“How could you?” I pushed myself away from them, out of their Circle of Sight. I'd seen enough.
“I didn't have a choice. She couldn't let you go.” Amma looked at me, ashamed. “I couldn't either.”
I scrambled to my feet, shaking my head. “It's a lie. She wouldn't do it.” But I knew she would. They both would. It was exactly what they would have done. I knew, because I would've done it, too.
It didn't matter now.
In my whole life, I had never been so angry with Amma, or so disappointed. “You knew the Book wouldn't give anything without taking something in return. You told me that yourself.”
“I know.”
“Lena will have to pay a price for this, because of me. You both will.” My head felt like it was going to split in half, or explode.
A renegade tear caught on Amma's cheek. She put two fingers on her forehead and closed her eyes, Amma's version of making the sign of the cross, a silent prayer. “She's payin’ it right now.”
I couldn't breathe.
Lena's eyes. The stunt at the fair. Running away with John Breed. The words found their way out, even as I tried to hold them in.
“She's going Dark because of me.”
“If Lena's going Dark, it's not because a that Book. The Book made a different kinda trade.” Amma stopped, as if she couldn't bear to tell me the rest.
“What kind of trade?”
“It gave one life but took another. We knew there'd be consequences.” The words caught in her throat. “We just didn't know it would be Melchizedek.”
Macon.
It couldn't be true.
It gave one life but took another. A different kind of trade.
My life for Macon's.
It all made sense. The way Lena had been acting the past few months. The way she had been pulling away from me, from everyone. The way she had been blaming herself for Macon's death.
It was true. She had killed him.
To save me.
I thought about her notebook and the Charmed page I'd found. What had the words said? Amma? Sarafine? Macon? The Book? It was the real story of that night. I remembered the poems written on her wall. Nobody the Dead and Nobody the Living. Two sides of the same coin. Macon and me.
Nothing green can stay. Months ago, I believed she'd gotten the Frost poem wrong. But of course, she hadn't. She was talking about herself.
I thought about how it seemed painful for her to look at me. No wonder she felt guilty. No wonder she ran. I wondered if she could ever stand to look at me again. Lena had done it all because of me. It wasn't her fault.
It was mine.
*
No one said anything. There was no turning back now, not for any of us. What Lena and Amma had done that night couldn't be undone. I shouldn't be here, but I was.
“It's da Order, and you can't stop da Order.” Twyla closed her eyes, as if she could hear something I couldn't.
Amma pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her face. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I'm not sorry we did it. It was the only way.”
“You don't understand. Lena thinks she's going Dark. She ran away with some kind of Dark Caster, or Incubus. She's in danger because of me.”
“Nonsense. That girl did what she had to do because she loves you.”
Arelia collected their offerings from the ground — the bones, the sparrow, the moonstones.
“Nothing can make Lena go Dark, Ethan. She has to choose it.”
“But she thinks she's Dark because she killed Macon. She thinks she's already chosen.”
“But she hasn't,” Liv said. She was standing a few feet away, to give us some privacy.
Link was sitting on an old stone bench, a few steps behind her. “Then we have to find her and tell her.” He didn't act like he just found out that I'd died and been brought back to life. He acted like everything was the same. I went over and sat down on the bench next to Link.
Liv looked over at me. “Are you all right?”
Liv. I couldn't look at her. I'd been jealous and hurt, and I had dragged Liv into the middle of my own broken mess of a life. All because I thought Lena didn't love me anymore. But I was stupid, and I was wrong. Lena loved me so much, she was willing to risk everything to save me.
I had given up on Lena, after she had refused to give up on me. I owed her my life. It was as simple as that.
My fingers touched something carved into the edge of the bench. Words.
IN THE COOL, COOL, COOL
OF THE EVENING
It was the song that was playing at Ravenwood the first night I met Macon. The coincidence was too much, especially for a world with no coincidences. It had to be some kind of sign.
Sign of what? What I had done to Macon? I couldn't even think about how Lena must have felt, realizing she had lost him in my place. What if I had lost my mom that way? Would I have been able to look at Lena alive without seeing my mother dead?
“Just a minute.” I pushed off the bench and took off down the path through the trees, the way we had come. I breathed the night air deep into my lungs, because I could still breathe. When I finally stopped running, I stared up at the stars and the sky.