"I've been tracking them," he said.
"You've been spying on me?" Tracking down my apartment and showing up was one thing. Following me, tracking me like one of Aston's men was something entirely different. I didn't need another man who thought he owned me. My body stiffened, and I tried to step away from him, but he held me tight.
"Not like that," he said, his eyes blazing. "I was trying to keep you safe. I am trying to protect you, despite everything you're doing to try to prevent that from happening."
"If you were caught, do you know what would happen?" I felt panicked, my breath shallow. I was going to hyperventilate.
"Tell me," Hammer said, holding me tight. "Let me help."
"It's not me." I choked the words out, hardly daring to say it.
I felt Hammer's palms on my arms, his chest close to my back. My heart began to race, my breath short, a mixture of anticipation and trepidation at what I was about to say. It felt overwhelming, the magnitude of everything.
"Why are you with Aston?" he asked.
"It's - " I started. "There's just too much to explain. It's not for the reasons you think, though."
"You don't know what I think, Meia," he said.
"And you don't know anything about me, Hammer." I couldn't do this. I couldn't let him get involved with someone like me. It wasn't good for him, and it wasn't good for me. Not with what I had to do. There was too much of a chance I would feel something for Hammer, and I had to keep that shut down. No more attachments, I told myself. Nothing that might get in the way. Nothing that would leave anyone else gutted when I was killed.
I had already been on the receiving end of that with my sister. With my son, when he was ripped from my arms. I had been left in the aftermath, and I couldn't do it to someone else.
"I know you feel something. There's something between us, Meia. I know that much. You feel it too."
Yes, I felt it. I felt the nearly irresistible pull toward him, a force more powerful than I was. It was the kind of thing that only ended one way...destruction. "You don't know all the things I've done."
Hammer spun me around, his hands clasping my arms, and I tried to step away, but he held me there, his touch gentle but firm. He looked at me, his expression a mixture of lust and sadness. "Meia," he said. He kissed the top of my forehead, the feeling of his lips lingering as he withdrew, then kissed my temple, and my cheek, tilting my chin up toward him until my lips were nearly touching his. "The things I've done...people would think I was a monster."
"You did what you had to do for your family," I whispered. "You had to get payback for what happened."
"And whatever you've done, whoever you are," he said. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Whatever the reason you're with Aston, you don't have to stay."
His lips were so close to mine I could nearly taste him. Despite everything screaming in my head, telling me to walk away, I wanted him. I had never wanted anyone, and to want someone like this, now, it was incomprehensible to me.
"I'll ruin you. People who are close to me, they die. They -" I couldn't say any more. But I could feel my resolve beginning to melt away, replaced by the desire for him that clouded my thoughts.
"Too late," Hammer said. "You've already ruined me." He touched his lips to mine, softly like before, and I felt my entire body on fire, charged with electricity. My lips parted, barely, and I thought, I should go, before he gets hurt. Before I get hurt.
But before I could think, his tongue found mine, and I felt my body respond in a way it never had before, not with anyone. I let out an involuntary moan, and I heard him make a noise in his throat, guttural, primal sounding, as his hands trailed down my back, pressing me against him. My nipples hardened against the fabric of my bra, and I felt myself melt into him. I pulled at his shirt, slipped my hands underneath, wanting to feel his skin. I wanted him naked. I wanted all of him. I didn't understand it, and I wasn't sure I could explain it. I'd never wanted someone like this before.
"Meia." He practically growled it, his mouth close to my ear, his hot breath sending shivers up my spine. I felt his hardness pressed against me, and I had a sudden pang of panic, this overwhelming sense of fear that he was like everyone else, every other man I'd been with who had used me.
I couldn't do this.
My body, tensed, and he felt it immediately, pulling away from me, looking into my eyes.
"I - Hammer, I'm not - Sex hasn't ever been something I liked or - "
His brow furrowed and I realized he was struggling to understand. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"It's not - I've never enjoyed it -" I was choking on my words, unable to say what I wanted to say, to let him know who I was. "I don't know what it's like to have sex with someone I don't hate."