She is my responsibility.
I steeled myself for whatever was about to happen next. The men who stood in front of us, dressed in camouflage pants and boots, dark tank tops, reminded me of the military, the ones who destroyed our villages. I did not like this at all.
Whatever this was, it did not involve cleaning.
They shouted commands to each other in another language. It had to be Thai, but I didn’t understand it. Lily looked up at me, fearful, and whispered, “Are you scared?”
I shook my head, mute, and squeezed her hand. But I was scared.
I watched them call out orders, walking down the group of mostly women and children. The handful of men who were there had been taken away first. Then the young boys were selected out, moved to another group right away, hauled off somewhere else. I wondered where they were going. All that were left were women and girls.
That fact made me even more unsettled. Maybe we were all going to clean houses. But I doubted it. I had heard stories of what the military did in our villages, what they did to the women, to the children, when they came through. How they hurt them, used them and then left them for dead.
These men made me think of the military. I didn’t like anything about them.
I watched them as they walked down the group, calling out words as they looked over each person. It was like they were rating them, deciding their value or something. Like we were at a market. Except we were the product.
Then the man stopped at Lily and I, looked us over. He put his fingers under my chin, tilted my head up, then gripping my jaw, moved my face side to side. Then he said something to one of the other men. He did the same to Lily, and she began crying.
The man laughed, pointed to her, said something else in Thai. I pulled Lily close to my side, trying to reassure her. Trying to get her to stop crying.
“Lily, hush,” I said, my voice quiet.
Then he gripped her arm, pulling her forward. I cried out, wouldn’t let go of her. But he wasn’t trying to take her away from me. He was pointing us both somewhere.
He directed us toward a man standing in front of several of the other girls. The prettiest girls in the group, I realized.
That realization struck fear into my heart. They would not select the prettiest girls for cleaning.
That moment was the beginning of the end.
We were brought to a walled building, like a palace, bigger than anything I’d ever seen. It was in the middle of a city, like nothing I’d ever experienced before, the noises so loud I could barely think - cars passing, men peddling carts carrying passengers. The air smelled of food being cooked in the open, but underneath that, the stale scent of urine lingered.
Inside, one of the other girls who had been there longer, a girl from Karin state, just like us, spoke to us in hushed tones. She knew Thai - English, too.
“They call this place a finishing school,” she whispered. “They will teach you things.”
“What kind of things?” I asked. I gripped Lily’s hand, looking down at her. I feared for her.
“You will see,” she said.
“How long have you been here?”
She shrugged. “A long time.”
“Have they hurt you?” I asked, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
She looked away. “You must do as they say,” she said. “If you do not, the men will take you away. They will take her away.”
“But what is going to happen to us?” I asked. “What do they do with us?”
“No one knows,” she said. “Not exactly. There are rumors of what happens to us after we leave this place. Rumors that say this place is only the beginning. That there are worse places than these.”
“What rumors?” I asked. “Please, tell me.”
“You will be here for a long time,” she said. “They will teach you...things. Some of the girls, they teach them everything. How to...be with a man. Some of the girls, they do not touch...down there. Only everywhere else.”
I shook my head. It was not possible. Not for me. Not for Lily. She was only a small child. “No,” I whispered. “This cannot be true.”
She looked at me, and behind her eyes I saw nothing. It was blank. “You must take yourself away when it happens,” she said. “In your mind. It is the only way you can keep yourself safe.”