He frowns. “I’m serious, Rebecca.”
Jake wanted to know about me, too, that first time he took me out, right after we wrapped the first episode of season two. He was my co-star on About the House, and even though I knew his reputation, I thought maybe he’d changed over the hiatus. He certainly convinced me that he had, talking about the power of rehab and finding his “center”. For a southern Methodist girl like me, some of his New Age talk didn’t really make much sense, but I was just so bowled over by his charisma. And he had it in spades.
“I’ve heard that question before.”
“You suggesting it’s a line?” For the first time since I’ve met Michael Warner, I’m glimpsing a slight temper.
Despite myself, I smile. “No, just that it’s not a line that will work on me. If it is a line, I mean.”
“Rebecca, I’ve told you the way it is with me. And I don’t confess those things to just anyone.”
“Why me?” I ask, really wondering. Thinking of Trevor’s suspicious take on my new friendship.
Maybe he’ll say because he’s been waiting for a girl like me. Or that it’s been a long time since anyone made him feel this way. I wait, breath held tight inside my lungs, time literally suspended until he finally answers.
“’Cause I know you’ve been through things, too. But you’re still smiling. And beautiful. I want to understand how you do that.”
Oh, God. He could’ve said anything else, but now he’s got me. In the palm of his hand, like a baby bird just fallen out of its nest. I’m vulnerable, naked. I can only hope he’s gentle.
“Can we wait to talk about my past?” I ask, knowing I’ll go anywhere he leads me now.
“Of course.”
“It’s just, well, it was three years ago last week that this—” I hesitate, then point to my face,“—happened. My attack. I’ve been feeling kind of freaky about it.”
“Anniversaries are tough,” he answers knowingly, and it makes me wonder exactly when Alex died. “They make you feel like you’re in a time warp.”
“Or like it’s going to happen all over again,” I add, and this clearly hits home, because he nods his head dramatically.
“Yeah, and if I had to go through it all again,” he agrees, “it’d probably kill me.”
I think of the nine slashes of Ben McAllister’s knife. If I had to live through those again, would he aim any better? Or would one or two more targeted thrusts finish me off next time?
“That’s why it’s the past, Michael,” I answer, shivering as I think of Ben languishing in Chino. Thank God he’s locked away for the rest of my life and his. “Because it’s done with.”
“Reckon so,” he agrees, and then we both just look away. We look away because the platitudes don’t work for either of us. We both know that I’m saying what we want to believe, because like some terrible Chinese riddle, the fact is that the past isn’t in the past at all. It’s vital and breathing and a little bit ravenous, and no matter what else we’ve lost, it’s the one thing we can never truly lose.
Chapter Six: Michael
I’ve dreaded this day for weeks, maybe even months. Now that it’s here, though, it doesn’t seem to pack the power that I feared it would. No, today’s just an average, unremarkable Saturday. Muggy and hot for late May, with a hazy morning sun that’s already making me sweat, but it’s bizarre how absurdly normal everything feels. Normal, if Andrea and I weren’t driving to Grandma Richardson’s to visit the family gravesite and mark the first anniversary of Alex’s death. And if I weren’t seeing his sister, Laurel, for the first time since we laid him in the ground. There’s been lots of water under our bridge since then, Laurel’s and mine, and none of it good.
Weird to think that it was early morning just like this when Alex stopped into the kitchen on his way out to work and said to me one last time, “Baby, I love you.”
What made him turn back that way? Andrea was already in the car, his briefcase was slung over his shoulder, and then just like that, he stopped. We said the words often enough between ourselves, though not usually with him halfway out the door. He made such a point of me hearing that last time; he wanted me to know. For the rest of my life, I’ll see the smile he gave me as he turned away.