“Not tonight, love.”
I hear her sigh before her arms wrap around me from behind. “You don’t have to suffer alone, Ry. I’m here, your brothers are here. I know the weight you carry, trying to save us all, but that isn’t your job, okay? I don’t need you to save me. I need you to stand with me, to lean on me so I can lean on you. You don’t always have to be perfect, cold, and calculating. It’s okay to break every now and again, but don’t do it alone.”
I don’t reply, and she kicks my chair around and gets in my face, her own contorted in anger now. “Fucking talk to me, Ryder. Don’t shut me out. Don’t be that asshole, or I swear you will lose me. You want to protect us? Fine, you want to wallow in self-pity? Fine, but do not dare freeze me out, not now, not ever.”
With a roar, I’m up and in her face in an instant, my hand around her neck. “No? Would you rather I took it out on you? Hit you? Hurt you? Because that’s what will happen if you keep pushing, Roxanne. I am him, after all.” I push her away in disgust, not at her but at me, knowing if I don’t, I could actually hurt her. His blood runs through my veins, and it was a day like this where he used to take it out on my mum.
I feel it too.
The need to forget, to hurt someone so I feel stronger, less out of control. To control her and her actions so that all these…these fucking emotions and turmoil goes away again. I’m a monster like him.
And it’s my biggest fear that I would hurt her, because I love her.
And my love? It comes with barbs.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
ROXY
“You want to hurt me? Fine, do it if it helps. I can take it,” I snap, sick of this bullshit. Just when I think I’m getting close, he pulls away again, only offering me the pieces of him he wants to, shielding the others. I’m done with it.
He slams his hands onto the window, his head pressing to the glass. “Get out,” he orders.
“No,” I reply calmly, crossing my arms. “Not until you get all this shit out in the open. You’re worried about hurting me? Because of your father? Right? Or maybe you’re just blaming yourself for everything that’s happened.” I snort when he flinches. “I know you, Ryder, probably better than you think. You will run through every goddamn detail, blaming yourself, thinking you could have prevented it, but, baby? Sometimes shit just happens, and guess what? I don’t blame you, and your brothers don’t either. Because of you, we are alive and together. Shit happens, Ryder, you have to deal with it and move on. If you get trapped in the past, you will never be free of its ghosts.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I think I’ve pushed him too far, but when his voice comes out, it’s small and scared. “It’s my job to protect you all.”
Dropping my arms, I head over and press my head against his back, wrapping my arms about his trembling body. “Yes, and no. It’s our job to protect each other. We all knew what we were getting into, Ryder. This life isn’t easy. If it was, everyone would do it, but stop trying to take all the weight for yourself. A Viper needs balance, you need your brothers and me.”
He turns, and I’m pushed back. His eyes are wild, his mouth is pursed in a snarl, his body is shaking, and his fists are clenched. He looks magnificent and fucking terrifying. “And when I can’t? What if I let you all help me? What if I let it all out and I’m just like him?” he screams.
“Like your father?” I ask.
He looks away, jaw grinding. “He was a bastard, Roxxane, a true fucking bastard. He-he hurt my mother and me and Kenzo.” He shakes his head, seeming to deflate as he watches me. “What if I hurt you?”
“Then I’ll kill you.” I laugh, and he glares at me. “Ry, you can’t hurt me unless I let you. I’m sorry, but I’m not your mother, I’m a fighter. I survived my father, I survived D and Garrett, I can survive your demons. I would never let you hurt me more than I wanted to, and neither would the others. You are so scared of being him, you’re stopping yourself from being you.”
He swallows, his eyes searching mine. “I killed him.”
I blink at that. “Okay?”
He laughs, a self-deprecating sound. “You’re not even surprised.”
“That you killed a man who hurt your mother and brother?” I snort. “No, Ryder, I’m not surprised. I wish you had done it sooner.”
He grins, but it soon deflates, and he sits back down, his body heavy as if he’s tired. “Kenzo tried to,” he admits, his voice laced with pain and guilt. How long has he been holding onto this? “I’d killed before, my father made me, shaping me into his enforcer. I did it to protect Kenzo, because I knew if I didn’t, then he would make my brother. But I couldn’t protect him forever, and even though I tried to shield him from that life, he walked into it anyway to save me from my dad. He saw what it was doing to me and hated it. He took my gun one night when I was asleep, went to the hotel—”
“The hotel? Where I was?” I question, as I plop into his lap. He needs to talk, but he needs me there too. He wraps his arms around me gratefully, his head pressing to mine.
“One in the same, love, it’s ours, I wanted it to rot.” He kisses me then softly, so softly. “He went there to kill him, to save me. But when he got to my father, he couldn’t do it. He’s a lover, and the first time you pull the trigger is hard, love, and on our own father? Impossible for Kenzo. He saw the good in everyone and loved them, even when they didn’t deserve it, still does.”
“Hey,” I protest, and he smiles.
“Not you, Roxxane. If anyone in this world deserves love, it’s you and him, but Garrett, D, and me? Not so much.”
I shake my head, but he covers my mouth. “Let me talk, okay? I woke up, and when I saw my gun was missing, I knew. He had been acting weird all day, and I just knew, love. I’ve never been so scared. I knew my dad would kill him, and by the time I got there, Kenzo was bleeding, on death’s door. I took the gun from him—”
“You killed him,” I mumble against his hand.
“I killed him, shot him in the head, then unloaded the clip on him.” He winces then. “And I felt nothing, nothing, love. Not even joy, it was just something that needed to be done. I helped Kenzo up, and we just stood over him. All our lives, he had been a tyrant, such a big, strong man. All that power and money, and in the end, all it did was sign his death warrant. He looked so weak, so small. It was easy to do, kill, easier to take over his business and destroy it. It was when I was in my element, destroying things, while Kenzo was the builder.” He sucks in a breath, and I push closer, offering him comfort as he unloads all the weight pulling him down.
“He pulled this family together. I think he did it for me, to try and keep me anchored because he saw it too—my ability to destroy, my potential to be worse than my father, and he was trying to stop it, and it worked, love, for so long. It grounded me, but then you came—” He shakes his head again, his eyes lighting up and his lips curling. “Like a fucking hurricane. You shook up my world. I knew you would when I saw you, but I just couldn’t walk away. There’s an innocence to you. I know you’ve seen the shit life has to offer, but you still smile, still laugh. I craved it, wanted to make it mine and…and destroy it. But I didn’t count on your fucking will. You wrapped me—us, around your fingers so easily. I would do anything for you, love, be anything you needed, and that terrified me because that same power, those same demons who made my dad him are in me, and you have to deal with them all. Because I can’t let you go, not ever.”
My heart cracks at his words. Ryder, God, my poor Ryder. So worried all the time. No wonder that ice is there, it keeps him and everyone around him safe from the fire within. D uses it, Kenzo blocks it, Garret unleashes it, but Ry? Ry lives in it.
“That makes me a bastard, I know, but when you are in my arms, I feel invincible. I feel so fucking strong, like I could do anything. You make me like that. You make me stronger, and because of that, you have to deal with the consequences…”
Pushing his hand away, I kiss him hard. “And I’ll gladly take them. Ryder, you’re stronger than you know, so fucking strong. Why do you think I stayed? Even when I first came, I didn’t really try to escape and never really knew why. Maybe it’s because I knew this was where I belonged. In your arms. So you have demons? Baby, they match mine. We can do this together, but no more icing us out. We are family. They won’t judge you, just like you don’t judge them. It’s time to let go, Ryder, let the ghosts die with that hotel, because you have so much more to live for now. And I will remind you every fucking day if you need me to. I will take it all, every bit of anger and destruction. Paint it across my skin, I’ll wear it gladly. I’m yours, Ryder, and you’re mine.”