I miss you so much.
The last one he deleted, but he had typed it and almost sent it. He knew it would do nothing but cause her to push him away even more, but it was true. He craved her touch, her kisses, her eyes, her body, her mouth, everything… he needed her. It didn’t matter what he did, who he fucked, he just couldn’t come. He wasn’t a Miley Cyrus fan by a landslide, but it was easy to say her song, “Wrecking Ball” was on repeat on his iPod because Reese had wrecked him.
And it was killing him.
He just couldn’t wrap his brain around it. Did he not matter? Was he not enough and if so, why? He fucked her good. He could make her body sing for him, and he knew that she cared for him. Was it all lies? Was it all in his head? Did he crave her love so much he started imaging it? Would he never be enough? Ugh, he was so tired of thinking of this; he was so tired of doubting himself. He was a great-looking guy, could fuck a girl any way she wanted, and damn it, he was the best damn hockey player in the league. He was a catch! So why couldn’t a woman fucking love him? He wasn’t good enough for his mom, he wasn’t good enough for his first love, and now he wasn’t good enough for Reese. He knew he could find a girl and she would make him believe he was enough, but he wanted it to be real.
He fucking wanted Reese.
With a groan, he let his head fall back, hoping that Erik would think it was because he died in Call of Duty and not that he was emotionally fucked up over a girl. This was the first time this had happened in ten years and did Reese care? No, mostly because she didn’t know, but if she did, he knew she still wouldn’t care. He was usually a rush-the-goal kind of guy, but he didn’t know how to win this game. He didn’t know how to make Reese his.
This was that ballerina’s fault! Phillip wanted nothing more than to find the asshole that broke her and kill him, but what would that do? He doubted it would help, so instead, he drank a little more than he should, tried to have sex with girls that did nothing for him, and played video games with his best friend.
Pathetic.
Erik threw his controller down and leaned back into the couch. “Okay, want to tell me what’s up? You’ve been off for the last two weeks. The huffing and puffing you are doing is annoying. Also, you’ve been sucking on the ice.”
“Fuck you, I have not!” Phillip yelled, causing his buddy, Dimitri, to look up at him with wide eyes from his playpen. “Sorry bud.”
“Yes, you have. You completely missed the goal last game.”
He did, but he would never admit that. “Did not, someone tipped it.”
“No one was around you.”
“Ugh, fuck you, shut up,” he growled, but then saw that Dimitri was still watching him. “Sorry bud.”
Erik chuckled beside him before saying, “Reese has you in knots, huh?”
He let out a breath as he slowly nodded his head. He really didn’t want to talk about this, but it was Erik. Erik knew everything. They both came from shit ass parents, bad home lives, and had actually made something of themselves. While Erik let his childhood ruin him for most his life, until he allowed himself to love Piper, Phillip did the opposite. He learned from everything. He worked hard to never end up like his dead-beat dad, and fucked-up mom. He was going to succeed. He was going to be happy. Even though he lost his first love, he didn’t let it ruin him. He knew it had happened for a reason. He knew that she, Alana, wasn’t the one, because she allowed her father to make the decision for them, and he was fine with that. Got over her quickly but even then, he didn’t feel the way he did now.
He just felt empty now.
It was scary and with a nod, he said, “Yeah. She broke off what little we had. She had apparently been screwing other people while with me.”