“Because you’re not what I want, Hawk. You aren’t good enough for me to change my plans,” she said as coldly as she could manage.
That did the trick a little bit better than she wanted it to. Releasing her quickly, he took a step back, his expression blank as he gazed down at her, making her stomach clench with both remorse and hating that she’d just been so cruel. She instantly wanted to take the words back.
“Hawk . . .”
“Save it. I think you’ve said all you need to say.” Hawk turned and left her standing there. Natalie wanted to run, wanted to flee the station as quickly as she could, but she was in the middle of a field trip.
She reminded herself that she’d been through far worse times than this, and she’d most likely go through far worse in the future. Squaring her shoulders, she took a breath and walked to the lounge where she found the other teachers and the students as they asked questions and gobbled down goodies.
She did just fine until they got ready to leave and her eyes met Hawk’s. Trying desperately not to show weakness, she turned away, but feared it was too late. If he’d seen the tears in her eyes, he would know she was a liar. She just hoped he hadn’t, because if he came to her again, she knew she wouldn’t have the strength to turn him down a second time.
chapter 13
Emptying the box of the last tissue, Natalie blew her nose and decided enough was enough. She’d cried for days and it was insane. She wasn’t the kind of girl to lay around crying over a guy.
She barely knew the man for goodness’ sake. A few hot kisses, a couple of visits at his parents’, and the hottest sex known to man did not make for a lasting relationship. Looking down she realized she was holding her little notebook, the evil, ridiculous notebook with her stupid goals.
Suddenly, she was furious with herself, her mother, her life. She threw the notebook across the room, feeling immensely good when it hit the wall. Why was she so determined to hide?
What would be the problem with going out on a real date with Hawk? Hadn’t she decided it would be nice to be with him, even if it was only temporary? Why did she have to analyze the whole thing, map it out, and deny herself what she wanted?
Just because the idea of going out with him on a real date didn’t fit in with her nice little plans didn’t mean it was wrong. Why keep fighting this when she knew it was a losing battle? Besides, this man was the last thing she thought about before falling asleep. He was the one she dreamed of, and he was the first thought on her mind in the morning.
But would she even get a choice to go out with him now? The look he’d shot her after she’d told him he wasn’t good enough hadn’t been too kind. She may have blown her shot with the man. Wouldn’t that make this all so much easier?
She was a chicken! That’s what she was. She wanted him to hate her because then she wouldn’t have to choose between her own happiness and her goals. She was also a fool. With determination, she stood up.
She’d overheard the teachers talk about how Hawk liked to ice-skate with the kids on some Saturdays. Though it had been years since she’d gone ice-skating, and though she hadn’t been good at it back then, she decided she should give it another try.
Before she could change her mind, she washed her face, bundled up, and left her house. Practically shaking because she was so nervous, she made her way down to the outdoor skating rink, and just hoped he was against public humiliation.
Not that she wouldn’t deserve a good tongue lashing from him, but that would really be a bad end to an already bad day. It didn’t take her long to get there, and there was no sign of Hawk, so she rented skates and got ready to go out on the ice.
When she looked up and saw Hawk moving toward her, an odd sense of excitement began to build. This was going to go one way or the other, and from the look in his eyes she really didn’t know which way, but she decided to paste a smile on her lips and hope for the best.
“What are you doing here, Natalie?” Still no expression to give her the slightest hint of what he was thinking or feeling.
“I thought I’d go ice-skating,” she said, glad when her voice didn’t wobble, at least not too badly.
“Alone?”
“I was hoping to not be alone.” His eyes widened at that and then narrowed as he looked down at her.
“What game are you playing?”
“It’s not a game . . .” She trailed off, because if she was in his shoes she’d ask the same thing.
“Isn’t it better to be alone, than to hang around a man who isn’t good enough for you?” His voice was deadpan, his eyes cold, making her shiver even more than the icy coldness of the Montana weather.