“Honey, the last woman he loved killed his child.” I sucked in breath and she asked, “Wouldn’t that scare you?”
“Yeah,” I answered, “but he slept with someone else when he was with me.”
“Told you he did,” Jackie put in.
“Even if it was a lie, why would he lie, knowing how much that’d hurt?” I pressed.
“To make you hurt. Didn’t have the strength in him to let you go, forced your hand so you’d do it,” Jackie explained. “Man’s strong so I reckon that’s sayin’ somethin’ about what he feels about you.”
“That’s crazy,” Cheryl muttered.
“You ever do anything totally irrational for self protection?” Jackie shot her question in Cheryl’s direction and she wasn’t done. “Or for Ethan’s?”
Cheryl bit her lips which was her nonverbal answer.
Jackie’s eyes came back to me. “He’s a big guy, a scary one, fierce, tough and because all that while he’s been puttin’ you through the ringer, you had no idea you’ve been doin’ the same damn thing to him.”
“But –” I began but Jackie shook her head.
“You lost your man, your brother and honey, my heart’s with you, that’s awful. He lost his Mom, Dad and son; the last two because of the woman he chose, one he brought into his father’s house, one he let bring his child into this world. That’s a burden he’s carried awhile and my guess is that burden is heavy. You two come with so much baggage, it’s a wonder you don’t get crushed. And that’s the thing, neither of you did. And you found each other. It’s time to unload that burden and find some joy,” Jackie advised.
“What if I can’t help him find his joy, what if I fail?” I whispered.
“Girl, you keep givin’ up. The only way sure to fail is to give up,” Jackie whispered back.
“He wants a baby with me,” I told Jackie and I heard some indrawn breaths at this piece of news (the only one) I had not shared.
“Give him one,” Jackie returned as if it was simple as that (and, I had to admit, thinking about it made my belly flutter again).
But even so, I suggested, “Maybe he just wants me to have a baby.”
“Oh crap, now she’s makin’ shit up,” Jessie muttered.
“Babe, your shit’s already confusin’ enough, you don’t need to make stuff up to make it more confusin’,” Cheryl advised.
“This is true,” Mimi said, “if Cal wanted a kid, he’d have about six dozen of them all over town.”
“Unh-hunh,” Jessie agreed on a nod.
“I’m not sure that’s helpin’,” Feb noted, watching me closely and she was right.
“Am I gonna be running into Joe’s lovers everywhere I go?” I asked.
“Yep,” Jessie answered and Mimi giggled.
“Great,” I muttered.
“Happened to me with Colt,” Feb told me. “Not everywhere I go but a few of his conquests come into the bar. I even spent time around him and Melanie when they were married.” She leaned into me. “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
“I’m guessin’ she’s learned that,” Cheryl mumbled.
“We all have,” Jackie stated.
“I’m scared,” I blurted.
“Of course you are,” Feb said, folded her legs and leaned into me. “Remember you told me when you were worried about gettin’ Keira that dog,” she nodded to Mooch in her Mom’s lap, “how you had a dog and lost her and didn’t want to put Keira through that?”
“Yeah,” I answered.
“You’re doin’ it again, babe,” Feb told me, “protectin’ yourself against hurt. You lost Tim and Cal hasn’t made this easy on you, now you’re gun-shy. But, honey, he’s out buyin’ a dog bed. Ask yourself, he’s doin’ that, why are you so scared?”
“It hurt when he turned,” I whispered.
“He’ll hurt you again, men fuck up all the time. Tim golden the whole way through?” Feb asked.
“No,” I answered honestly.
“You fight?”
“Of course.”
“He piss you off?”
“Yeah.”
“He hurt you by doin’ stupid shit?”
“Not often but, yeah.”
“Cal’s a man, Violet. He’s gonna fuck up. You are too. Honey, you know how that is, you lived with it with Tim. You also know, what you had with Tim, it’s worth it and you gotta take the risk.”
“Why?” I asked.
“You don’t, what’re you teachin’ your daughters?” Cheryl, in an about face, joined our conversation. “To be scared, to wrap themselves in cotton, or to face life and fight for somethin’ good?”
“I thought you didn’t like Joe,” I said to her.
She threw up her hand. “I forgot about the dog bed.”
Jessie snorted but Dee and Mimi laughed straight out.
I reached out, put my hands to baby Jack and asked my question to Feb with my eyes. She answered by turning Jack to me, I took him and cuddled him close. He grabbed onto my blouse and hair and his face went to my neck, his wet, soft baby lips hitting me there, his tongue working at the chain of a necklace I was wearing.
“Like his Dad,” Feb mumbled, watching Jack, “he loves necklaces.”
“Colt loves necklaces?” Mimi asked.
“This I gotta hear,” Jessie leaned forward.