I almost sprint into Lexi’s room, not too exasperated to notice how much more lavishly furnished it is than my own, but too panicked – and definitely too incommunicative – to worry about it. I walk in circles, humming and making sounds with my voice as if making the right one will stop it from feeling like I’m inhaling gravel.
“Are you trying to look as ridiculous as you sound?” Lexi says, standing to the side watching me. “Sit down.”
I sit on the lounge chair by the window, though I continue to tap my heels and clutch at my throat anxiously.
“Look,” Lexi says, grabbing her hotel key from the desk beside me, “stay here, and stop forcing it. I’m going to go get a doctor, alright?”
“Yes,” I say, and it sounds like a creaky door.
Ten minutes of frantic knee-tapping later Lexi returns followed by a sharply-dressed bald guy that looks kinda familiar. She taps him on the shoulder and nods toward me.
“Hi, Haley,” he says, a note of awkwardness in his voice. “Let me take a look at you.”
I sit still as he kneels in front of me and puts his hands on the side of my head.
“Open your mouth…now stick your tongue out…now say ‘ah…’”
He gazes into my mouth for a few seconds, adjusting the view by tilting my head a few times, then looks toward Lexi, who gives him a stern stare. He stands up, breathes deeply, and licks his lips. I can tell by his face that it’s not good, but I have no idea how not good it is until he says the exact words I’m dreading.
“It’s bad. Really bad. You’ve been singing a lot, and it’s wreaking havoc on your vocal cords,” he says, exchanging a nervous look with Lexi. “You need a lot of rest, hot tea, no singing and no speaking. A couple of days at least.”
“But the gig tonight!” I say, my will to plead with him forcing the words through. “It’s the last show of the tour! It’s New York!”
“Haley, listen to me,” Lexi says, putting a hand on my shoulder and crouching beside me. “I’ve known singers who pushed themselves through things like this and did irreparable damage to themselves. You don’t wanna do this to yourself. Even if it is New York.”
“It’s just a sore throat!” I say, looking up at the doctor for a positive sign. Though I’m still croaking and squeaking randomly, I manage to get the words out. “Look, it’s already starting to go away.”
“I wouldn’t advise you to perform…” the doctor says feebly. Lexi nods him away angrily then turns her attention back to me.
“It’s shitty, I know. But you can’t put your entire career on the line. You’ve gotta put yourself first. And there will be other shows. New York isn’t going anywhere any time soon—I promise.”
I shake my head, tears that I didn’t realize were there falling from my eyes. “Not like this! This is what it’s all been building up to! Where’s Brando?”
Lexi snorts. “Where he always is when you need him: Not here.”
“I can’t do it,” I say, still shaking my head, my voice broken by both the sobs and croaks. “I can’t let everyone down. My band. The crew. The fans. I can’t do it. I won’t.”
“Come here,” Lexi says, putting her arms around me and pulling my head against her soft chest. “You’re a fucking star now, Haley. Start acting like one. It’s not them that got this far, it’s you. You’re paying their bills – remember that. Take care of yourself first, and they’ll always follow.”
She pulls away, her hands still on my shoulders, and we look at each other. She wipes the streaks from my cheeks and I laugh.
“I’ve got to admit,” I say, looking into my lap, “I never thought you could be this nice.”
Lexi smiles with her angular lips. “I wasn’t always a bitch, you know. But this business has a habit of bringing out the worst in you. If you survive.”
“Thanks,” I mumble.
“I know I didn’t make it easy for you, this tour, but you’re going to have to deal with a lot worse than me in the future. I’m impressed though. You came a long way.”
Her kind words only make me feel even more defeated, and my lower lip trembles. “It wasn’t easy. And this isn’t the way I imagined it ending. How am I going to tell everyone?”
“You’re not,” Lexi replies, picking up her phone and tapping out a message. “Let me take care of that. Just do what the doctor said and get some rest. It’s not your job to handle the small stuff. It’s your job to get better.”
I shake my head again as the realization that I won’t be playing finally sinks in.
“I feel so bad about this,” I say to myself.
Lexi looks up from her phone, her expression sympathetic. “I’ve been through worse than this, trust me. It’s not the end, remember that. You know, you kinda remind me of myself – in a funny kind of way. Tough, hard-working, dealing with a lot of shit…”
“Does that mean I’ll end up in a latex dress?” I smile.
Lexi’s face hardens, the pointed lines of her face getting sharper. She gives me a cold look that feels like taking a knife in the neck. I feel my muscles tighten, my spine tingle, my body bracing itself for something violent.