Down and Dirty (Dare Me)

chapter Twelve


Shane kept his eyes on the snowy back road, but he didn’t need to see her to know she was beyond furious. He did a perfunctory soul-searching but couldn’t find even a morsel of regret for his actions, so she was shit out of luck if she expected an apology.

“It wasn’t just the cold, Cat.” He tried to keep the emotion from his voice and stated the facts, hoping she would understand, but resigning himself to the consequences if she didn’t. He wasn’t going to lie to her no matter how much the truth pissed her off. “I didn’t want you to find her.”

The words hung in the air between them until she started to sputter. “I don’t understand. You like being a hero so much that you didn’t want to miss out on the glory? If that’s the case, then I don’t even know who you are.”

Her lack of faith in his character cut deep, but he didn’t let it show. Emotions were high; it had been a rough day on everyone. “Obviously not. And maybe I phrased that incorrectly. What I meant was that I didn’t want you to find her because I didn’t think she was going to be found alive.”

He gave her a second to process what he was saying, then continued. “It’s freezing, we didn’t know how long she’d been out or if she’d managed to find shelter. Jesus, Cat, we’re right next to a huge lake. Do you have any idea what it’s like to see a child who’s drowned?” He shook his head and tried to block out the memories of a recent monsoon rescue effort. “I come in with a can-do attitude with every job, but if I had to put a number on it? Gracie’s chances were less than fifty percent and dropping with every hour. If she hadn’t made it… Seeing something like that weighs on you.”

He gritted his teeth against the twinge of guilt that crept in. “I care about you too much to watch you go through that. We needed someone inside to help Maggie and keep the teams nourished and warm. You were as good a choice as anyone.”

“Her parents were out there,” she argued, fists balled on her thighs.

“That wasn’t my call. If there had been something I could do to dissuade them, believe me, I would have. You didn’t need to be there. And face it, you did help, Cat. Maggie needed someone badly, and I know the team appreciated everything you did. I don’t think some of them would have been able to stay out as long as they did if not for you guys keeping them going with the coffee and dry gear.”

She was quiet for so long, he wondered if she was going to respond at all. Then she blew out a weary sigh and slumped deeper into the seat. “I thought we were past this. I thought you’d accepted that I don’t want a guy who feels like he needs to take care of me. I can take care of myself.”

There was no anger now, which should have been a good sign, but somehow the resignation and sadness in her voice was far more chilling.

“Just take me home, Shane.”

For the rest of the ride, they didn’t speak, but he could feel her fortifying the wall between them, brick by brick. He thought about pressing her, pushing for a resolution, but he’d used the last reserves of his energy back in the woods, and neither one of them was in a good frame of mind for a conversation. By the time they pulled into her driveway, he wondered if she’d drifted off.

“Did you want to come in for a minute? I can make you a hot coffee to go, and I’m sure I can find a dry pair of socks to fit you.” The offer was clipped, delivered in much the same way a DMV employee might ask an impatient driver to take a number, and forced him to reconsider putting off the rest of their conversation.

He turned to face her. “Look, I know you’re mad at me right now, but let’s not leave things like this. I need you to understand that I wasn’t trying to hurt you back there.”

“The thing is, I’m not even mad. I was mad. Now I’m just like…whatever.” She angled toward him and took his still-chilly hand in her gloved one. “This wasn’t your fault. You’re a hero, and you saved that little girl’s life today. I think you’re an amazing person, and I let that sway me. I always knew we weren’t right for each other.”

“Come on, Cat. I just wanted to protect you.”

“That’s the problem. I don’t need protecting.” Her green gaze was clear with resolve. “You think because you kept me from choking or bandaged my knee that I need you to take care of me all the time? I hate to break it to you, but I wouldn’t have needed saving if you hadn’t been there f*cking my head all up. And I don’t want the man in my life assuming he knows what’s best for me. I need a companion who wants to have dinner followed by some good sex, then sort of do our own thing so I can get back to taking over the world, solo. That’s not you, Shane.”

She jabbed a finger in his direction, her voice breaking. “You fill up the room, even the corners, until there’s no space for anything else. When I’m with you, I can’t think of anything else. It’s a short trip from there to me staying home knitting booties for fun instead of skating roller derby. I’m terrified that I’ll start to like your protection, and I’ll wake up some day to find my bucket list, wrinkled and yellow, stuffed in the back of a drawer next to my dusty nunchucks. Trust me, it’s better that we realized it now before there’s nothing left but resentment and regret.”

He could feel his jaw tense and again considered trying to stay this discussion until the next day, but he couldn’t help himself. “That’s bullshit.”

She drew back, a little of the fire back in her eye. “Really? And what’s bullshit about it? It’s always been this way, even when we were young.”

“I’m so sick of you throwing that in my face. Do you have any idea how hard that was on me? I wanted you so badly, it was all I could think about. But I made a promise to your brother that I would watch out for you. I keep my promises. Always.”

“Fine then, you want to tell yourself that’s all it is? Fast-forward to present tense. We’ve slept with each other twice and you’re already squashing me again. I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator of things to come.”

He let out a snort of disgust. “You can downplay it all you want, but we’re not two strangers who banged after a night at the bar a couple of times. I know you have feelings for me and I sure as shit have feelings for you, which is why I didn’t want to see you hurt. It’s called caring about someone.”

She jerked her head around to gaze out the side window, but he wasn’t having it. “F*cking look at me,” he growled.

She turned to face him again, teeth clenched.

“I’d never ask you to give up doing the things you love or to stop crossing things off your bucket list. Those are the things that make you you. I just wanted to shield you from some pain. Is that so wrong?”

She didn’t roll her eyes, but she didn’t need to. Her hand was on the door handle, and she was clearly mentally checking out of this conversation. He yanked off his seat belt and pulled at his coat zipper.

“What are you doing?” she asked with a frown.

He struggled out of his coat sleeves and then pulled his shirt over his head. He jabbed a finger at the symbol tattooed on his shoulder. “I got this last year, to commemorate five years on the job. Five years of triumphs. Five years of failures, and believe me, those stick with you.” A familiar pain welled up as he remembered some of the tougher ones, but he pushed past it. “I’d rather cut off my own arm than have you go through that. The thing is? My job also makes me realize how precious life is. That’s what made me want to come home and be with family.”

A fat tear dripped down her cheek to her mouth, and she licked it away.

“And that’s what makes me a hundred percent sure that being with someone you love is worth fighting for, no matter the risks.” He took her hand and squeezed it, but she pulled away.

“Where is this talk about love coming from?”

Her voice had gone shrill and her eyes wild. He knew that look. Cat prepping to run for it. “If I hadn’t been drinking that night, we wouldn’t even be here right now,” she said. “All we know is that we’re sexually compatible. Nothing else. I’ve been doing a lot of things that make it seem otherwise, but I’m being one hundred percent real with you right now.” She pulled the door handle and it swung open, letting in a blast of cold. “I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. I don’t want to be a wife. I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want to want this. This has got to stop, or I’m going to lose my mind. Just because we have great chemistry doesn’t mean we’d make a great couple.” She unlatched her seat belt and started to get out of the truck.

Anger burned in the pit of his gut and he let it rip. “You said that before, you know. That night in Atlantic City. Like you think this was some spur-of-the-moment thing for me. Like you f*cked me right that first night, and now I’m p-ssy-whipped and decided we should be together forever.”

She ignored him, scrambling desperately to gather her stuff from the floor, but he pressed on.

“That’s so far from the truth. I came back here for you, Cat. Because I’ve always known we’d make a great couple. Since we were teenagers. I was just waiting for you to grow up and realize it, too.”

She was already out the door when he called after her.

“My mistake was thinking you ever would.”