‘Two reasons. One, I miss talking to you.’ His eyes flashed up, his gaze holding mine for a beat. ‘You’re the only person who has ever known me – for better and worse.’
When I failed to respond, he tossed the ball and went on. ‘And, two, it’s difficult to stand back and watch you disappear. Especially when you are using something I gave you in order to do so.’
‘I’m not disappearing,’ I said, my shoulders tensing. ‘I’m very much here, working. I’m doing my job.’
He looked like he was about to argue, but stopped short. ‘I looked in on Simon and Tom,’ he said softly.
I felt the surge of his guilt and sadness. When Phoenix had given me a part of his essence, he’d also given me a mutation of his gifts. He was an empath and could move like the wind. For me, it wasn’t exactly the same. I could move faster than before, and instead of reading and influencing emotions, I can turn them off – something that helped in my daily survival. However, when someone experiences a sudden influx of strong emotions and my guards aren’t at full strength, I sensed a little something, and that was what I felt now.
Simon and Tom were two of the children we’d rescued from Lilith’s cages. They were still too young to embrace, but Simon must have been getting close. Since many of the kids had no family left to raise them, the Academy had set up a makeshift home and school for them within their walls.
‘How are they?’ I asked. I thought about them often.
‘Strong. Simon is fifteen now and will embrace in less than two years. He’ll be an amazing fighter but he’s …’
‘Compassionate, too,’ I said, already knowing this of Simon. His heart was so gentle.
Phoenix nodded, looking down.
I felt my own sadness at his reaction. Did he look away because he thought that I was not?
‘He’ll be a good addition to the Academy ranks,’ I said, moving on.
‘That’s not what he thinks.’
‘No?’ I asked, my brow furrowing.
‘No, he thinks the moment he has embraced he will be going out to find you.’ Phoenix watched for my reaction, which I kept neutral, despite my panic.
‘Why would he do that?’
‘Because he’s strong and strong warriors want strong leaders. He saw you in action, understands what you are capable of. I imagine in his time at the Academy he has seen much, but nothing that compares to …’ He trailed off.
‘I’m not a leader, Phoenix. I’m a weapon. And I take down everything and everyone in my path. If you care about his future, you should make sure he stays away from me.’
‘And maybe you should let other people be the judge of that, Violet.’ He said my name so softly, as if he were pleading with my heart. He sighed. ‘Don’t you ever wonder what he might have said if you’d just hung around a few more minutes that day?’ And just like that the conversation veered into forbidden territory.
‘Don’t,’ I warned. ‘And coming from you, that’s just … Don’t.’
‘Why? Because I love you?’
I shook my head, more to myself than him. ‘You love me but you want to know why I didn’t stay with him?’
The lines around his eyes tightened in a pained expression but he didn’t look away. ‘Am I not allowed to want your happiness because it conflicts with my own?’
I flinched. ‘You’re an angel now. You don’t feel emotions like that.’ But he and I both knew I knew better. I just couldn’t bear to hear those words from him. From anyone.
He half laughed, his hair flopping forward. The colours were more dazzling than ever, the streaks of purple so rich on top of the midnight black and the highlights of silver like shooting stars. ‘I might be an angel, but I will always be fathered by man. Damned to never be enough of anything.’
It was one of the hardest realities for him. It meant that while he didn’t suffer the effects of insanity when he was an exile, as an angel he still experienced emotions that were entirely human and so was left feeling constantly lacking. I wished I could explain to him that that was the very thing that made him extraordinary.
He tossed, caught, kept his eye on the ball as he went on. ‘Violet, I know what I’ve done and that the time has passed for me to dare to fight for you. I know we will never be anything more than friends. But I’ll always love you. That, I’m afraid, appears to be as innate as my darkness. And I know that this is true because it’s more important to me that you are happy, than that I am.’
I gripped my pillow tightly, understanding the magnitude of such a confession from an angel of dark. I wanted to crawl over to him, to sigh deeply and let him hold me.
‘Then you’ll understand why I won’t discuss this,’ I said.
Toss. ‘Yes.’ Catch. ‘But I’m in a difficult position because your choices have left you emotionally ruined and physically tormented.’
‘Wow,’ I whispered. ‘Don’t hold back.’ I rubbed my palms into my eyes, feeling the cold that was always there press against me. Acknowledging it never helped.
‘How bad is it?’ he asked softly.