Matt moved up the bed and took me in his arms. “Keep going.”
“It was a Tuesday when he died, just a boring old Tuesday. He was lucid in the morning. We had moved his hospital bed onto the back patio so he could look out on the water. A hospice worker was there. We wrapped ourselves in blankets and watched the waves crashing down as Dan took his last breaths. Ash cried for a few minutes, and that was it. It was over. I never saw her cry about it again.”
“And you?”
“Well, you know me. I’m pretty much a blubbering mess all the time.”
“You didn’t used to be.”
“I know,” I said quietly.
“Matt brushed my hair back and wiped tears from my cheeks. “Why didn’t you have more children?”
“We thought we might, but then Dan got sick and it just didn’t make sense. Ash would have been such a good big sister.”
“Yes, she would be,” he said drowsily.
We fell asleep in the early-morning hours. I got a text from Tati around eleven saying that she and Ash were going to lunch and then she would be taking her home. I quietly snuck out of Matt’s and made sure I was home before Ash got there.
Neither of us texted or called for days after that.
25. Come Back to Me
Grace
Over the next week, Ash got into the habit of making plans with her dad and not telling me. When I would scold her for it, she would say, “Parents are supposed to communicate with each other. Even nonmarried ones.”
That was Ash, always being the grown-up.
I knew Matt and I couldn’t go on like this, conflicted and torn. We deserved more from each other, but I wasn’t sure if either of us was ready.
Finally, one afternoon, Matt came by to pick up Ash. I answered the door and invited him in. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching me as I dried the dishes.
“How are you?” he asked, a little formally but not uncomfortably.
“Good. I’ve been practicing with the Philharmonic after school. I might be sitting in for their cellist, actually, but I would have to leave for two weeks in the summer. I’m not sure if I want to leave Ash behind for that long.”
“That’s fantastic, Grace. I could take Ash; maybe we could plan a trip to California for then.”
Ash called down from upstairs, “Give me five minutes, Dad!”
“Okay,” he called back.
“Where are you guys off to?” I asked without looking up.
“We’re going to the Met and then dinner.”
I glanced at the clock; it was five fifteen. “You’ll never make it up there before it closes.”
“They’re open till nine on Fridays.”
“Oh, that’s right.” I suddenly realized we were having the most normal conversation we’d ever had: just two people discussing the quotidian details of our lives.
Ash came into the kitchen wearing a crop top, and my eyes bugged out. “Excuse me, do you have a sweater to go with that?”
Ash rolled her eyes.
“That eye-rolling business has to stop. Your mom just asked you a question,” Matt said sharply.
Whoa. I hadn’t had that kind of backup in a long time.
“I know, Dad, I just . . .”
“Nope. Go upstairs and get a sweater.”
Ash huffed and left the room. Matt and I stared at each other for a few seconds before he walked over to me. “You look different. You seem happier.”
I hadn’t realized it before, but I think he was right. “Yeah, maybe.”
“You’re welcome to come with us, if you want.”
“That’s okay. I have some papers to grade.”
He looked at me steadily for a couple of beats and then shrugged. “All right, see ya.” He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, as if he had done it a million times before.
Once Ash came down the stairs, I followed them out of the front door and watched as they walked toward the subway. They were laughing . . . and it sounded like music. A part of me wanted to join them, but another part told me to stay. As much as I loved seeing Matt, and as much as I loved spending that night at his apartment, the endless rejections over the years—and the way he had taken the news about Ash—had scarred me so thoroughly that it was hard to believe he was there with us, like I had always wanted.
I never really doubted his love for me, but it scared me that he was keeping a safe distance. I needed to protect myself.
WE BEGAN SPLITTING our weekends up. Ash would go to Matt’s on either Fridays or Saturdays, and we alternated Sundays.
The New York Philharmonic officially offered me the cellist seat for two weeks, so I spent my time away from Ash practicing the music and preparing for my two-week trip abroad.