chapter Ten
Time went on. Abby created a new routine—nearly the complete opposite of what she had grown used to prior to her friends’ deaths. There was no Rumor. There was no Hayley. It was an empty routine, composed of various meaningless interactions.
Many times a day, she found her thoughts turning to Logan, despite her attempts to separate him from her life. She wondered where he was and what he was doing. She wondered if he felt the same emptiness inside him that she felt inside her, growing deeper and deeper on a daily basis.
A small part of her wished him to be just as unhappy as she was—but she knew it was only a selfish desire. She really did want him to find happiness, whatever it took. If it was a new love he required, she hoped he would find it. He deserved that much.
She wondered, if he did find someone new, would he be happy? Would he be able to forget how strong their connection had been?
Or would he feel the same as she did, knowing her relationship was nothing more than a lifeless shell in comparison to what they’d had?
Her thoughts would often shift to her own future at this point, and she would contemplate her own impending happiness, attempting to convince herself that she could have it with Eric. He was a good man—he could give his wife a life to be dreamed about. A nice house, a comfortable living, luxurious vacations…
Anything but a family, anyway.
Because, even if he said that someday he wanted one, she knew he was lying. He was only trying to placate her. Only trying to give her something to hold on to, something to hope for. It wasn’t his fault, really. She knew what she was getting herself into, and she was going along with it.
Something inside her was convinced that, if Logan wasn’t going to be in her life, then it wouldn’t be such a disappointment not to have a family either. Whenever she closed her eyes and pictured her future children, there wasn’t a single one that didn’t have his dark disheveled hair or his intense gray eyes. She imagined little boys with his devilish grin and little girls with his perfect smile.
Being with Logan had reminded her of everything that she had once hoped for. And without him, she felt as if her dreams had gone too. The future was something not to look forward to, but to simply survive.
Whenever she began to think like this, she would scold herself. She had gone through the same thing the first time she and Logan had broken up. She knew exactly what it was that she suffered from—she’d dealt with it before, she could do it again. Getting over a broken heart had been difficult, but it hadn’t been impossible.
Of course, it had helped to have Hayley. Hayley, who had routinely called and forced Abby out of bed. Who had, day after day, encouraged Abby to breathe.
And now she had no one. Sure, she had other friends—but none who had known her as well as Hayley, Blake, or Logan.
She had asked one of her bridesmaids to be her maid of honor. Jenny had grown up with she and Hayley, as had most of the girls in the wedding. They had never been all that close, but Jenny had been the only one not to turn her back on Hayley after she’d married Blake. That was enough for Abby.
The months had passed, the wedding quickly approaching. Abby found herself concentrating more and more on the details so as to distract herself from the reality surrounding her. It was almost torturous, she thought, having so much free time to try and waste away. So much time to sit and think, to ponder the possibilities, to imagine different realities. No matter how many trips to the caterers and dress fittings she scheduled, there was never enough to do.
Abby sighed heavily as she stood in front of the mirror, Jenny standing behind her, pulling the zipper upward. It was to be the final fitting before the wedding, which was taking place in less than a couple short weeks.
“Whoa, Abby—have you been doing some enhancement exercises?” Jenny exclaimed and Abby stirred herself to the present.
“No—what—”
“Well, whatever you’ve been doing, I want in on it. Look at those things!” And for the first time, Abby actually looked in the mirror. She almost laughed—Jenny was right. The dress felt a bit tighter than it had the last time she’d tried it on and she had definitely developed cleavage that she hadn’t previously had.
“It’s probably just the bra—I got something with a little push-up.” Abby did giggle then, covering her mouth with her hand. “I didn’t think I’d get this much, though.”
“Well, remind me to get the info from you. Sean would just die.” Sean was Jenny’s husband—they’d been married nearly a year now. “Should we have it taken out a bit?”
“Does it look bad?” Abby watched as Jenny’s eyes roamed over her reflection.
“Well, I don’t think so. I mean, isn’t the wedding a bit more on the conservative side, though?” Jenny had a point. “You could just try a different bra.” Abby considered it for several long moments, staring at her reflection.
“No, it’ll be fine.” Abby decided, shaking her head. She could already see the look in Eric’s eyes when he saw her—of course he wouldn’t approve. But she heard Hayley’s voice in her mind, telling her that it shouldn’t matter what she wore down the aisle. Abby thought she looked lovely—a little stiff, but still beautiful.
“Good—I think it’ll add a little bit of flare to this event. Give ‘em something to talk about.” It sounded like something Hayley might say. Abby smiled sadly at the woman standing behind her.
“Thank you for doing this, Jenny,” she said quietly.
“Of course, Abby. I know I’m no Hayley—but I’m honored that you would ask me to—” The woman broke off, unsure of how to finish her sentence. “Hayley was something special, that’s all.”
“You’re a good friend.”
“I’m glad you think so,” Jenny replied, smiling brightly. “I’m gonna be a jealous friend when the time comes to watch you walk down that aisle. You’re going to be absolutely stunning.”
“It’s just a dress.” She said, turning her eyes back to her reflection. She looked more like a princess than she’d ever hoped to look—lost amidst the fluff and frills of the dress. It was just a dress, she repeated to herself. In her mind, an alternate reality flashed—she wore something elegant but simple, flowers in her hair. She would be marrying outside, a thick woods nearby. Her reception would take place right there beneath the shelter of the trees—a casual affair. Not quite as casual as Hayley’s had been, but some sort of balance between the two.
But her reality was a striking contrast. She would marry in a church, surrounded by people she barely even acquainted with. Afterward, she would continue on to some lush country-club for some extravagant sit-down dinner. Everything was completely coordinated, narrowed down to a schedule.
She sighed, looking away from her reflection. Speaking of schedules…she had one to keep. This had been the last stop for the night, but she still had to go home and prepare dinner for Eric and pack up his bags to take him to the airport. “I think this will do,” Abby spoke at last, turning to the seamstress who stood further back, giving the girl and her friend time to talk amongst themselves.
“You’ll look stunning, dear.” Abby only nodded. She’d heard it so many times now, she was certain it was a line everyone fed to the bride—whether there was truth to it or not. “Would you like to take it home tonight?” Abby thought about it for a moment.
“Actually, I’ll be in the area tomorrow—I can just stop by and get it then. My fiancé will be out of town for the next several days, so I won’t have to worry about him snooping around.”
“You won’t see him before the wedding?” Abby shook her head.
“He’s leaving for a business trip tonight. Won’t be home until just a day or so before the wedding.” She wondered if she should be as relieved about this as she seemed to be. Shouldn’t a bride be saddened by the thought of not seeing her groom? But—no, to her, it was almost a relief. She could, for at least a short period of time, allow the façade to fall. She could let her guard down. She didn’t have to pretend to be a happy bride-to-be.
“Well, all the more reason he’ll find you radiant the day of your wedding.” Abby forced a smile, stepping down off the pedestal and allowing the seamstress to help her out of the dress.
“I’m going to take off, Abby. Remember, I’m just a phone call away if you need the company.” Abby smiled at her friend, nodding her head. Jenny really was a good friend.
She took care of a few of the last minute details before exiting the building and making her way to the car. As soon as she sat down, she was suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion. She hesitated a moment, resting her head on the steering wheel, breathing deeply. She’d tired so easily for the last couple of months—she wondered if carrying on as she was—putting on such a show—was draining her.
Another reason to be grateful for the break. It was exactly what she needed.
Of course, she still had many things to tend to in his absence. She had last minute details to cover with all of her vendors, arrangements to be made, conversations to be had. Not to mention her own appointments. She had plenty to keep her busy. But she wouldn’t have to lay awake at night, pretending to sleep, as Eric lay next to her.
She knew he was growing frustrated with her sudden chastity. It had been months since they’d been intimate—since even before the accident. But ever since she’d come home…even the idea of kissing Eric was too much. She was sure he’d put it off as part of her grief—and he was a gentleman, so he would never push her for something she wasn’t ready for. But she knew her time was running out.
With a heavy sigh, Abby sat back in her seat and started the engine of the car, easing out into traffic.
Just one more night—that’s all she had to get through. One more night.
~*~
It was hard to believe that already a week had gone by. Abby lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, her stomach turning. Of course she would get sick just before the wedding. Why not throw one last task to be endured at her?
She sighed, rising to a sitting position and tossing the blankets aside.
She had too much to do today to let some bug keep her down. She would simply take a package of crackers around with her everywhere she went until the nausea subsided.
It really was a busy day. First, she had her annual check-up with her gynecologist—which was certain to take awhile, as the woman always seemed to be running behind. Then she had appointments with the caterers and another with the church. She was supposed to pick up the tuxes on the way home and then make arrangements for each of the men to pick them up afterward.
The wedding was, at this point, only days away. Tomorrow she was meant to spend a day with her bridesmaids—a luxurious day at the spa, a final dress rehearsal before the wedding. The rehearsal dinner would be the day after that—the day that Eric arrived home. And then…after that, the wedding itself.
She was eager for it all to be over with. All of the uncertainties clouded her mind—all she wanted was for the decision to be made, for everything to be official, so that she could go on with her life. There would be no going back after this. No thoughts of Logan. No hopes for a future with him. It would be done and over with.
The shower relaxed her tensed muscles, working through the knots. She remained as long as she could before finally turning the water off and readying herself for the day ahead of her.
It wasn’t long before she was sitting in the waiting room, flipping through the latest issue of Rumor. She was satisfied to note that Ingrid was no longer the Editor in Chief. It had been quite the scandal, she had discovered upon returning home. The higher-ups were rather displeased with Ingrid’s work—specifically on the issue that had come out just after Hayley and Blake’s death. That was the first issue that Ingrid had been forced to work on herself.
It was a long wait, just as Abby had predicted. But finally her name was called and she followed a woman dressed in scrubs to the back. She stepped on the scale and watched the numbers climb a bit higher than she was used to. “Nothing to be alarmed about, sweetie.” The woman told her, probably noting the weight change from her last year’s visit.
“I’ve been pretty stressed out the last few months,” Abby added, as if this might explain it. They entered the exam room and Abby perched herself against the table.
“Well, stress can do all sorts of things to a woman’s body. Have you noticed any irregularities in your cycle?” she asked. Abby thought about it for the first time in months, her forehead creasing.
“I actually haven’t had one in a couple of months.” She noted, her head swimming just a little bit. How could she have not noticed missing her period?
The other woman looked up. “Maybe we should draw some blood—just as a precaution.”
“Not a problem,” Abby responded, still distracted. The woman left the room for a moment and returned with a vile. She tried not to watch as the woman stuck her with the needle. “Stress can cause women to miss periods, can’t it?”
“Oh yes—you’d be amazed at everything stress can do.” She finished with the blood. “I’m going to have you give us a urine sample too—just typical procedure, to rule out anything else.” Abby nodded, following the woman’s directions. When she returned to the exam room, she felt her cheeks beginning to flare. “The doctor will be right in to see you, dear.”
Of course, the doctor wasn’t right in to see her. Abby sat in the ridiculous paper gown going over all of the details in her mind—again, wondering how she could have not noticed a couple of missed periods. She hadn’t always had the most reliable schedule, but she had never really missed one.
She thought about the exhaustion. The nausea. She heard Jenny’s comment from last week, about her sudden growth in cleavage.
But it wasn’t possible!
Even as she thought it, though—she knew it was. She remembered the feel of his lips on hers, his hands on her body.
And instantly, the image of a child with thick dark curls and bright gray eyes conjured in her mind.
Logan.
It was only a matter of minutes before her thoughts were confirmed. The doctor entered the room, a bright smile on her face. “Well Miss Lewis—it looks like your fiancé and yourself have gotten a jump-start on beginning your family! You’re expecting!”
The room swam slightly, happiness spreading through Abby as she realized what was going on.
She was pregnant.
And it was, without a doubt, Logan’s child.
She felt her eyes flood with tears as she reached down and touched her stomach, a gentle bubble of laughter escaping her lips.
She was going to have a baby.
“Do you have any idea about how far along you might be?” The doctor asked.
“Around…maybe three months?”
“That’s a good place to start—why don’t we do an ultrasound? Just lay back here, and we’ll find out some dates for you.”
The gel was surprisingly warm as the doctor pressed the ultrasound wand to her stomach and began to move it around. Within moments, a loud, rhythmic heartbeat filled the room and Abby smiled wider as she stared at the monitor.
And then, just like that—there it was.
Her baby.
“There we go. Looks like you’re right on target—you’re just about eleven weeks along.” Abby stared at the image, her heart already filled with an unconditional devotion.
She was having Logan’s child.
Again, she thought of that night—the way they had given into passion completely, without hesitation. And she longed for him now, wishing that he could be here to share this moment with her.
“Why don’t I print out a few of these for you?”
“That would be great,” Abby told her, nodding dumbly.
They discussed her medical history, making sure there was no cause for concern, and her future prenatal care, but Abby could hardly even pay attention. Her mind was spinning so fast she could hardly keep up with it.
Long after the appointment was over, Abby found herself sitting behind the wheel of her car, unsure of what to do with herself.
Everything had changed.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, trying to figure out what to do next.
She knew she should call Logan. She knew she should tell him—that he had every right to know what was going on. Whether he wanted to be involved or not—he at least deserved to know what was happening.
She remembered the day of the funeral, when he had told her that he didn’t see children in his future. “Things change.” He’d told her.
What if he wanted nothing to do with the child?
She could understand. She had left him without so much as looking back, although not a day went by that she didn’t wonder what would have happened if she had stayed. What if he couldn’t forgive her?
Still, she owed it to him—and to her child—to at least give him the opportunity to be involved.
Her breathing picked up as she stared at the phone, her heart pounding as she contemplated making the call.
But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
What would she even say to him? “Oh, hey, Logan. I stole your number out of Hayley’s phone book—and it’s a good thing I did, because I’m pregnant, and you’re going to be a father!”
Right. That would go over well.
And what about Eric?
She was meant to be married in less than three days. Married to a man who didn’t want children—who definitely didn’t want children now.
Wasn’t it an easy decision to make?