‘You’re scared. I get it. You’ve been through so much. No one will ever understand what you’ve been forced to face and sacrifice. But in spite of the fact you’ve spent the past two years running from him … He. Loves. You. And, honey, that’s not his curse like you make it seem. It’s his existence. His choice. And he’s entitled to it.’ She squeezed my knee. ‘At some point you’re going to have to let yourself live and take the chances that everyone else does. And that’s not because you’re Grigori, Vi, that’s because you’re human.’
She blew out a breath and flung her hands in the air before letting them flop back down. ‘Everything is so huge with you. Big moments. Life-threatening sacrifices. World-changing triumphs. But love isn’t like that. Love is all the small moments. It’s what fills the quiet.’ She sat up suddenly, looking down at me. ‘Do yourself a favour and just sit in the quiet for a while, and hear what fills it.’
She stood up and walked to the door. She looked at me and smiled. ‘And then do us all a favour and listen, because Lincoln isn’t the only one who misses you.’
She closed the door behind her. Desperate to concentrate on something else, I quickly refocused on healing my bullet wound, but I only made it far enough to just close the wound. It would need a lot more attention, along with my hand and the rest of me, later, but Steph’s words had hit hard, and, driven by some crazy compulsion, I was suddenly shoving my feet back in my boots and slipping down the stairs. I was grateful yet again that my defensive shields helped keep me beneath Phoenix’s and Lincoln’s radars. Getting caught sneaking out would not go down well, but I needed this.
I grabbed an overcoat hanging by the door to cover the blood more than keep me warm and snuck back out onto the street.
Walking aimlessly, I eventually hit the riverbank and slumped onto a deserted bench overlooking the dark Mississippi. It was surprisingly quiet, and though I could see lights on the other side of the river and hear the far-off sounds of night-time shenanigans, I was alone save the odd passer-by.
I pulled out my phone and dialled, unsure if the call would connect.
Evelyn answered on the third ring.
‘Violet?’ she said, not because she saw my caller ID but because I was the only person who had that number. Already, I could hear her instinctive concern.
‘It’s okay,’ I assured her. ‘I’m okay. I just … Spence got himself into a bit of trouble and I’m trying to get him out of it,’ I explained, leaving out all the added extras that would only worry her and Dad.
‘Where are you?’
I grimaced. ‘New Orleans.’
Silence met me at the other end and I could picture her lips pressed tightly together as she processed all the possibilities. Finally, she sighed.
‘How bad?’ she asked, though her tone said she already had a good idea.
I swallowed. ‘Lincoln’s here,’ I said, avoiding her question and answering it at the same time.
‘Oh. How are you holding up?’
I took a deep breath. ‘Mum, why was one of your conditions when you agreed to let me become Grigori that my partner be from the Power rank?’ She’d had two conditions, and though I knew why she’d asked to be tied to Lilith’s life force, I’d never known why this other condition had been so important.
Mum sighed. ‘I’ve been wondering when you would finally ask that. Are you sure you want to hear the answer? Now? Maybe you should ask me again when you get yourself out of whatever you’ve landed yourself into there, first.’
‘Tell me.’
After a pause, I heard a screeching noise and could tell she was dragging a chair towards her. She took a deep breath. ‘I chose that rank because I knew that Powers are loyal to a fault. They’re self-sacrificing, and as a result, of all the angelic ranks, Powers are the least likely to exile. More than anything, they are territorial and the strongest of fighters. Their inclination to protect is ingrained in them, and I knew that it would be an asset in your partner.’
My heart clenched, absorbing her words as yet another piece fell into place. ‘You knew he’d die for me.’
‘Yes. I did.’
I took a few moments to take it all in, Mum allowing me the time. Finally, I sighed. ‘Do you know of an exile called Sammael?’ I asked.
‘He’s an exile of light. Very powerful. He had ties with Lilith and we were aware of him, but … I’m sorry Violet, my memory …’ She trailed off and I could sense her frustration. She hadn’t known she would pay this price to become wholly human again, that her memory of her Grigori years would be so greatly reduced. But even so, we both knew she made the right decision.
‘It’s okay, Mum. I just thought I’d ask.’
‘I know this much, Violet – I can feel it so deeply and truly that it goes beyond any memories that might have been taken: you do not want to go up against him alone.’
‘I’m not alone,’ I replied, my voice tight.
‘I’m sure you’re not. But are you sure?’
I said goodbye, promising I’d call again soon, and tilted my head back, closing my eyes. Breathing in and out slowly, I listened to the rhythm. To myself.
When I felt the urge, for once I didn’t fight it. I lowered my shields a touch, letting the emotion I worked so hard to keep at bay slither into me.
God, it hurts so much!
I wanted to stop and yet, I wanted to let go too.