opened up to you, you already knew.” Lowering my head into my hands, I cry. I cry hard. “You let me give everything to you. You had to have known that you couldn’t hold on to that secret forever. I would’ve eventually found out, and you still let me fall for you like I did. I feel so stupid and used, like you just felt sorry for me or pitied me.”
“I never pitied you, babe. I have only ever loved you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
He reaches out to hold me, but I push him back and stand up from the couch.
“I can’t do this. You can’t say those things to me.”
Standing up and taking a step toward me, he says, “I know I fucked up. I fucked everything up so bad. I know all you wanted was someone you could trust. I wanted to be that for you, and I fucked it all up. But, I didn’t know what to say; I was scared. You’ll never know how fucking sorry I am.”
“I knew better. I knew I shouldn’t have let you in like I did. But, I can’t see you anymore. You have to stop calling and texting. I need you to just not exist for me because I can’t do this. It hurts more than I thought anything possibly could.”
“Candace, please.”
“Just go.”
He doesn’t move. He just stands there. A part of me never wants him to move, but I know he needs to. I can hardly bear to see the pain in his eyes and the tears running down his cheeks.
“Please, you have to go. I can’t do this,” I plead with him.
Looking at me through his tears, he chokes out, “You have to know how much I love you.”
“Please, Ryan,” I say with closed eyes. I just need him to go because I can’t take the excruciating pain any more. My eyes stay closed until I hear the click of the door as it closes behind him. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop myself from watching him get into his jeep. I feel like I need to scream for him to come back, but I don’t. I just let him drive away.
My heart hurts so bad, I swear it feels like I’m dying. I can’t take this anymore. I know I can’t live like this. I can’t do this on my own. I’ve tried so hard. But I just can’t do it anymore.