I turned. ‘Why would you ask me that?’ As far as I was concerned she had no right.
She leaned back in her chair, placing her pen on her desk. ‘I ask because I’m partly responsible.’ She pressed her lips together before continuing. ‘I realise you all think of me as hard and arrogant. I’ve even been compared to exiles in that way. But the difference between them and me is that I am very aware of my failings and what they have cost me and those around me.’
I felt a rare twinge of pity for Josephine and wondered if it was genuine remorse I was hearing in her words.
‘What do you want me to say, Josephine? That it rips me in two? That it makes me want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out when I see what we’ve become? That this incredible love we have has destroyed us? Do you need to hear me say those things when they can’t and won’t change anything?’
‘No.’ She took a deep breath and let it out. ‘No. I was wondering if you might explain to me why things must be this way? I assume your reasons are valid, but I have never fully understood how you could force this distance between souls that have once been joined.’
My throat was closing over and I took the time to smother my emotions even as the coldness stabbed me from the inside. ‘Because if I don’t maintain the distance, I will lose the only thing that keeps me going.’
‘And what is that?’ she asked softly.
‘Knowing that somewhere in this world, he’s alive.’
After taking one look at me, Steph took me up to her room for a shower – scaling buildings was never a clean sport, let alone fighting to the death.
‘It’s so strange that Dapper owns Ascension,’ I said.
‘Yep,’ she said, tossing clothes from her wardrobe onto the bed. ‘He bought it about a year ago. Here,’ she said, tossing me a little black dress, which looked like it flared from the waist.
‘I’m not going out, Steph,’ I protested. I reached into my bag for a clean pair of jeans.
Steph quickly snatched them out of my hand and stuffed them back in my backpack. ‘Just put on the dress. Everyone’s already at Ascension and Dapper is stupid-excited to show you the place in action, not to mention your friends, who just want a chance to see you and show you how happy they are that you’re back. It won’t take long.’ She held the dress out to me again. ‘Put. It. On.’
I stared at her for a moment.
Steph was having none of it, though, and simply stared back until I finally gave in and took the dress.
It felt strange knowing I’d be seeing everyone in a social environment, especially without Spence. Plus, the only time I ever sported a frock these days was when I dragged Gray to our classes twice a week, and even then I changed straight afterwards. Wearing a dress now felt like stripping away one of my pieces of armour.
A piece I worried I was going to miss greatly.
When we walked through Ascension’s unmarked door we were instantly assailed by the cacophony of sounds of a night out – music, talking, orders being called out, laughter and glasses clinking. My guards were up but I still felt his presence the second we crossed the threshold. The woman on the door smiled warmly when she saw Steph, pulling her into a brief hug and giving me a curious once-over. I eyed the rack of masks behind her with every intention of taking both the mask and hair-colour glamour offered for anonymity, but Steph shook her head.
‘People still do it, but why would you when the whole point is that people are here to see you? And anyway, Dapper keeps things so tight around here that disguises are less common. It’s a safe place, Vi – free from the Academy and opposition. Try to relax.’
‘Easier said than done,’ I mumbled. This was a world I’d walked away from. One I’d never believed I would be a part of again. It had almost killed me to do it the first time and though I knew Steph was trying to help she just didn’t realise how hard it was going to be when I left again.
I took my time looking around. Though I’d been here last night, Ascension was different when it was full of people – the place was a living force unto itself. I stared up at the tall columns that supported scaffolding-style walkways and spiral staircases that wound their way up the walls. There were doorways to small rooms and bars scattered intermittently. Grigori of all shape, size, rank and age filled the club and as I anxiously noticed the numerous sets of eyes tracking me, I realised that there were also plenty that weren’t.
With each step I took in Steph’s black-and-silver heels I felt the music working its magic on me. From the beat vibrating through the floor to the sounds of the bass, I couldn’t help but relax in that way only music could inspire. It’s the one thing I’ve never been able to let go of. No matter what, it has remained my secret.