I wiped my wet cheeks. “Talking to Pete.”
“But”—Taylor held up his hand—“no offense, buddy”—his eyes returned to me—“Pete doesn’t talk.”
I shrugged. “He doesn’t share my secrets, and I don’t ask him why he doesn’t speak.”
Taylor’s demeanor immediately changed. “I don’t share your secrets either. But that was back when you used to tell me everything.”
I hopped down off one of the stainless steel counters lining the wall and waved to Pete before taking Taylor’s hand. “Let’s go back up,” I said, tugging on Taylor’s wrist.
“Have you been crying?” he asked. He hesitated and then let me pull him back through the doors and up the stairs.
I could tell by his mannerisms that he knew something was up.
I shut the door behind us and leaned against it.
“Falyn,” he said, shifting nervously, “is this what I think it is? Because it was just one fucking disagreement. You can’t bail on me after one disagreement. And it wasn’t even a disagreement. It was a … passionate discussion. And last thing you said to me last night was that you were moving to Estes. If you’re going to freak out about it so much that you’re going to dump me, then at least let’s talk about options.”
“I’m not bailing on you,” I said.
His panic was heartbreaking.
“Then what the fuck is going on? Why did you sneak downstairs to talk to Pete at four thirty in the morning?”
I passed him to sit on the couch, using the hair tie around my wrist to pull my hair into a messy bun. “I wasn’t sneaking anywhere. I talk to Pete a lot in the mornings when no one is around.”
“Not when I’m here,” Taylor said, sitting next to me. “What’s going on, Falyn? Talk to me.”
“I need to tell you something.”
He visibly braced himself for whatever I was about to say.
“I can’t have children.”
He waited for a moment, and then his eyes danced around the room. “I … know?”
“If we take this further, if we move in together and then whatever comes next … it will always just be us. I don’t think you truly understand that.”
All of his muscles relaxed. “Goddamn, woman, you scared me.”
“Huh?”
“I thought you were dumping my impatient ass. You were just worried that I wasn’t thinking about you not being able to get pregnant down the road?”
“Yes,” I said, a little annoyed he was being so flippant about it.
He his head back. “I’ve already thought about it, baby. No worries.”
“That right there shows me you haven’t thought this through.”
“There are a million ways for us to try to get pregnant. If none of them work, there’s adoption.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “You don’t get it. I’ve told you. This was supposed to happen. You can’t just screw with the order of things.”
“You don’t really believe that shit … about it being your punishment.”
I barely nodded. It sounded crazy when he said it out loud.
“Baby, don’t you think you’ve been punished enough?”
Tears burned my eyes. Without any idea what to expect or any way to prepare, I’d assumed this would be an emotional conversation one way or another.
“You’re already the best thing to ever happen to me. Stop showing off.”
Taylor pulled me in, holding me tight. He kissed my hair.
“What if I told you I don’t want to adopt?” I asked, glad that I didn’t have to look him in the face.
He hesitated. “I’m … surprised.”
“I know you want kids. I don’t want to take that away from you. I’ve had a lot of time to think about this, and I just can’t. I would be too afraid to try to adopt. I’d worry about so many different things, like who gave the baby up and why. What if one of the family members decided to take the child back? I can’t chance losing a child twice. I just … I can’t.”
“I didn’t think about it that way.”
“I know.”
“I understand. I mean … we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
“This is something we need to address now. You want kids. I can’t get pregnant, and I don’t want to adopt. That’s a big deal. We can’t wait and see, Taylor. Then it will be too late.”
“I want you.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “I want you to think about it for a while.”
“Jesus Christ, Falyn. Do you really think I have to think about it? No. I’m not giving you up. You’re not giving me up.”
My face crumpled, and I shook my head. “That right there tells me you’re not taking this seriously.”
“I hear what you’re offering. My answer is no. If we end up being alone but together, I can think of worse things.”
I sniffed. “This is why moving in together hasn’t felt right. I know better than to let you do this without really thinking it through.”
“But it feels right to bail? Fuck that,” he said, standing. He paced a few times and then came back.
Kneeling in front of me, he tucked his hands behind my lower back and pulled me toward him until my knees were pressing into his bare chest.
He shook his head. “I’m pissed at you for this, and I love you for this. But you have to know that there’s nothing I want more than you.”
“What if you regret it?”
He paled, his face falling. “You said you weren’t bailing. You’re fucking bailing on me. You just want me to be the one to do it.”
“You need to think about this … I mean, really think about it.”
“Why are you really doing this, Falyn? How about you really think about that? It’s getting serious, and alarms are going off. Stop, and think about this for two fucking seconds.”
“We just need a break. If you still feel the same way later …”
“Later? When the fuck is later?”
“Taylor,” I said, watching him get angrier by the second.