“Are you all right?” I ask.
He looks up at me, his face morphing from pain to confusion to fear.
“Go. Go back,” he says.
My mom grabs my arm and tries to pull me away. I’m vaguely aware that she’s hysterical. She’s stronger than I would’ve thought, but my need to see Olly is stronger.
“Are you all right?” I cry out again, unmoving.
He straightens up slowly, gingerly, like something hurts, but the pain doesn’t show on his face.
“Mads, I’m OK. Go back. Please.” The full weight of our feeling for each other hangs between us.
“I promise I’m OK,” he says again, and I let myself be pulled away.
We’re back in the air lock before I start to recognize what I’ve done. Did I really just go Outside? My mom’s hand is a vise on my upper arm. She forces me to face her.
“I don’t understand,” she says, her voice shrill and confused. “Why would you do that?”
“I’m OK,” I say, answering the question she doesn’t ask. “It was only a minute. Less than a minute.”
She relinquishes my arm and lifts my chin.
“Why would you risk your life for a total stranger?”
I’m not a skillful enough liar to hide my feelings from her. Olly’s in my skin.
She sees the truth. “He’s not a stranger, is he?”
“We’re just friends. Online friends,” I say. I pause. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to make sure he was OK.”
I rub my hands down my forearms. My heart beats so fast it hurts. The enormity of what I’ve done overwhelms me and I’m trembling.
My sudden shaking derails my mom’s questioning and sends her into doctor mode. “Did you touch anything?” she asks, over and over again.
I tell her no, over and over again.
“I had to trash your clothes,” she says after I’ve taken the shower that she insisted I take. She doesn’t look at me as she says it. “And we’re going to have to be extra careful for the next few days to make sure nothing’s—”
She breaks off, unable to say the words.
“It was less than a minute,” I say, for both our benefit.
“Sometimes a minute is all it takes.” Her voice is almost not there at all.
“Mom, I’m sorry—”
She holds up a hand and shakes her head. “How could you?” she asks, finally meeting my eyes.
I’m not sure if she’s asking about my going Outside or lying to her. I don’t have an answer for either question.
*
As soon as she leaves, I go to the window in search of Olly, but I don’t find him. He’s probably on the roof. I get into bed.
Was I really just Outside? What did the air smell like? Was there wind? Did my feet even touch the ground? I touch the skin on my arms, my face. Is it different? Am I?
My entire life I’ve dreamed about being in the world. And now that I have, I don’t remember any of it. Just the sight of Olly doubled over in pain. Just his voice telling me to go back.
THE THIRD MADDY
I’M ALMOST ASLEEP that night when my door opens. My mom hovers in the doorway and I keep my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. Still, she comes in and sits on the bed next to me.
For a long time she doesn’t move. Then she leans over and I’m sure she’s going to kiss my forehead like she used to when I was a little girl, but I roll away from her, still feigning sleep.
I don’t know why I do it. Who is this new Maddy that is cruel for no reason? She gets up, and I wait to hear the door close before opening my eyes.
A single black rubber band sits on my nightstand.
She knows.
LIFE IS A GIFT
THE NEXT MORNING I wake to yelling. At first I think it’s Olly’s family again, but the sound is too close. It’s my mom. I’ve never heard her voice raised before.
“How could you do this? How could you let a stranger in here?”