“But we could stable it someplace outside the city," MacKenzie said. “I'll take care of a horse. On the weekends, we can go out and you can watch me ride."
Martina, MacKenzie’s nanny, shook her head, tsk-tsking under her breath. “Mr. Holder, I can already see that look in your eyes. Who is going to take care of a horse? You work some weekends too." She snapped the ends off green beans and dropped them in a bowl. “I do not think this is a good idea.”
I looked at MacKenzie. “Martina has a point. Maybe we could start with something smaller, like a fish."
“Fish are not the same at all," MacKenzie said.
"No, they aren't," I agreed. "But you have to start small to learn responsibility. A horse is a major responsibility. More even than a puppy. We can't just buy a horse and then abandon it if you don't like doing all the things that come with taking care of it."
“Aww,” MacKenzie whined. “Come on.”
"Something smaller first," I said. "We can't just go get a horse. Besides, what will happen to a horse when you go back to visit grandma for the summer?"
"You'll take care of it," MacKenzie said. "Or Martina will."
Martina pulled a pan of lasagna from the oven. “I take care of children, not animals, I’m afraid. Besides, I won't stay during the summer when you go back to visit your grandmother. I have my own grandchildren I'll be visiting when they're out of school." Martina turned to me. “Are you sure you don’t have time to eat? You need to take care of yourself, Mr. Holder.”
“It smells good, Martina. And I’m really tempted. But I’m going to be late for work if I’m not careful.”
“Who’s going to keep you company when I’m gone?” MacKenzie asked. “You’re going to be all alone.”
"What are you talking about, MacKenzie?" I squatted down in front of her. "Where is this coming from, talking about when you're gone? The summer is a long way away."
MacKenzie shrugged, averted her gaze. "I don't know," she said.
I put my hands on her arms. "I promise I'll think about a horse," I said. "But we only just moved here and got settled in. I know you've been having a hard time adjusting to Vegas, and it might seem like getting a horse will make everything easier, but I don't know that it will. We need to get adjusted before we think about anything like that."
MacKenzie sighed. "I don't want you to be sad again."
Shit.
That was the last fucking thing MacKenzie needed to worry about, at her age. After all the shit she had already had to deal with, with losing her mom.
I squatted down in front of her, my face close to hers. “MacKenzie,” I said. “You don’t need to worry about your old man. The summer is a long way off, and I'll be just fine here when you're visiting grandma. Horse or no horse."
"Are you sure you're going to be okay when I'm gone?" she asked.
"Kiddo, I am going to miss you like crazy. But I’m going to be just fine,” I lied. I didn't want to think about her leaving for the summer. It hurt to think about it, her going back to Puerto Rico, but I knew she missed her grandmother immensely. I knew she was having a hard time adjusting. We'd started seeing a therapist, and the therapist said it was normal to have difficulty, but that MacKenzie was exhibiting signs of depression.
I made a mental note to ask the therapist if she thought the horse would help her. I'd do whatever it took to help her adjust. Hell, if I needed to buy a horse to do it, I'd buy that kid a horse. She'd been through too much already.
And then, on top of all the shit that had happened, to have her mention that she was worried about me and whether or not I'd be okay next summer...that just killed me. It wasn't right. It sure as shit wasn't normal that a kid would have to be worried about whether or not her dad was okay.
"Enough worrying about your old man, kid,” I said. “I miss your mom like crazy, and I know you do too. But I’m not sad like I was before. Okay? You don’t have to worry about me.”
I kept my voice calm, bright.
Reassuring.
At least I hoped I sounded more assured than I felt.
Because, the truth was, I sure as shit didn't feel calm or bright. Things weren't the same without April. For MacKenzie or for me.
I looked up to see Martina studying me carefully, her lips pursed and her brow furrowed. She obviously wasn’t sure about me either. I couldn’t exactly blame her. I tried to keep shit together, but I think sometimes she saw through the cracks in the facade.
“Okay, dad,” MacKenzie said. “We can talk about a horse later. Can I watch TV now?"
I smiled. Conversation over. Crisis averted.
“After your homework is done,” I said. “For an hour.”
“My homework is totally done already! So I can watch TV, right?” She raced toward the living room without waiting for a response.
“No!” I yelled, as I turned to leave. “Martina will check your homework first!”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Holder, I’ve got her,” Martina said.
“Thank you, Martina,” I said. “This shouldn’t take that long anyway.” I called out to MacKenzie as I walked into the garage. “Love you, Mac!”