At Peace

And I couldn’t wait to get back to his house, his bed, him.

Dane came over for pork chops and after, he helped Kate do the dishes (another checkmark on the good column for Dane) and then he and Kate settled in the recliners in the study to do their homework. I sat with Keira on the couch in the living room and read at the same time Keira was watching TV and I watched Dane and Kate.

They were cute together. Dane was a handsome kid and he complimented my pretty daughter. And he was gentle with Kate. I liked the way he looked at her when she was talking like there was nothing else he wanted to do but hear what she had to say. But I especially liked it when she didn’t know he was looking at her like he thought she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen and he couldn’t believe his luck.

So, okay, I liked my daughter’s boyfriend. I smiled to myself, tilted my head to my book, didn’t read a word and felt that hollowing out of my belly.

Just a little longer to wait.

*

I pulled on my violet underwear that was liberally dosed with black lace. In fact, the ass of the panties was all lace; there was only a lace-edged triangle at the front. The demi-bra had such a deep edge of lace you could see my nipples through it. The bottom of the cup and the straps were violet satin, however.

Over these I pulled on my black satin nightie, no lace or other adornment. It was just low cut so you could see the bra and had slits to my hips on the sides so you could see the panties if I moved.

I’d bought these for Tim about two weeks before he was murdered and never worn them. I was holding onto them for a special occasion like, say, when the girls were spending the night at his parents’ house. He’d liked my sexy undies and nighties and I’d made it a habit to wear only them for him.

After he died, I’d meant to throw the lingerie out.

Now I was glad I didn’t.

I yanked on the black satin robe that went with the nightie, not wanting to wear Tim’s robe to Joe’s. Tim’s robe could stay on the door when I was with Joe. It might be chill outside but Joe wasn’t that far away.

Before I left my dark room, I bit my lip and put my fingers to my wedding rings. I hadn’t taken them off, never considered it, but I wondered if I should now.

My eyes went to the picture on my nightstand and I felt something move in me then settle. It wasn’t painful. I’d already had the pain, nearly a year and a half of it.

It was life.

“You know I’ll always love you,” I whispered to the picture.

The picture didn’t reply but I knew Tim knew. I’d want this for him too if it was me who was gone and him who remained, though it would totally suck. I wouldn’t want him to be alone though. I’d want him to be excited, to feel alive, to live his life and find happiness.

But I left my wedding rings on, I wasn’t ready for that.

I walked through the dark house. It was far earlier, just eleven thirty, but the girls were out, I’d already checked. I disarmed the alarm and looked at the tangle of shoes by the door. None of them would compliment my outfit so I decided against shoes.

I hustled to the back sliding glass door, opened it, slid through it, closed it and then hopped down the steps, running slowly across the yard, the spring dew cold on my bare feet.

His house was dark again, no light on outside but I didn’t pause. I skipped up Joe’s deck steps and before I hit the top, his sliding glass door was opened.

He stood in it, bare-chested, wearing jeans, the top button undone. My breath caught and my step slowed as I walked to him.

He didn’t move from the door when I stopped in front of him and I watched, holding my breath, as his eyes travel the length of me.

Then his arm shot out and hooked around my waist, he pulled me inside and slid the door to.

His fingers glided into the hair at the side of my head and his chin dipped down so his face was close to mine.

“Baby,” he whispered, “you aren’t wearing any shoes.”

He called me “baby”.

And he was worried my feet were cold.

Yes, something was happening here.

I melted into him and put my hands on his neck.

“I couldn’t find any that went with my outfit,” I explained quietly.

His hand tightened against my scalp and I watched in sheer fascination as he grinned. I’d never seen it but from afar and that close, it was un-fucking-believable.

My stomach dipped but I didn’t get to enjoy the view for very long because his fingers pressed in, pulling my head up, I went to my toes and he kissed me.

*

The lingerie was pretty much a wasted effort. Joe liked it, I knew, because he growled when he saw it, but he didn’t take much time to enjoy it before he took it off.

He was just as energetic as last night and as insatiable and I decided he probably got a nap.

I had not, so after round two, I wanted more but I couldn’t hack it. I made this point by sliding off his body, snuggling into his side, wrapping my arm around his belly and resting my head on his shoulder.

His fingers gripped my hip.

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