Claire rose and approached his desk. “I want to call her.” She could see the deliberation on his face. She remembered not being able to read his expression. The ability wasn’t comforting. Claire tried desperately to modulate her voice. “I will do it here on the speaker phone. I don’t care if you listen to every word and tell me what to say, I just want to call her.” He still didn’t speak, but the intensity in his eyes multiplied. “Tony, may I please call her?”
“It is almost three, which would be four in Troy. Would she be home?” It wasn’t an answer but it wasn’t a denial.
Claire thought about it. School finished at three fifteen, at least it used to. “She might.” As if thinking out loud, she added, “And as a plus John won’t be.”
He didn’t respond to her last statement, instead he began to talk about her e-mails. She sat. He explained that the folder included multiple e-mails from people she didn’t know. Since their marriage many people have attempted to contact her for various reasons. Patricia had replied to everyone, “Mrs. Rawlings is unable to respond to your request at this time.”
“Your preparation for the Vanity Fair interview and execution today impressed me. I also appreciate that you made requests a month ago and have been patient. I believe you deserve to be rewarded. Therefore, regarding your e-mails, from now on before Patricia replies you will have the opportunity to review them. We will discuss them. Together we will decide responses. Of course, I will have the final say. However, I believe you have earned a voice.”
Claire realized that Tony believed he’d presented her with a freedom. She couldn’t help thinking it was instead only a glimpse of what she’s missing. The forbidden opportunities would now be staring her in the face. “Thank you, I understand.”
He turned to his computer screens, and she watched the back of his head for what seemed like hours. He knew what she wanted. She’d made her request. Now he was making her wait. How would she respond? He’d provided a token of his approval. Would she submissively accept or would she pursue the idea of calling her sister? Claire closed her eyes and tried to stop the pounding in her ears. Perched on the chair’s edge near his desk, she refused to budge. The folder, the gift he’d given her, sat closed on her lap. She didn’t care about people she didn’t know, and her head hurt too much to read anymore. She waited as his fingers flew over the keyboard, sat silently and expressionlessly as she remembered Courtney’s kind words, Life is not a test you must continually pass. Claire absentmindedly rolled her shoulders and straightened her neck. If the only way she would be able to call Emily was to pass this test, then by God she wasn’t moving from this seat. Finally, he turned to face her.
“Why have you not called until now?” He presented his question with harsh overtones.
Thinking out loud, she said, “I’ve been busy. I can tell her about the Red Cross and preparing for our interview.”
What followed were not suggestions they were orders. “You will be apologetic and explain that you have been meaning to call. Seeing her recent e-mail reminded you that you haven’t. Your reasons sound valid. I prefer that you don’t discuss the job situation. It is done. And of course there are no hard feelings.” The directives should have been upsetting. But she’d played this game before. They were the means to her goal.
“Yes, I promise.”
He dialed the phone, put it on speaker, and didn’t bother to turn away. The phone rang three times. Claire’s hopes began to sink when finally Emily answered.
“Hi, Emily, it’s Claire.” Emily’s voice brimmed with excitement. Claire’s sounded happy and apologetic. They spoke for about ten minutes. On a few occasions Tony indicated that the subject needed to be changed. Claire attempted to keep the discussion away from the job, but Emily was determined to discuss it, explaining that John was currently very close to being named partner. He didn’t feel right abandoning the firm that had taken a chance on him when he first graduated. He’d worked hard to get to his position and didn’t feel right working for family. But he was very honored that Anthony would consider hiring him. They also discussed Emily’s class and she asked about the interview Claire mentioned. Before they hung up Claire promised to do a better job responding to Emily’s e-mails.
It amazed Claire that one phone call could make her both happy and sad. Maintaining her happy voice during the call almost reduced her to tears on its completion, her energy was totally depleted. “If it is all right with you, I will take the folder upstairs and look through it. We can discuss the e-mails after dinner.”
“That is fine, you may go.” He had work to do.
Once upstairs, Claire decided to nap instead of looking through the folder. It’d been a long day. The contrast between the interview and her reality intensified the pounding behind her eyes and more recent nausea. She took some acetaminophen, crawled between the soft cool sheets, and allowed the tears from the phone call to flow. Sleep was a welcome escape.
It wasn’t long after she fell asleep that Tony woke her. He wanted to thank her again for her performance during the interview. He also believed that she wanted to thank him for everything.
This only is denied even to God: the power to undo the past.
—Agathon