“You’re gonna have to tell me what this is before I can agree,” he laughs. He hurries around to the driver’s side and hops in, handing me his phone. He’s going to let me pick the music, a small but very thoughtful gesture. I choose his Damien Rice playlist, skipping straight to “9 Crimes.” Maybe he’ll take the hint that I think of this song when I picture him at the piano. He looks over and winks at me as it starts, yep; he knows how to play it.
“Every time we come to a stop, we just choose right or left. But, in a startling new twist, we’re gonna take turns saying something completely meaningless with each turn, until we end up somewhere good! Honestly, I could care less where we end up right now, I just wanna be.”
“I’m game.” He gives me a smile. “But I kind of wish you’d talk to me about what happened.”
I give him the very condensed version, interrupting every few minutes with a “right” or “left,” and so far our random facts at each tell me that he’s for morning breath kissing as long as both people have it and he can also play the violin. I share that I’m the ultimate Beatles fan, but only pre-mustache Beatles, and brush my teeth about 15 times a day (totally in reaction to his morning breath comment). He doesn’t ask about my time with Evan or any specifics, he just hits on the part about Kaitlyn.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I’m not going to do anything; what can I do? The chance is gone, at least for this year. The friendship’s gone, so why even ask her for an explanation? There isn’t one that will ever fix it. And... nothing, that’s it.”
“Nice try, Disney, finish what you were gonna say.”
“The dorm rooms here are really nice, like way better than other colleges’. How cool is it to have our own bathrooms? You can’t get that just anywhere.”
“That’s not what you were gonna say, either.” He shoots me a one raised eyebrow look.
“Pull over then, I want you to look at me when I tell you.”
He pulls over so fast I slap him in the arm because my life just flashed before my eyes.
“Do I have your undivided attention?” I ask him with a smirk.
“Since the moment I saw you.” He turns in his seat to face me and waits for me to talk, his face full of question and anticipation.
“I’m content with where I am. I don’t have to have it fixed. I actually really like it here. It gets better every day. Besides, I think Sawyer would really miss me and finally go completely insane.”
He chuckles at my attempt to alleviate the seriousness.
“I really like Bennett, and the girls on my team are so talented. We have a real shot at a banner year. Who cares if the games will never have a camera there, we’ll still be kicking ass and taking names.” I chance a peek up at him, hoping his eyes tell me what he’s thinking. They’re such a deep brown, almost black, and right now I can see my own reflection. His eyes mirror me in this moment. It gives me the strength to keep talking.
“And part of me hates it, hates feeling like this, and all of me is scared shitless, but I suspect my resolve has something to do with the fact that you’re here, Dane. Never in my life have I instantly connected with someone, not even Evan. I made him work like a dog for my acceptance.” I chuckle softly at the memory. “But I find myself wondering what you’re doing all the time, and thinking about what we could do or talk about if we were together. Tell me the truth; you got anything like that going on at all?” I laugh nervously, praying that leaves some question, cause I can’t risk him knowing I’m completely serious right before he makes me feel like a fool.
He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, reaching over to brush the back of his hand down my face. “I saw you last night, at the door with him. I saw you.” His hand still gentle on my face, he forces me to meet his gaze. “Are you two back together?”
“No,” my voice cracks.
“I won’t share you, Laney. Not your lips, not your thoughts, not your body, and especially not your heart. You don’t have to give it all to me just yet, but give me nothing if any of it belongs to him. Do you understand?” “Dane, it was a long night, we were both hurting.” I blink back the building tears. “He’ll never not be in my life. I just don’t know what that means right now.” I have to be honest, with not only him, but myself. And I can’t blatantly crush Evan; I won’t. “If he was here with me, things wouldn’t be like this. I can’t lie to you. I don’t know exactly what anything means right now; I’m trying to be as honest as I can. And I haven’t told Evan about you, not that I’ve had a chance.” I take a huge, cleansing breath. I feel better having put it all out there.
“Thank you for being so honest. It makes me want you even more, and I do want you, Laney...so fucking bad it scares me. Let’s try this one more time—are you in a committed relationship with Evan?”
“No.”
“Are you in love with him?” His hand moves down my face, his fingertips softly caressing me, and I lean into it and close my eyes. I can’t look at him when I answer. I don’t want him to see the scared little girl in my eyes.