Barefoot in the Sun (Barefoot Bay)

chapter Twenty-eight

The morning of Pasha’s service, Zoe dressed in white. Because she felt lighter than she had in days, and it was a bajillion degrees outside.

Plus, Pasha would want white. No black, no tears, no agony, no regrets. Oh, there was a hole in Zoe’s heart, no doubt about it. A couple of them, in fact. But she kept stuffing those holes with hope to stop any bleeding, and that seemed to do the trick for now.

Death was final and sad, but so utterly inevitable. No matter how hard Zoe had been trying to stave off the unavoidable consequences of cancer and old age, no matter how she’d begged, borrowed, and stolen extra hours and days, no matter how much she willed Oliver to play God with Pasha’s life, nothing could change what was meant to be.

She was learning to accept that, and she’d gone a few hours without crying each day. Instead, she took solace in certain melodies of the wind, in the sight of a butterfly, and even in a random splatter of tea leaves. Pasha was everywhere, or at least her memory was, and Zoe would stay connected to her forever.

But she would have to go on with her life, different as it might be now.

Last night, Zoe had finally slept in her own bungalow again, trying to think of the little place as her “home.” Could it be? Lacey had said she could live there permanently if Zoe really decided to move to Mimosa Key, work for Sylver Skies, and help build the destination-wedding business.

But, deep inside, Zoe hadn’t decided anything yet. First, she had to gather with her friends on the beach and celebrate the life of a woman who’d left a mark on all of them. Then she’d make a decision about staying or not.

She’d never had the option to make that decision on her own before, and the feeling was more than a little heady. It made her dizzy.

She listened for that voice in her head to bark an order or two, but it had been unusually quiet this week.

Stepping back from the mirror, Zoe checked out her understated sundress and fluffed her hair. Maybe it was too understated. This was Pasha’s funeral, after all. That called for outrageous silver earrings.

Automatically, she went to the door, almost ready to call out to Pasha and ask to borrow some hoops. A now-familiar pain twisted in her chest. That’s what she’d miss: the everyday companionship of her very best friend. Tears threatened, but she blinked them away.

Zoe had other friends, and they wanted her to stay here permanently. For the first time in her life, Zoe was actually considering that, but there were complications.

Complications named Oliver.

He’d left her alone, of course, as she’d expected him to.

But now what?

He’d made it clear the door was open, but did she have what it took to walk through? The pain of losing Pasha was still fresh enough that the idea of taking that chance, of connecting to one more person she might ultimately lose, was still enough to keep her from even thinking about Oliver.

First she had to hold this ceremony for Pasha. For that, Pasha would want her to look good, and that required those giant earrings Pasha loved so much.

Swallowing any trepidation, she walked across the hall into Pasha’s room, entering it for the first time since she’d died. Actually, the first time since Pasha had run off and ended up in the hospital.

Well, she’d have to come in here sometime, right? She couldn’t put it off forever.

The soft scent of talcum lingered in the air, along with an eerie quiet that seemed so unfamiliar. Zoe stood completely still next to the bed and waited for chills or heartache or even a whisper of air over her skin.

But there were no ghosts in this room. No spirits of fortune-tellers. No Pasha. Zoe started to close her eyes against a wave of grief, but just as she did she spotted an envelope.

Zoe frowned at the rectangular paper on the dresser, halfway under Pasha’s jewelry box as if it had been tossed there. Had Pasha left a farewell note?

Now Zoe got chills and heartache.

The letter lay facedown, making Zoe scared to turn it over and see Pasha’s right-leaning distinct handwriting. A letter would make her cry, for sure. A weepy missive from Pasha would wipe away all those solemn oaths about accepting death and being strong and looking forward. Something like that would surely gouge at those holes in her heart, and today, of all days, she wanted those holes firmly shut.

Then she noticed that the paper was yellowed with age, the corners softened like they’d been folded away forever.

Picking up the envelope, she turned it over and stared at the front, at a different handwriting than she’d been expecting, addressed to Ms. Zoe Tamarin.

Holy God, no.

In the upper left corner—oh, no.

Zoe’s legs buckled, forcing her to back up and fall on the bed. She held the letter with trembling hands.

I left a letter in that box anyway. I saw the postman toss the letter in the trash when I left. I wanted to tell you…

This was Oliver’s letter. How long had Pasha held on to this? The answer was in the postmark, of course. Nine years.

Why? Why?

That answer had died with Pasha. A new feeling welled up inside her, rough and raw. Anger. Zoe ran her finger over the back, certain the seal was the original. No one had ever read this letter.

Another wave of anger took hold, different than she’d been feeling as she went through what Jocelyn called her stages of grief. This was pure fury in all its glory.

“How dare you!” she screamed out, slapping the letter on the bed. “How could you not give me this?”

Then Zoe remembered Pasha’s cryptic words as the alarms had been blaring in the hospital room during the chaotic last second of her life.

It was wrong to keep it, but I was scared you’d go back to him and we’d get caught.

Yes, Pasha, it was wrong.

Once again, fear had held Pasha back. And Pasha’s fear had kept Zoe from knowing what Oliver had written in this letter. And fear was keeping Zoe from…everything she wanted.

Don’t…let…fear…stop…you.

Zoe sat straight up at the sound of a voice. It was the first time she’d heard it in days.

Except that it wasn’t an unknown voice; that was Pasha’s voice. A soft, lilting, sweet voice that usually made Zoe feel better. This voice was telling her not to make the same mistakes Pasha had made. This voice was telling her to walk through the door Oliver had opened and not be afraid of whatever life held.

Don’t let fear stop you.

Anger gave way to a soft appreciation. Pasha had done what Pasha thought she had to do. But Zoe did not have to live with those same shackles on her wrists.

Zoe took the letter and pressed it to her heart, then to her lips.

Standing up, she slipped the envelope into the pocket of her skirt, saving it for later.

Less than an hour later, a very small crowd of about a dozen people milled about the beachside patio of Casa Blanca, where Clay and Lacey had set up the chairs for the service. Zoe’s friends were there, along with a few of the townspeople or staff who’d met Pasha while she’d lived in Barefoot Bay, the whole thing as intimate as a small family gathering.

Zoe stayed in the middle, greeting guests, accepting condolences, quietly listening to people share tidbits and vignettes about their interactions with Pasha.

“She read shampoo bubbles when I did her hair,” Gloria Vail said as she stood flanked by her cousin, Grace, and her aunt, Charity, who looked around like she was determined to find someone doing something she could criticize. “Said I’d found true love.”

“You have found true love,” Zoe said. “I could see it all over Slade’s face when I met with him the other day.”

Goria beamed. “How can we thank you enough, Zoe? Closing that case by proving Matthew Hobarth Senior had murdered his son was the best thing that ever happened in his career.”

“He’s in Naples, meeting with his new boss.” Gloria smiled, brushing back her dark hair in a nervous gesture. “He’s so excited about the promotion to the Naples office.”

“He should be,” Zoe said. “Thanks to him, we not only got the DNA sample the FBI needed, we got a confession.”

Next to Grace, Charity snorted. “It wasn’t like Slade muscled it out of the guy using his state-of-the-art interrogation techniques.”

Gloria closed her eyes, fighting for patience. “It doesn’t matter how he got it, Aunt Charity. He got it.”

“On the man’s deathbed while he was getting last rites.” Charity rolled her eyes. “Puhlease.”

“I’m eternally grateful,” Zoe said quickly, pulling Gloria to her with a kind hand. Not only had Slade gotten the DNA evidence to prove Pasha was innocent and her ex was guilty, he’d convinced the FBI to drop any and all charges against Zoe for aiding and abetting a kidnapper and using false identification. She had a clean slate now. At the thought, she added another hug to Gloria. “Your boyfriend is a hero.”

“I know he is,” Gloria said, shooting a look at her aunt. “I couldn’t be more proud of him.”

Tessa signaled Zoe from across the patio. “You ready?” she mouthed.

Zoe nodded and walked to the rail that faced the Gulf. Tessa pressed a button that worked the sound system, and the first strains of an old Romanian folk song played through the speakers. When everyone sat down, Zoe stayed standing and started her short speech.

“Pasha would tell you all that today’s cloudless sky was a sign.” She skimmed the faces of the few guests, lingering for a moment on Tessa, then Jocelyn and Will, who sat with Jocelyn’s father between them. Last, she looked at Ashley, next to Lacey and Clay, who bounced baby Elijah in his arms.

She might be burying the only “family” she’d ever had today, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have family…and a home.

“She’d say it meant clear sailing straight to…” Just then, Oliver stepped onto the patio, with Evan next to him. “Heaven,” she finished.

Everything stopped. Time, her heart, her very next breath. She couldn’t help staring at him, inhaling the sight she’d missed so much the last few days.

He met her gaze, but his only movement was to put a comforting hand on his son’s shoulder, reminding Zoe that Evan had cared for Pasha and he must be devastated, too.

“Today, we’re going to sprinkle Pasha’s ashes in the water of Barefoot Bay and while the tides will carry her from place to place in a way that would please any gypsy, I hope that a piece of her will stay here in our hearts forever.”

She stole another look at Oliver, easily able to read the question in his eyes.

Pasha will stay forever, but will you?

Somehow, she pulled it together and made it through the rest of the service, stepping aside while her friends spoke about Pasha. Then, arm in arm in arm with her three best friends, Zoe walked down to the shore to bid Pasha good-bye. The ashes fluttered in the breeze, then landed on the water, spreading slowly to start Pasha’s next journey.

After that, Zoe felt ready to face Oliver, but he was gone.

The sharp, unexpected pang of disappointment was as powerful as the heartache she’d felt when she’d flung the ashes.

“You okay?” Tessa asked.

“Ready to go in for lunch?” Lacey took her hand and tugged her toward the resort. “We’re christening the new kitchen.”

“I want to walk for a little bit,” she said. “Can you go up with everyone and start? I need a few minutes alone.”

With understanding hugs, they left, and Zoe turned to the private beach that curved for nearly a mile. The solitude beckoned, and she kicked off her shoes and let a brisk walk become a run. The Gulf breeze whipped over her face, drying her tears before they spilled.

Tears that weren’t for Pasha, but for Oliver.

He’d left, of course. She’d made it clear that she didn’t trust herself or her lousy track record, that she couldn’t endure the pain of loss, that she’d never seen what true love looked like up close, so how could she even know how to live that kind of fairy-tale life?

She’d buried him with excuses and lost him, too.

She glanced over her shoulder. She was a good half mile from the resort now, and completely alone. Finally, she dropped down to the sand and reached into her pocket for the letter.

What would have happened if she’d gotten this letter when Oliver had intended her to? What could he have possibly said that would have changed her life? She slipped her finger into the old seal and started to tear.

“Dear Zoe.”

She whipped around at the sound of Oliver’s voice, a gasp on her lips.

“Those are the first two words.”

Unable to speak, she watched him approach, silent until he sat down next to her.

“Want to hear the rest?”

“I thought I’d read it for myself.”

“You can, or I can tell you what it says.” He reached his hand out and waited.

She hesitated, then slipped the envelope between his fingers. “Read it to me.”

“No need. I remember exactly what I wrote.”

“You do? Every word?”

“Every word.” He held it up to the sun, like he was trying to see through it, or offer it up as a sacrifice to the gods of star-crossed lovers.

“Dear Zoe,” he said again.

She smiled. “I got that much.”

He placed two fingers in the middle of the envelope and took a breath. “Imagine my shock and sadness when I found you’d left.”

For a moment, she wasn’t sure if he was reciting the letter or talking. But before she could ask, he tore the envelope…right in half.

“What are you—”

“I cried like a stupid kid,” he said, looking out to the horizon as he spoke. “Just sat in that living room where we’d once played Strip Egyptian Rat Screws and you cheated—”

“I did not!”

“So that I had to play for ten minutes in nothing but socks.”

A half laugh caught in her throat. “It was a good ten minutes,” she whispered. “I dominated that round.”

He turned the two squares of paper sideways and ripped again. “You want to hear the rest?”

“If I’m hearing the real letter. Otherwise…” She looked at the torn pages. “I’m never going to know what it said.”

“This is exactly what it said,” he assured her, clearing his throat to recite again. “After I realized you weren’t coming back, I started a search for you. A search I doubt will ever end.”

The sound of tearing paper—and of breaking hearts—punctuated that sentence. Nope. She’d never know what was in that letter now.

“And?”

He took another breath, still looking at the water. “Zoe, I want you to know that unless you come back, I’m going to make a life-changing decision that you might not understand or agree with. But I know it’s the right decision, at least I hope so.”

“The decision to marry Adele and be a father to Evan?” she asked.

He nodded.

“It was the right decision,” she whispered.

“I’m making this decision with full knowledge that I currently do and probably will always love you.” He had the letter in very small pieces now, his fingers still. “And I believe that, even though you never told me, you love me, too.”

“I did.” I do.

“And no matter that everyone and everything is against us…” He turned his head to look at her. “We are meant to be together.”

“We are.” The words came out in a hoarse whisper, caught in a sob.

“Forever.” Once last time, he tore what was left of the letter, the pieces no bigger than an inch by now. “So if you ever find it in your heart to come back to me, Zoe, I will change my life in whatever way is necessary to make you the biggest, best, and most wonderful part of it.”

Was this Oliver’s letter of yesterday or Oliver’s heart of today speaking to her? She didn’t ask because she was lost in his eyes.

“Many things will change in our lives,” he continued, “but one thing will never ever change. I’ll make mistakes that I can’t fix and so will you, but through it all, Zoe Tamarin, I will love you. I love you now and forever. If there is any way you’ll spend your life with me, I want you to know I am yours. Always.”

“Always?”

“Love, Oliver.”

He opened his hand and twenty tiny pieces of paper fluttered into the wind, like those ashes she’d just released. Zoe reached for one and snagged it, glancing at the white square and the three words it captured:

life-changing decision

And another, fluttering next to her foot, that said come back to me.

“So you didn’t make that up? That’s really what the letter said?”

“It is.”

“Why wouldn’t you let me read it?”

“Because I wanted to say it to you.”

She watched one more piece picked up on a breeze float on the wind, like she loved to do. “Why couldn’t I keep it?”

“It’s history, honey.” He touched her chin and turned her face toward his. “You can’t be a prisoner of history when it’s time to look forward and start a new life.”

New life. “That’s why Pasha gave me the name Zoe. It means new life.”

He leaned forward to kiss her. “Zoe Bradbury. You know what that means?”

A little thrill danced from her scalp to her toes. “It means new life…with the man I love.”

He kissed her so tenderly the tears threatened again.

“Was that all that was in the letter?” she asked.

“P.S.” He cupped her jaw and held her face. “I bought some land in Barefoot Bay and I’m going to build a house. Would you marry me and make that our home forever?”

Our home forever.

Chills washed over her skin like certainty over her heart. She closed her eyes as his mouth touched hers. “Yes.” When they broke the kiss, she searched his face for the truth. “Did the letter really say all that?”

He eased her back on the sand, blocking the sun with another kiss. “Every word except the P.S.”

“That was the best letter I never read.”

“And you’re the best woman I never seem to be able to pin down.”

“You’re doing a pretty good job right now.”

He smiled, satisfied, and kissed her again. “You want to go up and share the good news with all your friends?”

“You know what I want to do?” She caressed his cheek and brought him closer.

“Hmm?”

“I want to stay right here. I want to…stay.”