“And that pissed me off. It was like I was losing you. But I felt so gross about myself at the same time. It all made me so mad because I didn’t want to be one of those girls who felt bad about themselves because of some guy.”
She sits up and I lay my head in her lap as she pulls her fingers through my hair. I tell her about every little thing. About Bo at the mall, and how he didn’t tell me he was changing schools. And Mitch. And the dance. Halloween. Going back to Harpy’s. Bo. I tell her all about Bo. And how she’d like him so much. And how he wants to be my boyfriend.
“He wants to put this label on us,” I tell her. “And you know we won’t even make it one day at school without being ridiculed. He doesn’t get that.”
“Listen,” she says. “Lots of people are assholes, okay? I won’t lie to you there, but look at Tim and me. He’s way shorter than me. You think people don’t laugh at us? They do.”
It’s true, but until this moment, it’s not anything I’ve even heard El mention.
“But you don’t always get to choose who your heart wants. And even if we always did get to choose, I’d choose Tim. I’d choose him every time. So you gotta think: a relationship is between two people. All those assholes at school are bored spectators. You and Bo behind the Dumpster at Harpy’s. That was y’all’s hearts talking. But you and Bo dating. Being exclusive. That’s your head. Your heart is all in, but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to choose. From what it sounds like, he’s already made his choice.”
It’s so easy, I think, to say so in my head. Even out loud. But doing. Taking his hand and saying I deserve this. We deserve this. That’s terrifying. “I was scared y’all broke up,” I say. “You and Tim. I saw you crying in the hall the other day.”
Her hand stops for a minute. She sniffs. “My parents are fighting again. My dad went and spent the night on Uncle Jared’s couch. He’s back. But I don’t know. This feels like it might be it.”
“God. El, I am so sorry.”
“I wanted to tell you so bad. But I was being stubborn. And dumb.”
“No, I should’ve gone up to you when I saw you there.”
“It’s okay,” she says. “This isn’t the first time. Some things just can’t be fixed. Not forever.”
The thought makes my heart flinch. I sit up and we stay put for a little while, entwined like a set of cats.
FIFTY-SEVEN
I end up hanging out with Ellen and Tim for the rest of the afternoon. As we drive up to my house, I see that Bo’s truck is parked out front. “Um, is that who I think it is?” asks El.
He stands outside my front door with a huge metal toolbox at his feet.
Tim pulls into my driveway, and El hops out so I can drag myself out of the backseat of the Jeep.
I walk across the yard, and can feel Ellen at my heels. I turn abruptly. “What are you doing?” I ask her.
“I want to see this.”
“No. Nope. You’re going home.”
“Call me,” she says. “DO. NOT. FORGET.”
“Okay.”
She hugs me, and I hold on for a second too long, hoping that part of her will seep into my skin.
I wait for Tim to pull away before I take the last few steps to Bo. “Is this a home invasion or something?”
He whips around like he hadn’t heard Tim drop me off. A brown leather tool belt hangs low on his waist. “I swear this isn’t as creepy as it looks.”
“It looks pretty creepy.”
His smile is steady, yet nervous. “I was out with my dad, helping him with a few jobs when we ran into your mom at the gas station. I guess they went on a few dates in high school.”
I laugh. “So not surprised.”
“She mentioned your front door again, and my dad . . . well, actually, I volunteered to come fix it. I hope that’s not weird.”
I sit down on the stoop and he does the same. “Kinda weird.”
Unspoken words that I don’t know how to say weigh against my chest. “Did you get it fixed?”
“It was a really easy fix actually. I kind of can’t believe you guys left it like that for so long.”