‘Miller, you’re squashing me.’ I practically gasp the words, but he only squeezes harder. ‘Miller, ease up.’ I feel his head shake in my neck. ‘Miller, please!’
He pushes up quickly from my body, dropping his head and eyes, leaving me gasping and heaving on the bed. He won’t look at me. I rub some life back into my arms, my legs, everywhere, but he refuses to acknowledge the discomfort he’s caused me. He looks worryingly beaten. Where’s this come from?
I scramble to my knees to mirror him and take his hands in mine. ‘You don’t need to be concerned by that because I’ve told you how it is for me,’ I say calmly, reassuringly, quietly relieved that he appears to be as concerned by the potential of separation as I am.
‘Our feelings are irrelevant,’ he says factually. His declaration makes me back up slightly.
‘Of course they’re relevant,’ I argue, a coldness I don’t like settling over me.
‘No.’ He shakes his head and pulls his hands from my grip, leaving mine to fall lifelessly to my thighs. ‘You’re right. I should have let you walk away from me.’
‘Miller?’ I can feel the panic begin to set in.
‘I can’t drag you into my darkness, Olivia. This has to end now.’
My chest is beginning to crack open slowly. I’m making his world light. What’s the matter with him? ‘You don’t know what you’re saying. I’m helping you.’ I try to take his hands again, but he pulls them out of my reach and gets up from the bed.
‘I’ll take you home.’
‘No,’ I whisper, watching as his back disappears into the bathroom. ‘No!’ Jumping up from the bed, I run after him, grabbing his arm and yanking him around to face me. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m doing what’s right.’ There’s no feeling, no remorse or sorrow. He’s shut down on me, worse than ever before, the mask fixed firmly in place – no suit required. ‘I should never have let it go this far. I shouldn’t have come back for you.’
‘It?’ I yell. ‘You mean us! There is no it, or you, or I now. It’s us!’ I’m falling apart on him, my shaking body refusing to calm – not until he holds me and tells me I’m hearing things.
‘There’s you, and there is me.’ He looks slowly up at me. His blue eyes are empty. ‘There can never be an us.’
His cold words stab at my splitting heart. ‘No.’ I refuse to accept this. ‘No!’ I shake him by the arms, but he remains impassive and detached. ‘I’m your habit.’ I start to sob, the tears bursting from my eyes uncontrollably. ‘I’m your habit!’
He pulls his arms away and steps back. ‘Habits are bad for you.’
My chest explodes open, exposing my shattered heart. ‘You’re talking rubbish.’
‘No, I’m talking complete sense, Livy.’ He walks away and steps in the shower, not even flinching as the unheated water pours all over him.
I’m not giving up. There must be something wrong with him. My panic fuels my doggedness and I’m in the shower, pushing at his body as he attempts to shampoo his hair.
‘You don’t get to do this to me again, not now! Not after everything!’
He ignores me and rinses his hair before he’s even really washed it. Then he hastily escapes me, exiting the other side of the shower, but I’m relentless, shouting as I go after him. I’m grabbing at his wet back, trying to stop him, but he shrugs me off, trying to dry himself and fight his way from the bathroom.
I’m deranged, my heart pounding, my body quaking. ‘Miller, please!’ I cry, dropping to my knees and watching him disappear again. ‘Please.’ My head falls into my palms, like darkness and hiding might drag me from my nightmare.
‘Get up, Livy.’ His impatient tone only serves to make me sob harder. ‘Get up!’
I confront his stone-cold face with my tear-drenched eyes. ‘You just made love to me. I’ve accepted you. You wanted me to forget that man and I have.’
‘He’s still here, Livy,’ he grinds harshly. ‘He’s never going away!’
‘He was gone!’ I insist desperately. ‘He’s never here when we’re together.’ That’s not true, and I know it, but I’m falling further into hell and I’ll try anything to claw my way back.
‘Yes, he is,’ he spits, leaning down and pulling my waiflike frame from the floor. ‘I was stupid to think I could do this.’
‘Do what?’
He recoils and releases me, waving up and down my body. ‘This!’
‘You mean feel?’ I smack him on the chest. ‘You mean love?’
His mouth snaps shut and he steps back, clearly fighting to control his twitching body. ‘I can’t love you.’
‘Don’t,’ I murmur pitifully. ‘Don’t say that.’
‘The truth hurts, Olivia.’
‘It’s that woman from last night, isn’t it?’ I ask, her smug face suddenly all I see through my fear. ‘Sophia. What did she say?’
‘It’s got nothing to do with her.’ He stalks from the bathroom, and I know it’s because I’m working my way closer to the issue.
‘Did you really want to stop?’
‘Yes!’ he barks, swinging around and nailing me with incensed eyes, but he soon backs down, realising what he’s said. ‘No!’