Olivia lets out a shuddering breath, and I pull her even closer, rubbing a palm over her back. I want to tell her that in the big scheme of things, this is nothing. That she’ll get over it, that Ethan’s already over it, but I know that to her this is big. I let her continue.
“I went to Michael’s house…up to his room, thinking he wanted to talk about this girl, Casey, who he’d kind of been seeing. Since he’d never had a serious girlfriend, I figured he was just getting cold feet, or whatever.”
She’s quiet for a moment.
“But he didn’t want to talk about Casey,” I say, helping her along.
She shakes her head. “No. He was acting weird from the second I got there. Michael and I have always been so comfortable together. Or so I thought. But he was jumpy. He would alternate between not meeting my eyes and then looking at me too long and too hard, as though he was searching for something.”
God help me, I’m actually feeling sorry for the poor guy. I’m all too aware of what it’s like to be helplessly drawn to this girl, even though you know you should be staying far, far away from her.
“I didn’t see it coming,” she continues, giving a little shake of her head. “One second I was yammering about how excited I was about the internship I’d just applied for, and the next second he’s grabbing my hands, his face just inches from mine, and he’s telling me that he can’t do it anymore. That Ethan’s his best friend, but he can’t do it. That he can’t see me with Ethan without me knowing…”
She breaks off.
“He told you he loved you?” I say.
She nods before lifting her head to look me in the eye. “Then he kissed me. And I didn’t push him away. I let him kiss me.”
The agony on her face is clear, and I want to tell her not to talk about it anymore, but I know she needs to get it off her chest. Very gently I put my palms on either side of her face. “Why? Did you love him back?”
Please say no.
“No,” she whispers, her tongue slipping nervously to wet her lips. “But as for why, I’ve asked myself that a million times, and I think…I think I kissed him because I knew it was a way out. Ethan and I were getting more and more serious every day, and he was the only guy I’d ever been with, and everyone, myself included, acted like we were going to be engaged at any moment, and I just—”
“You didn’t want that.”
“No,” she says with an outward breath. “I thought I did. I wanted to want it. I loved Ethan so much. But somewhere, deep inside of me, something was off. Things were really good, but I wanted more.”
“And more was Michael?”
Her face contorts. “No. I knew as soon as his lips touched mine that that wasn’t right either, but then I kissed him back, harder, wanting to feel something, anything. It didn’t go…I mean, I didn’t sleep with him. Not even close. But neither was it just a simple kiss in which I pushed him away and slapped his cheek. I kept trying to lose myself in the kiss, so it got kind of intense, and then Ethan walked in.”
I don’t have to ask what happened after that.
“I never thought I could be that girl,” she continues. “The one who cheats on her boyfriend with his best friend. But now I realize nobody plans on that, you know? It’s not something that anybody sets out to do, like, ‘You know, I think I’m going to be like that slutty character in the movies that everybody hates.’ You always imagine that you’re going to be the good girl everybody roots for. You imagine that right up until the very second when you’re not the good girl.”
My palms are still on her face, and now I hook my thumbs gently under her jaw, tilting her up so she has to look at me.
“You’re still good, Olivia,” I say quietly. “You made a mistake. A big, shitty one, definitely. Yes, you betrayed Ethan. And yeah, maybe you used Michael. But the fact that you’ve been killing yourself over it shows that that’s not who you are. It was a one-time mistake. You’ll make more mistakes in the future, but you won’t make that one. You’ll learn from it and move on.”