Confessing to the Cowboy

chapter 5



The weather remained cold with temperatures below freezing the next day. Saturday afternoon Mary dressed in a pair of jeans and a pink sweater, wondering why she’d ever indulged Matt in his birthday wish to spend the day with Cameron. She should have put her foot down and just said no.

The sound of Matt cheerfully whistling “Happy Birthday” came from his bedroom as he eagerly readied himself for the day. And that was why she’d agreed to the plan for the day. Matt had barely been able to contain his excitement at getting to spend some quality time with Cameron for his big day.

She hadn’t realized just how deep Matt’s adulation for Cameron had run until now. But Cameron had been a constant male presence in Matt’s life for the past eight years, the only constant male presence.

She should be grateful to have such a good, strong man as a role model for her son, but at the moment all she could think about were the nerves jumping around in the pit of her stomach and how often she’d fantasized about spending time away from the café with Cameron, a fantasy that she knew was dangerous.

It was just one afternoon, she reminded herself and Matt would be the center of attention, the birthday boy. There was no reason to think anything that happened today would change her relatively safe relationship with Cameron.

There was no question about the simmering tension between them each time they were together. She recognized that simmer for what it was...sexual longing. But she’d be a fool to follow through on it and so it continued to smolder but she never would allow it to boil over.

“Mom, it’s time to go,” Matt called from the living room, his excitement evident in the higher pitch of his voice.

“I’ll be ready in just a minute,” she called back. She and Cameron had agreed that she and Matt would meet him at his place to begin their day with ice skating on his pond and when they finished Cameron would drive the three of them to the nearby town of Evanston to eat dinner at the Dragon Wok.

With a final glance in the mirror and a flutter of nerves, she left the bathroom and joined Matt. “Skates, gloves, extra socks, neck scarf?”

“I’ve got it all,” Matt replied as he patted the backpack he held in his hand. His blue eyes sparkled with eagerness. “We need to go. We don’t want to keep Sheriff Evans waiting.”

Mary glanced at her wristwatch. “We’re fine, Matt. We told Cameron we’d be at his house at two and we will be. All I have to do is check in with Rusty before I leave.”

Together the two walked from the back of the café to the kitchen where Rusty manned the grill and Junior was cutting up onions. “All set to head out?” Rusty asked.

“All set,” Matt replied as he raced through the kitchen and headed for the café front door.

“Somebody’s excited, but you look like you’re facing a firing squad,” Rusty observed.

“I’m just leaving my comfort zone.”

“You should do that more often. You’re here twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. You need a life, Mary.”

She smiled. “This is my life. You know to call me if there are any problems here,” she said.

“Number two on my cell phone is Mary,” Junior quipped and gave her his beatific smile.

“That’s right,” Mary replied. “I’ll be back sometime after the dinner rush.”

“We’ll be just fine. You go and have a good time,” Rusty replied.

Within minutes Mary and Matt were in her car and headed for Cameron’s place on the south edge of town. As she drove, Matt kept up a steady chatter about what fun it would be to skate with Cameron. Mary had already told both of the males that she had no intention of skating. She would simply be their cheerleader on the sidelines.

Thankfully it was a perfect day. Although the air was frigid, the sun was bright overhead and there was not a single wisp of wind. It didn’t take long for them to reach the attractive ranch house Cameron called home.

It was a nice place, with a long driveway lined with cedar trees. The house was white with grass-green shutters and trim. Neat and tidy, it appeared to be owned by somebody proud of where he lived.

As they pulled closer to the place, the pond appeared to the right, its icy surface glistening in the sun. “Awesome,” Matt exclaimed, eying the pond. “It’s bigger than I thought it would be.”

The minute Mary pulled to a halt and shut off her engine, Cameron stepped out on his porch, as if he’d been watching for their arrival from the window.

Once again Mary’s nerves tap-danced through her veins. Clad in a pair of worn, well-fitting jeans and a red-and-black flannel shirt, with the sun sparking off his deep brown hair and a smile curving his lips, he looked as handsome as she’d ever seen him.

Matt exploded from the passenger seat like a rocket and headed toward Cameron. “Ah, the birthday boy and his mother,” Cameron said as Mary got out of her car. He clapped a hand on Matt’s back. “Twinkie and I have been waiting for you.”

“Twinkie?” Matt looked at him in surprise. “You have Twinkie here?”

By that time Mary had joined them on the porch. The smile Cameron gave her warmed her like a pot-bellied stove on a cold wintry night.

“I have Twinkie for now,” he answered Matt. “I’m looking for a good home for her.” He opened the front door and gestured them inside. “How about we start the day with a cup of hot chocolate?”

“Sounds good to me,” Matt said as he walked through the door and immediately encountered Twinkie dressed in a furry pink sweater. “Twinkie!” Matt dropped his bag on the floor and fell to his knees as the little dog leaped into his arms and slathered kisses on his cheek. Matt’s giggles filled the room.

“It looks like Twinkie and I have the same fashion sense for a winter play day,” Mary said as she took off her coat to display her own pink sweater.

Cameron smiled, his gaze sweeping over her. “Pink is Twinkie’s best color, and it looks like it’s yours, too.”

Mary’s cheeks warmed at his compliment, and she was grateful as he turned his back to her to hang her coat in the entry closet.

“Come on into the kitchen, I’ve got the hot chocolate ready to go.” Matt finally relinquished Twinkie and as Mary followed the two through the living room she couldn’t help but notice it was neat and clean, with furniture meant to comfort and embrace.

The kitchen gave the same impression, a bright, airy room decorated in yellow and white and with a large wooden table that was more fitting for a family rather than a single man.

“Please, sit,” Cameron said. He smiled at Mary once again, that charming, warm smile that made him oh so dangerous. “Even though Matt is the official birthday boy, today is also one where somebody is going to wait on you rather than the other way around.”

“Hmm, I like the sound of that,” she replied and sank down into one of the chairs at the table.

Matt sat in the chair on her left, Twinkie futilely attempting to jump into his lap. He looked at Cameron, who shook his head. “Twinkies aren’t allowed at the table,” Cameron said.

Matt giggled. “She really is so sweet.”

“I have a feeling Twinkie doesn’t know she’s a dog,” Cameron said drily. Twinkie barked as if in agreement, the sound as tiny as her little paws.

“How come you’re looking for a home for her?” Matt asked as Cameron moved to the stove where a saucepan emitted the heavenly scent of rich dark cocoa and warm milk. “I mean, I know about Dorothy, but why don’t you just keep Twinkie here with you?”

“Twinkie needs somebody who is at home more often than I am,” Cameron explained. “She needs somebody to take her out and play and give her lots of loving, and I’m not here enough to take care of her properly.” He removed the saucepan from the stove and poured the contents into three large mugs. “Now, enough about Twinkie, who wants marshmallows?”

For the next thirty minutes they drank the creamy, rich cocoa and talked about birthdays and school and finally the two men began to challenge each other to skating contests.

“I hear a lot of big macho talk, but I don’t see any action happening,” Mary said teasingly. That’s all it took for the party to move outside to the pond.

As she followed behind the two men toward the gleaming icy water, she realized at some point in the last half an hour, she’d relaxed. Cameron was so good with Matt, teasing him and yet maintaining the boundaries of adult and child.

He’d make an amazing father. He should be a father already. He should be married with children to fill the house that felt as if it were holding its breath, just waiting for a family to appear.

Cameron had obviously planned ahead. Three lawn chairs were situated around a fire pit where wood was already laid for a fire. “We have to keep the cheerleader warm,” he said. He put a lighter to the wood and instantly got flames.

“Thanks.” She sat in the chair closest to the fire and tried not to imagine what it would be like to be with Cameron every day and every night, to be the family that filled his house, the woman who shared his bed.

Impossible dreams for a practical woman. She knew that any relationship with any man was impossible for her. She could never be open and vulnerable enough with another human being to feel the intimacy that made a happy marriage. She would always be guarded, mindful of sharing pieces of herself and her past.

As Cameron and Matt finished lacing up their skates, she leaned back in the chair, warmed by the fire and simply enjoyed the show of the boy she loved and the man she might have loved gliding and spinning across the ice.

Cameron was surprisingly graceful on the ice, gliding in a way that showed he had spent many hours skating in his past. She could easily imagine him and his brother, Bobby, spending wintry days here challenging each other in spins and figure eights. Matt began a bit wobbly, but soon found his rhythm and the two glided side by side as if they belonged together, as if they were father and son.

The vision ached in Mary’s heart for a moment and then she shoved it away, determined that the day be filled with laughter and happiness rather than regrets.

* * *

It was just after five when the three of them walked into the Dragon Wok in Evanston. The scent of exotic spices and soy sauce made Mary’s stomach gurgle with hunger. She’d been too nervous about the day to eat either breakfast or lunch.

Her nerves had vanished, cast out by the laughter that had accompanied the afternoon and now she felt ravenous enough to eat the massive colorful papier-mâché dragon that hung across the length of the ceiling of the restaurant.

They were led to a booth in the back of the busy establishment. Matt slid in next to Cameron and Mary sat alone on the opposite side, with their coats in a pile next to her.

“I’m starving,” Matt announced and grabbed one of the three menus the hostess had left when she’d seated them. “Sometimes I wish Mom and Rusty would make Chinese food.”

“Then we wouldn’t have an opportunity to have special outings here,” Mary replied.

“True,” Matt agreed. “But I also want to order a bunch of things when we come here to eat.”

“Just make sure you save room for the birthday cake I’ve got back at my place,” Cameron said.

“You baked me a cake?” Matt asked in surprise.

Cameron laughed. “No, I didn’t bake you a cake, but I got you one from the store. It’s half chocolate and half white because I wasn’t sure what you liked.”

“White,” Matt replied.

“Chocolate,” Mary said at the same time and once again they all laughed.

That set the tone for the meal. As they enjoyed the soup starter, Cameron told them how he and his brother used to tell people that their grandparents were the founders of Evanston.

“Grandpa Emmett and Grandma Ida Evans made us small-town celebrities with the other kids in Grady Gulch, who actually believed our stories,” he said. “Unfortunately it all ended when one of our friends found out that Evanston was named after Charlie Evanston who set up a cattle business in the early 1900s that became the town.”

“Bummer,” Matt said. “But that’s what you get for telling a lie.”

Cameron grinned. “That’s right and you’d better remember that as you grow up, that nothing good ever comes out of lying.”

Mary’s guilty heart cringed when she thought of all the lies she’d told, all the lies she continued to tell, to live with each day that passed. She shoved these troubling thoughts aside, refusing to allow anything to ruin the rest of what had been a wonderful day.

It was over the main entrées that Matt asked Cameron about his brother. “I’ll bet you miss him, huh? What was his name?”

“Bobby, and I miss him every day,” Cameron replied. “He was the best of all of us, fun to be around and he loved working on my mom and dad’s ranch. He loved animals and had a very gentle heart.”

“How did he die?” Matt asked. Mary was ready to jump in and stop her son from asking questions that might be too personal, too painful, but Cameron gave her a look that indicated it was okay.

She remembered how difficult it had been for Cameron when Bobby had died. Cameron had shut down, turned off and she liked to think it had been those long nights after closing at the café that had finally brought him back to life, made him realize he wasn’t honoring Bobby by grieving so deeply he kept everyone else out.

“He fell from the hay loft and broke his neck,” Cameron replied. “We think he tried to pick up too big a bale of hay by himself and lost his balance.”

“That’s so sad,” Matt said. “I always wished I had a brother or a sister, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.” He cast Mary a calculating glance. “But if I’m never going to have a brother or sister, it would be nice to at least have a little dog.”

A burst of laughter escaped Mary as she gazed at her son and shook her head. “Whoa, I didn’t see that one coming at all.”

Matt leaned over his plate of General Tso’s chicken to gaze at his mother with wistful eyes. “Mom, I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon. Twinkie needs me. I could spend all my spare time with her. I’d take her outside and play with her and she could keep me company when you’re busy in the café.”

Wisely, Cameron didn’t say a word.

Mary took a bite of her sweet-and-sour chicken before replying to her son. “How about we finish dinner and discuss Twinkie as a new family member later,” she finally replied.

“Okay,” Matt replied although it was obvious he would have liked to continue to campaign for the pooch. “I need to go to the bathroom,” he said instead. “I’ll be right back.” He scooted from the booth and disappeared down the hallway to the restrooms.

Mary watched him go and then leaned back in her chair with a sigh. “He’s never asked for a dog before. He’s never even asked for a lizard or a hamster.”

Cameron smiled at her. “Ah, the charms of Ms. Twinkie.” His smile faded and he looked at her seriously. “Just let me know how you want me to play it. I can discourage the whole dog thing if you want me to.”

“Thanks.” She flashed him a grateful smile in return. “To tell the truth, I’m not sure if I’m altogether against the idea. I never considered that Matt might get lonely when he’s in the back of the café playing video games and watching television alone while I’m busy in the front. I suddenly feel like I’ve missed something, a loneliness, that he’s been feeling and I haven’t realized.”

“Mary,” Cameron reached across the table and covered her hand with his. Electric shocks zinged through her at his touch. So warm, so comforting, his big hand smothered hers with gentle care. “Mary, you’re a great mom, and Matt is a great kid and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about anything where he’s concerned.” He pulled his hand from hers and she was stunned by how much she wanted him to touch her again.

At that moment Matt came bounding back to the table and the conversation turned to what kind of ice cream went with which kind of cake.

“Chunky cherry ice cream and chocolate cake,” Mary said.

“My favorite is rocky road ice cream over vanilla cake,” Cameron replied.

Matt shrugged and grinned. “I just like cake and ice cream.”

After the meal was finished they returned to Cameron’s kitchen where he presented Matt with a cake big enough to feed a small army.

“Wow,” Matt exclaimed, his attention torn between the cake holding his name in fancy red icing script and Twinkie who pawed at his leg in an effort to wind up in his arms. “Not now, Twinkie, we have to let Mom decide if you’re going to come home with us.” He slid a pleading look to Mary.

“I’m still thinking,” Mary replied, her brow furrowed as if in deep thought.

“And I’ve heard that women always think better with chocolate,” Cameron said as he slid a piece of chocolate cake before her.

“Maybe you better have two big pieces,” Matt said to his mother, making both Mary and Cameron laugh.

When they finished with the cake and ice cream, Matt and Twinkie went into the living room to play and Cameron and Mary lingered over coffee.

“Are you sure you’re really ready to part with Twinkie?” she asked.

He smiled. “She’s definitely a charmer and I’ve grown attached to her, but that dog needs a boy, not somebody like me who is almost never home. Are you sure you’re ready to take on a Twinkie?”

She laughed. “No, I’m not at all sure.” She looked into the living room where Matt lay on his back on the floor, Twinkie on his chest like a wrestling victor. “But Matt seems crazy about her.”

“I’ll tell you what, Twinkie comes with a return policy. If things don’t work out with Matt and Twinkie you can return the dog here and I’ll try to make other arrangements.”

“That’s very nice.”

He leaned forward slightly, just enough that she could smell his woodsy cologne. “I’ve been trying to tell you for the past eight years that I’m a very nice man, Mary.”

His eyes were soft and more green than brown. The kitchen suddenly felt very small with too little oxygen to sustain breath. She jumped up from the table and carried her cake dish to the sink. “We need to get home. It’s getting late. How long will it take you to get together all Twinkie’s things?”

“About three minutes.” He got up from the table. “I’ll be right back.”

True to his words, about three minutes later there were several bags next to the door along with a four-poster bed. “Don’t let the bed fool you,” he said to an ecstatic Matt who had, minutes before, told Mary she was the best mom in the entire universe. “She won’t sleep in it. She likes to sleep in a people bed, curled up against their feet.”

“Awesome, my feet always get cold during the night,” Matt replied.

Mary grinned at her son. “You’ve never complained of cold feet before. Why don’t you get this stuff loaded into the car and we’ll head home. It’s getting late.”

Matt quickly pulled on his jacket and headed out the front door, a bag filled with dog food and dishes in one hand, the four-poster bed in the other.

“You’ve made this a birthday for him to remember,” Mary said as she turned to face Cameron.

“You’re the one who agreed to Twinkie,” he replied. “But I will say this, I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed a day as much as this one.”

“It has been nice,” Mary replied, afraid of where this conversation might lead. Would he ask her out again? Part of her wanted to believe that she could at least spend some alone, quality time with Cameron without putting herself at risk, but the other, bigger part of her was so afraid. She’d been so afraid for so long.

Before he could say anything more, Matt returned. As he picked up Twinkie, Mary grabbed what appeared to be a bagful of Twinkie’s clothing. With thanks and goodbyes, within minutes she and Matt were in the car and headed back to the café.

“This has been the most awesome birthday ever,” he said, cuddling Twinkie close in his arms.

“You’ll only take her outside through the back door, never through the café. You’re responsible for seeing that she goes outside at least four times a day.”

“I know, I know, Mom. She’s my responsibility and don’t you worry about a thing, I’ll take care of her. You won’t have to do anything except maybe love her just a little bit.” Twinkie barked, her big brown eyes focused on her.

Mary smiled. “Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll fall in love with the mutt. I won’t be able to help myself.”

The entire drive back Matt talked about three things, how awesome Cameron and his mother were, how great the day had been and how much he already loved his new dog.

It was almost closing time when they finally pulled into the café lot and parked. Few cars remained at this time of night and Mary realized she was exhausted as she got out of the car.

Spending time with Cameron had been heavenly, but she’d been tense, on guard off and on during the whole time. Now she was just ready to close up the café, get Matt settled in with his new little friend and go to bed.

Rusty stood behind the counter as they walked in. One of his bushy eyebrows raised when he saw the dog that Matt carried. “Must have been some birthday celebration,” he said. “I was wondering what happened to Twinkie with Dorothy gone and all.”

“Now you know,” Mary said. She looked at her son. “Take Twinkie to the back and get him all settled in.”

Matt didn’t need to be asked twice. He disappeared into their living quarters with the dog tucked safely in one arm and the bag with food and dishes slung over the other.

“How’d things go here?” Mary asked as she set the little dog bed on the floor and placed the bag with clothing on top of the counter.

“Busy afternoon and evening, but everything ran smoothly,” Rusty replied. He nodded toward two couples seated at a four-topper. “Once they’re finished, I’ll shut down the place. You go on back and relax. I’ve got things under control here.”

“Thanks, Rusty.” She smiled at him gratefully. He was the one person she’d depended on throughout the last five years and he’d never let her down.

He’d shown up at the café one spring day driving a rusted-out pickup and looking for a job as a cook. He definitely appeared to be a man down on his luck and Mary had decided to give him a chance. It was one of the best decisions she’d ever made when it came to the café. Rusty might look like a boxer, but he cooked like a well-trained chef.

“Before you go, this came in the mail today.” He reached beneath the counter and held up a box. “It’s addressed to Matt. I figured it’s a birthday present for him.”

“Thanks, I’ll take it back to him and I’ll just say good-night.” She grabbed everything and carried it back to her living room. She set the brown box on their small kitchen table and then took the little doggie four-poster and the clothes to Matt’s room where he was playing with Twinkie in the middle of his bed.

“You have a package on the table,” she said as she placed the little doggie bed next to his. “Probably one of your friends sent you a present.”

“Awesome.” Matt bounded off the bed, Twinkie at his heels and went to the table where the package awaited. Wrapped in plain brown paper, the postmark was Grady Gulch and the return address was the café. Maybe one of the waitresses had sent it, Mary thought.

Matt tore the paper off the box and then ripped the tape and opened the lid and frowned.

“What is it?” Mary asked, moving closer.

His frown deepened into a touch of confusion. “It’s a stuffed animal.” He reached inside and pulled out a stuffed green frog wearing a small gold crown.

Mary’s heart plummeted to the floor as she stared at the frog...the exact frog that her husband had brought to her in the hospital on the day that Matt had been born.

Gonna take more than a stuffed frog to turn that kid into a prince, he said, his eyes gleaming with a proprietarily light that had nothing to do with pride and made her slightly sick to her stomach.

But he was dead. She’d seen to that. So, who else had known about the frog? A shiver raised the tiny hairs on her arms and waltzed up her spine with agonizing ice.

“There’s no card or anything,” Matt said, pulling her back from the terror that threatened to consume her. “It’s nice that somebody thought of my birthday, but it’s a little bit babyish.”

“You’re right, you’re a little old for stuffed animals,” Mary said, grateful her voice betrayed none of her inner turmoil. “Why don’t we put it on the top shelf in your closet and maybe at school on Monday some friend will tell you it came from him.”

“Sounds good,” Matt replied and then stifled a yawn. “I think I’ll take Twinkie out for a fast walk and then maybe we’ll go to bed.”

“How about we both take Twinkie outside,” Mary suggested, suddenly afraid to let Matt out of her sight. They hooked a small leash onto Twinkie’s jeweled collar and left by the back door that led to the four cabins behind the café.

As she watched her son and the tiny dog walking the area, her head whirled with possibilities and suppositions. They all led back to the same time and place of terror.

The anniversary card...the prince frog...the dead waitresses...somehow they were all tied together. She knew with a horrifying certainty that they were all linked to her.

She could pack their things, take the money from the cash register, the stash she kept in her closet and they could disappear. She’d done it before, she could do it again...go far away and start all over.

A new town...a new name...an aura of safety.

She watched Matt through a veil of sudden tears, his laughter at Twinkie’s antics like a dagger through her heart. The last time she’d run away, she’d easily uprooted a two-year-old.

This time she’d be tearing an eleven-year-old from his school, his friends and the only home he’d ever known for the uncertainty of a life on the run. She couldn’t do it again. She loved Matt too much to pick up and run. Her sins had finally caught up with her and she realized she was tired of running, and besides, Matt deserved more than that kind of a life.

She quickly swiped the tears from her eyes as Matt and Twinkie came bounding back to her. “All done,” Matt said proudly, like a new parent. He picked up Twinkie in his arms. “And now I think we’re ready for bed.”

It took a half an hour for Matt to take a shower and change into his pajamas. While he was doing that Mary sat on the edge of his bed and played with the little Chihuahua mix who had already stolen her son’s heart.

A little over an hour later Mary stood in Matt’s doorway, watching him sleep with Twinkie curled up at his feet. Grief ripped through her, crushing her heart and twisting her insides like a well-wrung washrag.

Maybe the frog really had come from a school friend of Matt’s. Or maybe one of the waitresses had left it for him, finding the frog silly and cute and thinking of him as Mary’s little prince.

She tried to cling to that tiny ray of hope but it could find no purchase in her cold, frightened heart.

She knew the truth. Somebody had found her. Somehow her past had finally caught up with her.

Tomorrow was Sunday and Matt had a playdate at Jimmy’s house. Even though Sundays were busy in the café, at the moment business was the last thing on her mind.

Tomorrow she’d call Cameron and tell him the truth about herself, about her past. It would be one of the most difficult things she’d ever done, but she knew now that it had to be done.

Tomorrow life as she knew it would end, and she stifled a sob with the back of her hand as she worried that, once she spoke with Cameron, once she spilled her secrets, she’d never see her son again.