“Fuck, Bain, how does that happen?”
“That piece of shit detective did it, I know it. Now he’s under investigation because there have been so many red flags since the FBI took over.”
“Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to go through this with you.”
“It’s okay, my mind has been a mess today, but you’re here now. I just don’t know what to think – what to believe anymore. For so long I was convinced that she didn’t do this – that she wouldn’t. I didn’t have a choice, but to believe that she did, so I came to terms with it, in a way. I mean what other choice did I have? Now, it’s like I’ve been kicked in the gut and I’m back at square one.”
“I don’t think you can get ahead of yourself yet. Just live in this moment, right here, right now.
“But Arion, someone could’ve killed her and still be out there. That absolutely fucking infuriates me.”
I really don’t know what to say or how to make any of this better, so I do what I told him I would. I open up and try to relate. “When I lost Nate, I went through a long period of denial, as well. It was like my mind kept saying no way, no way, no way is he really gone. Especially because he was MIA and that gave me hope. But eventually, they recovered parts of his body. It’s not the same as Kinsey’s death, but they have their similarities. Then when the news came that they had found him…” I get choked up going back to that day. I can remember right where I was sitting, at his parents’ house when the knock on the door came. I can picture Barb as she fell to her knees and how Jeff just held her. Bain rubs my back. Jesus, I haven’t talked about these events to anyone. So I proceed because this needs to be done and I told him I’d let him in. “I knew no matter how much it hurt to hear the news, he was gone and gone for real. I had to face it. I know it’s not exactly the same as how Kinsey passed, but in a way…it is. Both of them are gone, plain and simple.” Tears stream out the sides of my eyes as I speak. “I know nothing will ever bring them back to us. We might be stuck here and in pain, but they can never be hurt again. And one thing you can take from all of this, is knowing that she didn’t make the decision to take her own life. The FBI will find who did this, that’s what they are trained to do.”
Both of us lie in silence, neither saying a word. The contentment of listening to each other breathing is so soothing. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this calm – this safe – and this at ease.
My shirt is moist from his tears and his breathing. I hope my words helped to ease a bit of the pain that Bain is experiencing. In the short period of time I’ve known him, I know he’s someone special and someone that’s supposed to be in my life, whatever the reason may be.
Jeff called and said Zeus hasn’t been feeling well. My stomach is in knots from the fear that something is wrong with my baby boy. Parking in front of the familiar house, I hop out and head in, noticing that Zeus isn’t greeting me at the door or the windows.
I see Jeff inside and he waves me in. “Hi there, kiddo,” he says wrapping me in a side hug.
“Hey, where is he? Is he okay?”
“He’s all right. He’s out back.”
We both walk to the back door where Zeus is moping around the backyard, with his tail bent down and ears back. I open the screen and whistle, calling him over to me. His ears perk right up and he runs to me.
“Hey, buddy, how are you?” I ask scratching behind his ears.
He leans into my touch and I bring him inside.
I take my usual seat on the floor. “Go get your ball,” I tell Zeus. He walks off and comes back with it gingerly hanging from his mouth. Then curls up next to me and I ask Jeff. “How long has he been like this?”
“Just a few days.”
“Has he been eating normally?”
“Yeah, everything seems to be normal, just the fact that he’s a little sluggish.”
“Do you think he got into anything?”
Jeff tilts his head thinking about my question. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Do you think I should make a vet appointment?”
“I honestly don’t know if there is much that they could do. He seems normal aside from his attitude.”
I exhale loudly and remember when Nate and I got this little guy. Well, he’s not so little any more, but to me he’ll always be that small, playful pup we picked out when we graduated. “You’ll feel better, bud, just give it some time,” I tell him.
“How have you been?” Jeff asks me.
“All right, thanks for asking.”
“You look good, happier.”
“I am. I’ve been focusing on taking each day as it comes. Not having expectations for it or what the outcome will be. Also, I met a friend who’s been through a similar situation and we’ve been good support for one another.”
I hope I’m not overstepping any boundaries by telling Jeff about Bain.