We stayed that way for a moment, neither of us wanting to untangle ourselves from each other. But eventually we had to deal with the cold.
The covered canvas kept some of the frigid air at bay, but not enough for us to lie comfortably naked for long. Ridley sat up and lay his jacket over me as a temporary blanket as he searched around for something to cover up with.
Underneath one of the benches, he found a silver Mylar blanket from an opened emergency kit, and he spread it over us. He lay down beside me and pulled me into his arms.
“Well, that was a nice talk,” I murmured, resting my head against his chest and pressing myself closer to him.
“I actually did want to talk to you,” he said, his words muffled in my hair.
“Yeah?” I pulled back a little and titled my head so I could look up at him. “What about?”
“I don’t know when we’ll be able to talk again,” he said finally. “And I just wanted to be sure that you knew everything and understood how I really feel.”
My heart skipped a beat. “Everything about what?”
“About why I’ve been so cold and distant.” He stared at the canvas above us. “I never wanted to hurt you or push you away. It’s just . . . when I was in Doldastam, while we were apart, and Mina had me locked up in the dungeon, she never asked me anything about you. Not once. The entire time I was there.”
“You mentioned that,” I said softly.
“I know.” He nodded. “But I didn’t say that she never talked about you. Because she talked about you a lot. Constantly, actually.”
“What do you mean? What did she say?” I asked, tensing up.
“She talked about how strong and capable you were, and how you’d never had any trouble until you started getting involved with me.” He looked down at me. “I don’t know how she knew that we’d kissed or slept together, but she’d found out somehow.”
I shivered, and not from the cold. I’d never told anybody about the night that Ridley and I had spent together. And all of the ways I could imagine she’d discovered that secret were creepy and disturbing.
He lowered his eyes, his voice growing thicker as he spoke. “Then she started telling me how I’d brought you down and destroyed your chances of being on the H?gdragen, how all I did was ruin everything I touch.”
“Ridley, that’s not true.” I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything to me. I made choices on my own, and most of the ones that have gotten me in trouble have had nothing to do with you.”
“I know. I mean, part of me knew that.” He sighed. “But after you hear it, over and over . . . Eventually, her words just took hold somewhere inside me, and she had me convinced that I would be the death of you.”
I put my hand on his face, forcing him to look at me. “It’s not true. Nothing Mina said was true.”
He swallowed hard. “When I was there, all I could think about was how I could get back to you, and how I was terrified of what would happen to you if I did. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.”
“I know you’d never hurt me,” I whispered.
He kissed me again, softer this time and less insistent. “I love you, Bryn,” he breathed deeply. “And I want to spend all night with you like this, but we should get back and get some sleep.”
“Tomorrow we’ll arrive in Doldastam,” I said with a heavy sigh. His arm tightened around me. “Are you scared?”
“Yes,” he admitted. “But I’m mostly afraid that I’ll lose you again.” He rolled onto his side, so he could face me fully. He reached out and touched my face. “You have to promise that you won’t do anything too risky, Bryn. I know that you’ll fight, and that you won’t shy away from trouble. But I can’t lose you again.”
“I promise,” I said, but even then, I wasn’t sure if it was a promise I could keep.
FIFTY-SEVEN
home
At the top of the hill, I lay down on my stomach. The ground beneath me was a cold mixture of snow and mud, and it soaked through my clothes, but I barely noticed. The sun had just begun to set, casting everything in a beautiful bluish glow as the sky darkened from pink to purple along the horizon.
From the hill, we could see beyond the thick pine trees that rolled down the valley going toward the Hudson Bay. And there, on the flat land, was Doldastam in a way that I rarely saw it.
I could see the four stone walls that surrounded it. Over twenty feet tall, the stones kept out most of the invaders of the past two centuries. The palace loomed along the south side of town, with its back to us. The sheer size made it appear like a castle, and the outside adornments and stained-glass windows definitely added to the effect.