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chapter 14



Cat comes less than five minutes later. I don’t even need to tell her where I am because she already knows. She gets me like that—inside and out—like I’m that crossword puzzle everyone knows the answer to. She pulls up in front of the cemetery in her red truck, jumps out, and runs over to me. The sun has almost fully set now, and the sky is a mixture of gray and orangey-yellow. It has started drizzling a little, and Cat throws on her hood as she rushes, head down, over to me.

I’ve stopped crying now, and I’m left fingering Mom’s name on the inscription, Rose Mary Rider, until my thumb starts bleeding from rubbing it so much. Her mom named her that—Rose Mary. Like a rosemary, Mom said, which was the same flower her father gave to her mom the night he proposed, and the same one Mom gave to Dad on their wedding day.

I don’t meet Cat’s gaze as she stumbles over to me, crouches down at my side, and looks into my eyes. “Hey,” she whispers slowly. Rain trickles down my face, washing away the tears and the screams and the pain. I just stare miserably at the gravestone, my shirt wet and clinging to my stomach and my hands shaking vaguely. “You okay?” Cat asks.

“No,” I whisper. “I… I dunno. I’m just… lost.”

She shifts closer. It’s only a tiny, tiny movement, but I can’t help but notice how her body creeps closer to mine. We’re only an inch apart now, so close I can reach and touch her if I wanted to.

And I do want to.

“It’s okay,” she whispers.

“Is it?”

“Yes, West, of course it’s okay. You have me, remember that. I’m here for you.”

I shake my head. My eyes are still trained on the tombstone. “Even now?”

She places her hand on my shoulder, and her warmth sends a series of jolts throughout my body. I don’t want her to stop, either. “Even now. I’m always here for you, West,” she says quietly. “Always. No matter what.”

My heart seriously skips a beat.

I’m always here for you. No matter what.

I’m not sure why, but her words keep echoing throughout my head. She’s here for me. By my side. Hand on my shoulder. Thigh touching my thigh.

I want her.

I need her.

I… love her?

I can’t find the words to respond, though, and the silence seems to stretch on for an eternity. More rain comes down, a little harder now, streaming down both Cat’s face and my face. “Remember,” she says after a minute, her voice soft, and then she smiles to herself. “Remember when we were kids and we decided we were going to revolt against our teachers. So we planned to round up all of the other kids, supply them with orange juice weapons, and stage an attack?”

The smile grows. “Yeah. I remember.”

She inches closer again, and I can feel her warmth, smell her vanilla scent wrap around me. I feel safe with her, like we’re in our little world again, like nothing can hurt us when we’re with each other. “It was a terrible, terrible plan,” Cat continues, “and it’s no wonder the op failed as soon as the lunch lady yelled at us for taking the orange juice grenades, but you know what I loved about it?” Finally, I turn to her. Rain streams down her face, wetting her red hair and dripping down her cheeks and off of her chin. I feel it on me too, all over now. I watch Cat’s eyes on my shirt, her lips moving with every word. “I loved it,” she whispers, “because I was with you.”

There’s a single moment that follows where neither of us speaks a word, just listen to the sound of the rain and lock eyes with each other. For the longest, most beautiful instant, we just stare. Unmoving. Unsmiling. Rain pouring down us—only with each other.

Then, without thinking, I reach out and push her wet hair to the side like I did so many nights ago, so I can see more of her beautiful face. And I’m right: it is beautiful. Heat creeps into Cat’s features, and she drops her gaze back to her lap, looking so completely shy and vulnerable. “I know it’s going to be okay,” she continues, “because I still have you.”

Then, ever so slowly, she places her left hand on my cheek. I don’t flinch, don’t even tear my gaze from hers. Her hand is warm at the touch, and I shiver a little bit as her skin brushes mine, but I don’t tell her to stop, don’t push her hand away. Weirdly, I don’t want to push her hand away.

“I’m glad you came,” I say quietly. “I… was an idiot, through all of this. I shouldn’t have done that to you. You’ve always been there for me and the one time I should’ve been there for you, I wasn’t.” I move my face toward hers ever so slightly, close enough to feel her minty breath, to catch the rain streaming down between us. I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

The sky is all gray now, and the rain is coming down hard. My white shirt is so wet I know she can see my stomach, the outline of my chest, and for some reason, I don’t even care. I want her to see. I want her to move closer. I want...

What do I want? Her? Her touch? Her lips? She’s my best friend. I’m not supposed to feel like this, but I do. Is this what Cat was talking about? Am I really falling in love with her, like she is falling in love with me?

A flicker of a smile crosses Cat’s lips, but it’s gone before I can figure out what it means. “You were an idiot,” she says, and laughs a little. “But that’s what I expect from teenage boys, I guess. You’re all idiots on the outside.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever.”

“It’s the truth! Meanwhile, girls are fantastic.”

“Indeed. Anything with breasts is fantastic.”

Cat laughs. “Oh my god, West. Did you really just say that?! Jesus, you are so freaking weird…”

“And adorable?”

She shoots me a look. “Possibly.”

I toss my hair, feigning confidence even though I feel so empty inside. “Red Velvet, I’m like a puppy. Lovable, fun, and entirely adorable.”

She shakes her head, suppressing another laugh. “Anyway. You may be an idiot teenaged boy. But,” she says, and drops her voice to a whisper, “on the inside, you are the most amazing, most resilient and carefree spirit I have ever met.”

My heart races all over again. She says it so simply, so bluntly yet honestly, that I know she means it.

“And you,” I whisper back, “are the strongest, coolest girl I’ve ever met, and the fact that you can deal with me, a*shole-dom and all, and still see the goodness in me, means you are more clever, more intelligent, more beautiful of a spirit than anyone I have ever met.”

Even more rain comes down, and another instant follows where we both look at each other, really look at each other, and wait. And wonder. I am consciously aware of her hand still on my face, of the rain running down my chin to her fingers, then off to the ground. The pattering sounds seem to fade, though, like background noise or something. My ears starting ringing and it’s just the two of us, in our own little world, in our own little connection.

Then Cat tilts her mouth just a fraction of an inch to the side, a movement so subtle I almost miss it. But I don’t. I focus on her lips now, on the rainwater slipping, so slowly, off of them, and before I know it, my lips are tilted too.

I lean in without thinking, slowly at first, hesitantly. She follows my lead, and in that instant our mouths are so close and still so far away, jerking forward a little and then back all over again. I hesitate there, not sure what to do, not sure whether to go through with this no matter how badly my heart and head and the rest of my body want it. I take a small breath, but it’s enough to send a shiver of anticipation racing up my spine. In a rush, I move even closer until our lips hover only millimeters away from each other’s. I close my eyes, my heart pounding, my skin all hot and cold and soaked from the rain, and I realize it would be so easy to press my lips to hers.

But I don’t.

Before I know what’s happening, I pull back just slightly, my hands shaking all over. For the longest time our lips hover there, begging to connect for real this time with the force of seventeen years of waiting, but I won’t let them.

I pull away altogether.

When I do, Cat looks at me oddly, sad and understanding at the same time. I lock eyes with her and whisper, “Not now.”

Then I stand up, and leave her alone in the pouring rain.