Glancing down for a brief moment, I stare at our hands, the gesture catching me off guard. “It’s okay, we’ll do it together,” I respond and squeeze her fingers.
For the rest of the ride, we sit in silence. Our hands rest comfortably on my lap and I thank God Arion came with me. Anxiety fills my body, thinking about what we’re about to do. Finally we pull up to the house. It looks just like I remember and is still for sale. I’ve been here once, and it took everything I had, just to drive by, so I know getting out and walking around is going to be hard. Looking at the house as I put the car in park, I try to make sense of why it happened here. I’m baffled.
“Is this it?” she asks.
“Uh-huh.”
“Why did she come here?”
“I wonder the same thing every day. Other than the fact that it’s vacant, I have no idea.”
“Jesus, Bain, I can’t imagine what she must’ve gone through in her mind.”
“Me neither.” Her words give me a flash of Kinsey and I envision her pulling into the garage after breaking into the house. Using the new garden hose she’d just purchased and…I can’t go there.
“Ready?” she asks.
“I guess.” She opens her door and I take a deep breath then do the same. I flip the hood up on my hoodie and hop out of the car. Arion is at my side before I can look and see where she is.
“Wanna take one from here of the front of the house?” she asks.
I take out my cell phone and snap the picture, getting the full view of the entire house. Just move fast. It’s tall and modern with dark wood wrapped around it. We proceed to walk around. The garage is opposite us and I don’t think I can bring myself to go all the way around or to take any pictures of it.
I continue snapping pictures as quick as I can, neither of us saying a word, just completing the task that we came here to do. We make fast work of the job and suddenly without warning we move around to the garage – I freeze. “What?” she asks.
“I…I don’t think…”
“It’s fine, I understand. Do you want me to finish?” she asks.
“Sure, just take whatever else you think, I’ll be in the car.” I respond, walking away with my head hung low. I feel bad for leaving her, but my breathing is heavy and in that moment, my world spirals out of control. I know I’ve seen it before, but for some reason, today, standing in front of that garage, it hits me hard. This is where she killed herself. That is the place where she took her last breath. Once I’m sitting in my car, I rest my head back and close my eyes.
Small breaths are a struggle, but I push them out. I have to. I do my best to stay calm. I don’t want to freak out in front of Arion. In that moment, the only thing I know to do is to pop a few pills, but I don’t want to in front of her, so I seize the opportunity while I’m alone, opening my console and grabbing a few Xanax, relishing in the flavor on my tongue.
Arion gets in and gives me a slight smile, then holds my hand. I can’t sit here in front of this house for another second.
“Jesus, I can’t wait for you to be home,” I tell Bain as I leave school and drive back to the house.
“I know. I miss being there, too. Especially mom’s cooking and just being able to relax.”
“You don’t get a lot of that anymore, do you?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m about to join the NBA, Kins; things here are insane. Every game is flooded with NBA scouts and reporters. Our coach pushes us to play every game like it’s our last.”
“Well, I know all the hard work is going to pay off. I can’t wait to see you get drafted and to come to all your games. You know I’m going to be your number one fan.”
“I know and I’m grateful for your support. Listen, I don’t have long before practice, but I wanted to call you after I got your text. What’s up?”
“Well, I wanted to get Mom a really nice gift, but I’m confused about what she’d like. I mean, what do you buy the woman who has everything?”
“Did you ask Dad?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah, he said ‘ask your brother.’”
“Of course he did. What about a weekend getaway for the two of them, like to Napa or something?”
“That’s a great idea! Mom’s always saying how she misses California. Maybe she could visit Aunt Patti when she’s there, too?” I tell Bain.
“It sounds like a great idea to me. Why don’t you look into booking it and let me know if you want to bounce any more ideas around? I gotta run though, we have practice.”
I hang up with my brother, just before telling him about my date with Anthony tonight. I don’t know what I was thinking. Bain’s so protective over me; he would never understand why I am going out with a teacher. Pulling up to the house, my dad is in the garage.
I head towards him rather than going inside. “Hey, kid,” he says, with a smile from ear to ear.
“Hey, Dad. What are you doing?”
“Just cleaning out the car before I head out of town.”
“Where are you going?”
“Philly.”
“Nice, at least you can drive.”
“That’s the truth.”
“Where’s mom?”