Christ, it hurts so much.
I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself of all the reasons I couldn’t storm down the hall, throw myself at him and beg for forgiveness. All the reasons things had to be the way they were. I pushed into my resources and found the switch I had come to rely on for simple survival and shut it all down, feeling my emotions slip away. It was a numbing gift that had come with a warning, but the need for it outweighed any potential negative consequences.
‘I’m okay,’ I said when I was sure I had a handle on things again. I pulled back my hood and gave Steph a small smile. ‘I was just caught off-guard. Hey.’
Steph smiled back. ‘Hey yourself. So, Onyx found you okay?’ She bit her lip nervously.
I nodded. ‘You did the right thing. It’s Spence, Steph. Of course you did.’
She breathed out a sigh of relief and slumped a little beside me while I took another moment to pull myself together. ‘Please don’t tell everyone I’m here yet. I just … I can’t face all the questions about … everything.’
‘You don’t need to ask. I’ve always kept your confidence. I always will.’
I reached over and pulled her into a hug. ‘I know. And I love you for it.’
‘Ditto,’ she said, hugging me back. ‘And at least we get to see each other. Maybe when we have Spence back and we’ve all taken turns kicking his ass we can go over my wedding plans. I picked up your dress the other day,’ she said, her eyes twinkling with excitement.
I hid my cringe, not wanting to face the wedding issue yet. Or the fact that I was going to have to stand on the other side of the aisle looking at Lincoln while Steph married the man of her dreams.
I smiled. ‘Let’s just get Spence back first.’
She nodded, happy enough to let it go for now. ‘Agreed. Why don’t we get your rooms organised and I’ll take you to see Chloe first thing. I figure the sooner the better since Lincoln won’t take long to get a clear mind and figure out that will be your next move.’
I blinked. ‘He seemed pretty clear-headed when he was speaking to me,’ I said.
She scoffed. ‘Oh, please. A hundred bucks says he’s bent over hyperventilating somewhere right now just like you.’
She seemed so sure. I, however, wasn’t.
‘Anyway,’ Steph went on, ‘he’s going to flip when he finds out Zoe and Sal didn’t tell him everything Chloe said, but that’s Josephine’s problem to deal with. At least I know he won’t bother me.’
‘Why?’ I asked, knowing I probably shouldn’t.
She shrugged. ‘He’s always known I’ve been in touch with you. He made things pretty intense in the first few months, as you know. He and Salvatore had a run-in. Eventually they worked it out and made up, but … he’s never been able to be normal around me since. I think he believes that if I’d just told him in the beginning where you were he would’ve … you know, fixed things.’
I shook my head. ‘He wouldn’t have, Steph. He would’ve just wound up more hurt. Me too. You did the right thing and I’m so sorry I left you to deal with this stuff,’ I said, realising sadly that after we brought Spence back it might really be time for me to cut ties completely. I couldn’t keep putting her in this position.
Steph watched me as if she could see my thoughts. ‘When the alternative was never speaking to you again, it really wasn’t a high price to pay,’ she said sternly. ‘And anyway, if I hadn’t known where you were, Onyx would never have found you. It all worked out. Lincoln’s just … Lincoln.’
‘I suppose,’ I mumbled. But I was feeling better. Back in control. I stood up, pulling Steph after me, keen to close this conversation. I took the time to reposition my hood. People might already be gossiping that I was there but I wasn’t ready to confirm it yet. ‘No chance of seeing Chloe tonight?’ I asked.
Steph shook her head. ‘The infirmary’s closed for the night. Besides, you look like you could do with some sleep.’
Despite the fact even my fingernails were exhausted I didn’t think I’d be getting much sleep tonight. ‘Do you know where Onyx is staying? He said Gray and I could stay with him.’
She smiled. ‘You don’t know?’
My eyebrows crinkled and her smile broadened. ‘Onyx and Dapper own Ascension now.’
The bar hidden within one of the pillars of Brooklyn Bridge was closed for the night by the time Gray and I let ourselves in using the keypad code Steph had given us.
I barely made it three steps into the main bar before Dapper was in front of me sweeping me into a huge hug. A number of people – obviously staff cleaning up after the night – were staring wide-eyed and I knew it wasn’t at me. Dapper wasn’t exactly a cuddler.