He sang the words softly and flawlessly. I marveled at him, so young and beautiful, sitting shirtless and barefoot, with undeterred focus. When he was finished, he strummed one last time and looked up at me. At that point I was a blubbering fool. His smile was a pitying, sad kind of smile, reserved only for when a person knows there’s nothing that can be said to make things right. He was leaving. And I couldn’t stop him.
In a shaky voice, I told him how beautiful his playing was and I asked how he learned the song. He told me that Brandon would sometimes hang out at the PhotoHut, so he had asked if Brandon would teach it to him. He’d practiced it over and over for me since the Jeff Buckley concert so I’d finally get to hear it live.
18. We Were in Love
Grace
The last weeks of the semester passed by, and with them came more pressure from Tati and Dan to join the orchestra. I always said no.
They were set to leave for their first stop in France in early August, so at least I had Tati for part of the summer. Matt would be leaving in the beginning of June, right after graduation.
One day, while eating sandwiches near the fountain in Washington Square Park, Tati said to me, “If Matt stays in South America longer than the summer, you should join the tour.”
“First of all, he’s not gonna stay down there longer than three months. And second, I’m going to grad school and that’s the reason I’m not joining the tour. You know that.”
“How are you gonna pay for it?”
“I’m staying at Senior House for the summer for cheap while I get some paying gigs.”
“Dan said we’re going to be making good money. You could always save up and go to grad school later.”
“No, I can’t. I can’t just leave and go cruising around Europe with you guys for a year and a half. Why do you always bring this up?”
“Calm down, Grace. Shit, you always get bent out of shape over this. You can mess up your life for a guy all you want to,” she mumbled.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and walked away.
She came running after me so I gave her a little piece of my mind. “You think I’m bent out of shape? Because I don’t want to run away and join Dan’s circus? May I remind you that you couldn’t stand him before? And since when do you call him Dan?”
“I’m sorry Matt is leaving and that you’re going to be miserable.”
“That’s not it at all.” Though that was totally it.
“Dan really cares for you. For all of us. He bought that picture Matt took because he knew you guys needed the money.”
“What?” I stared at her in shock, my emotions spinning out of control. “Why do you want to hurt me when you know I’m already hurting so badly?”
“I don’t. I just want you to do the right thing for you, not for you and Matt. It sounds like he’s doing what’s right for him.”
We were standing at the entrance to the subway. “I gotta go, Tati.” I ran down the stairs and took the next train that arrived, riding around for hours to clear my head.
By late afternoon I was sitting in front of Orvin’s closed shop, wishing I could talk to him, when Dan passed by.
“Grace, Orvin’s is closed on Sundays,” Dan said.
“Yeah, I realize that.”
He was staring down at me with his kind smile. “Can I sit?”
“Sure.”
“Something you want to talk about?”
“No.”
“Have you been practicing?”
“Of course.” The last thing I needed was Dan with his Professor hat on. I turned and looked at him pointedly. “Why’d you buy that photo?”
He didn’t miss a beat. “Because I liked it.”
“That had to have been the highest price paid for a piece of student artwork. Ever. In the history of college artwork.”
“Honestly, Grace, you know I’m a straight shooter. It’s a beautiful photograph and I think Matt’s work will be worth something someday.”
“You didn’t buy it because you knew we needed the money?”
“Not at all.” Little white lies. “Will you tell me what’s bothering you?”
I shook my head and looked down to his lap, where he was holding a few folded sheets of paper. “Is that new music?”
“No, actually, this is the paperwork to get my last name changed. Believe it or not, I could handle it as a professor, but as a composer and conductor, I need something new.”
“So you’re changing your name? Just like that?”
“Yeah, I even ran the idea by my father, thinking he would be offended, but he told he was happy to have the name end with him. I’m making a small adjustment from Pornsake to Porter.”
“Daniel Porter. That has a nice ring to it.”
“Why thank you, Graceland.”
Hot wind blasted my face from a passing bus. I felt a tinge of nausea and closed my eyes.
“You okay, Grace?”
“I feel like I’m gonna throw up.” And then, just like that, I was heaving the pastrami on rye I’d had in the park with Tati into a nearby trash can.
Dan was rubbing my back and repeating nice things to me. “Get it all out . . . that’s it.”
I stood up straight. “Jesus, that was gross.” I wiped my mouth. “I better get home, I feel like crap.”
“It’ll be okay, Grace. Whatever you’re going through, you’ll figure it out,” he called out to me as I headed toward my dorm.
“Thanks, Professor.” I held up my hand as I walked away.