“That’s a good question, one that I need to find the answer to, but I won’t find it here.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yes,” I say with a nod.
“Where to? For how long?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her, not wanting her to know, and when I give her son one last look-over, I turn my attention back to her. “You aren’t the only one with secrets. We all have them.”
She gives me a slight nod and starts moving towards the door. I follow and say goodbye to the woman who blindly found herself tangled in my game of lies. But she’ll go back to her husband, Richard, who believes that baby is his, and continue to live her life while I get myself ready to go see what could have been mine. If only . . .
“I’m sorry, Elizabeth.”
My heart catches at the sound of his voice as I close the door, and when I turn to look over my shoulder, I see his face, and suddenly I’m soothed. He stands right by me, dark hair, sad eyes.
“Why?”
Pike hangs his head, shoving his hands into his pants pockets, and I can see the tension in his muscles under his ink-covered arms.
“I took that away from you,” he says as he raises his eyes to me.
“Took what?”
“What she has. What you deserved.”
“Maybe you did me a favor,” I respond. “I would’ve been a shitty mom anyway.”
Shaking his head, he counters, “No. You would have been a great mom.” Pike takes in an uneven breath, and I can feel his regret with each word, “I’m sorry I took that away from you.”
Truth is, I don’t know what kind of mom I would’ve been, but I was willing to take the role with Declan by my side. I trusted him to keep me together. Trusted that his love would be enough to make me better. But I’m not better, and without him, I’m nothing.
Empty.
“It’s life, right?” I say with a defeated shrug of my shoulders.
“Not the life I wanted for you,” he says, stepping closer to me. “All I ever wanted was to give you a better life. All I wanted was to rip that lock off that door when you were little and cut you free from that fucking closet. I wanted to take away all the times I was forced to rape you. I wanted to take away all your beatings, all your hurt. But I fucked up.”
With no need for my steel cage with him, I let my tears fall, and I cry because that’s all I ever wanted . . . for my life to disappear. I want to forget all the horror.
“I never meant to destroy you like this.”
“I know.”
“I panicked. I got scared, and I lost it,” he tries to explain through his strained voice that threatens to break.
“I miss you, so much, Pike. I don’t even know how to live any more. I have no one. Not one person on this Earth,” I cry and then crumple to my knees. But he’s right there with me on the floor, hand on my back, as I heave and sob, “What do I do?”
“You live.”
“How?”
“You breathe. You fight. You take everything that was meant to be yours in this life because you deserve all of it.”
“I’m just so tired of fighting for nothing,” I tell him.
Taking my face in his hands, he wipes my tears, saying, “You’re not alone. I’m here. Do you feel me?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not for nothing. Never stop fighting.”
I close my eyes and relax my cheek into his hand, taking in his touch and truly feeling him. With a deep breath, I inhale his words and search for comfort in them, search for any shred of strength. Strength to breathe, to move, to open my eyes, and when I do, he’s gone.
Looking around the room, there’s no trace of Pike, no movement, no smell, no sound. Sitting back on my heels, I observe the penthouse, the illusory world I’ve created, and I hear his faint whisper, “This was your creation, and you were strong enough to master it.”
And he’s right.
I was strong.
But that’s when I had something to fight for. That fire in me is gone. Only ash and embers remain. Echoes and shadows. Darkness and death.
Pike is right though; I need to move. If I’m going to live, I need to remind myself that there is good in this life. Even if the good comes in miniscule drips, I have to believe the pain is worth those moments, because I’ve experienced it. It was real and alive and I would go through this agony all over again just to feel the love of Declan for one more second. I never thought the world could be that good, but it was.
For that moment . . .
It was so good.
Picking myself up off the floor, I steady on my feet before grabbing my coat and keys. As much as I’ve been avoiding the reality of Declan’s absence, I need to face it. To remember that it was real and it’s worth this pain.