I can’t speak. All I can think right now is Bennett, Declan, and Pike. I haven’t had sex with Pike in over a month, but nine weeks ago, I was having sex with all three of them. God, I’m a sick human being, carrying a baby that could belong to any one of them.
“I’m showing October tenth for a due date,” she tells me, and then she presses a button and a loud woosh woosh woosh woosh comes through the speakers at a rapid rate.
“What’s that?”
“Your baby’s heartbeat.”
“Oh my God,” I whisper again. A heartbeat? It’s so real. So alive. Hearing that fast heartbeat inside of me is almost too much as I lie here, trying not to completely lose it.
“Good and strong,” she says before turning the sound off and when it disappears, I close my eyes and replay the soothing sound in my head. How is this happening?
When she’s done, I sit up and cover myself back up with the gown while she prints me off a few photos and hands them to me, saying a happy, “Congratulations.”
But knowing my situation, and knowing what Dr. Leemont said about me being high-risk, there’s nothing to be congratulating me about. She hands me the pictures, and both she and the doctor step out of the room so that I can get dressed, but I don’t. I just sit here and look down at one of the pictures, a picture that shows a top view: head, belly, and four nubs. A weird laugh slips out through my tears when I compare the baby to a marshmallow.
My hand goes to my belly. I wouldn’t even believe it if I didn’t just see it with my own two eyes.
A baby. My baby.
I never thought I wanted one. Never thought it was even a possibility. But now that I have one, I don’t know how I feel because I’m feeling so much. I’m scared and ashamed, but under that, I feel an overwhelming sense of protectiveness for it. Never have I had anything that was solely mine, and knowing what a fucked up world this is, I’m comforted by the fact that this baby is safe inside of me.
After I’m dressed and have made my next appointment, I head outside. As soon as the cold air hits me, I’m scared to resume my life—resume the lies.
A baby.
What does this mean for me? Will it even survive to see a moment of this world? Do I want it to? The questions multiply as I stand here on the sidewalk, people moving about, cabs honking their horns, life. The wind kicks up and I begin to cry, exposing myself to these strangers around me, but nobody stops to notice. Turmoil is a dark cloud that finds its home over me right now.
I leave my car and walk. I don’t know where I’m going, but I need to move. Time passes as I wander the streets of the loop, all the while, crying. Do I tell Bennett? Is this something I can hide from him? If he knew, he’d assume it was his. What if it is? God, I can’t have him in my life. But could I kill him? The father of our baby?
Yes. I could. I’d have to because the thought of having to share this with him makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of having to look at his face, the thought of giving him a baby, giving him happiness and joy, it’s all sickening.
I desperately need someone to help me. To come and hold me, tell me it’s going to be okay. Someone to take care of me, hold my hand, and take away all my anguish. I’m sick of always feeling so alone.
I step off the curb and start crossing the street when I hear a horn blasting. I startle and jerk my head around to see through my blurred vision, a car, heading straight towards me, and I freeze.
“NINA!” a man’s voice screams in a panic.
I close my eyes, more tears falling down my cheeks when something crashes into me. I’m no longer on my feet, I’m being carried, and when I finally touch the ground, I know I’m safe by the smell.
Declan.
“Are you okay?” he asks as I open my eyes to look up at him and then at my surroundings. I’m in the lobby of his hotel.
“What happened?” I whisper as I look out of the glass doors to see the street, busy with cars.
“I was in my office when I happened to see you walking. I went outside to catch you when you stepped out into oncoming traffic. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I don’t . . .” my voice trembles, and then, like a porcelain doll falling to its death, I shatter. Falling into his arms, the sobs begin ripping out of me.
He quickly scoops me off my feet, cradling me in his arms, as he rushes me out of the lobby and into the elevator. He doesn’t say anything as I cry against him with my arms clinging around his neck. He holds me like a child and it comforts me in a way only he can do, whispering, “Shhh, baby. I’ve got you,” softly in my ear.