Chapter 8
It’s Not Past Tense
I wake up when I feel lips touch my shoulder, a hand slide around my waist, and warmth hit my back. I smile into my pillow then roll over to face Kenton.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.” He pulls me up his body so I’m lying on his chest.
“Yes, you did.” I laugh, cuddling into him while breathing in his scent.
It’s been three weeks of us being an ‘us.’ At first, it was difficult living together plus being in a new relationship, but things have seem to have fallen into place. He’s still an ass every now and then, but he’s my ass.
The day after our first date, Kenton woke me up early, dragging me out of the bed and into the shower, where he proceeded to make love to me before telling me to get dressed because we had to go shopping. I got dressed in a pair of shorts and a light T-shirt before meeting him downstairs. I was exhausted, a little sore from being kept up the night before, and in no mood to go shopping, but he seemed so excited about it that I couldn’t exactly tell him that I hated shopping and to go alone.
When we got in his car, we headed to Nashville. I’d expected him to take us to the mall, but instead, he took us to a large furniture store.
“Why are we here?” I asked, looking at the store in front of us then over at him.
“I need a new bed,” he said, hopping out of the car.
My heart fell into my stomach. We had just had sex for the first time yesterday, and he was buying a new bed to leave mine already? I waited until he opened the door for me to get out. I wanted to claw his eyes out of his head for being such an ass, but instead, I swallowed down the hurt I was feeling, determined to find some other way to get back at him.
He took my hand in his, leading me inside the furniture store. A man in his mid-thirties with a bad comb-over and an even worse suit greeted us as soon as we entered the store. I looked around, trying to clear my head as Kenton and the guy spoke quietly.
When Kenton grabbed my hand, twining his fingers with mine, I was admiring a king-size bed with a canopy top. The set also came with beautiful side tables that were round in the middle with thin legs that curved out and a dresser and armoire that were similar. All the wood was dark with notches in it, making it look like it had just been chopped down in the forest. I could imagine a princess sleeping in that bed amongst the furniture.
“Do you like this one?” he asked.
I looked over at him then back at the bed. I could see him in it as well. The ruggedness of the wood was manly enough that the whimsical element to the design was toned down.
“It’s really nice,” I said softly, not knowing how I felt about picking out a bed that would basically guarantee that he wouldn’t be sleeping with me anymore.
“Is it something you would buy for your own room?”
“Yes,” I told him truthfully.
“Ralph, we’ll take this one.”
Ralph nodded and we followed him to the register, where he rang up the order. The whole set was over six thousand dollars, and Kenton pulled out his wallet, pulling out a shiny black card and handing it over to Ralph without even an ounce of regret on his face. When we were done, Ralph told us that he would have it delivered this afternoon.
When we left the furniture store, I thought for sure we would head home, but he drove us to a bedding and home goods store, leading me inside and right to the bedding department, telling me to pick something.
“What do you mean ‘pick something’? It’s your bed. You pick something,” I told him, crossing my arms over my chest in order to not punch him in the gut. My feelings were hurt. All I wanted to do was go home. I knew it was dumb, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t feel like crying about it.
“I need help,” he said, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
I bit my lip, looked around at every bedding set, and one caught my eye. It was white with a large design of a tree on it, and it had a green border that was made out of silk ribbon. I knew it would look amazing with his new bedroom furniture, but I also thought it was too feminine for a guy’s room. I walked over to the wall of blankets, grabbed a Bed in a Bag set that was mostly browns and blacks, and handed it to him. His eyes went from the bag to my face and then narrowed.
“What?” I asked, wondering what was wrong with the set I’d picked. I’d done what he’d asked me to, so what was his problem?
“You would have this in your room?”
“No, but this isn’t for my room,” I said, pointing at myself. “This is for your room.” I shrugged and started to walk away, but I was grabbed by the back of my jeans, and his hands slid along my stomach.
“Who do you think will be sleeping in my bed with me?” he asked against the shell of my ear. He’d found out the night before that that was a very weak spot for me.
“I don’t know,” I said, feeling stupid tears sting my nose. I didn’t want to think about anyone in his bed.
He turned me in his arms and I ducked my head, not wanting him to see the emotions I was sure were written all over my face.
“What’s going on?” His concerned voice caused my eyes to lift. I shook my head and started to look away, but his hand cupped my cheek, forcing me to look at him. “You’re the most difficult woman I have ever met.” He shook his head and started to laugh. My eyes narrowed, and he looked over my face before laughing harder.
“What the hell is funny?” I hissed.
He stopped laughing and his voice became serious. “You’re in my bed. I want that to be the place you sleep from now on. I also want it to be somewhere you’re comfortable. That’s why I wanted you with me today.”
“Oh,” I mumbled, my belly fluttering.
“Now, what are we getting?”
I bit my lip and walked over to the set that had caught my eye. I picked it up then put it down when I saw the price. “Maybe you should just get that other one,” I told him, seeing the much cheaper price boldly displayed across the front of the picture on the bag in his hand.
“Jesus.” He shook his head then walked over and picked up the one I really liked. “I hate shopping, so this will go a lot faster if you just pick the shit you like so we can get the f*ck out of here.”
“Don’t be an ass,” I growled, making him smile.
“Do we need sheets?”
“Yes,” I hissed then stomped over to the sheets, picking up two sets—a black one that would match the tree printed on the comforter and one green set the same color as the ribbon on the border. The whole time I stomped around, I listened to Kenton laughing. I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help the smile that formed on my lips when his arm swung over my shoulders and his lips touched my temple.
The feeling of him taking a deep breath brings me back to the present, and I tilt my head back slightly to look at him.
“Is everything okay?” I ask sleepily.
“All’s good. Justin just left. He said you went to bed late ’cause you were up eating junk food while watching him play Call of Duty all night.”
“He’s such a tattletale.” I shake my head.
Justin has become like a brother to me. We bicker and argue constantly, but he also makes me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe. I adore him for the way he looks out for Kenton and love that he is such a great friend. He stays with me every time Kenton is out of town. Between him and the rest of Kenton’s men, there isn’t a time when my whereabouts are unknown or I’m not supervised. I hate having people constantly in my space, but I know that, in order for me to be safe right now, I need them.
“I missed you,” I say softly, pressing my nose into his chest.
“Missed you too, babe.” His hand travels down my back, over my ass, and between my legs. One finger dips inside my p-ssy before rolling over my *.
“Kenton,” I moan as he takes my mouth in a deep kiss, rolling me to my back and entering me.
By the time we both come, we’re exhausted and fall back asleep.
I snuggle into Kenton and wrap my arms around his waist when I hear the doorbell ring in the distance. “They’ll go away,” I tell him, not ready to get up. I feel like I just fell asleep.
“I gotta get it. It could be Mom.”
Crap, he’s right. It could be his mom, because while he’s out of town, she or Viv stop by for coffee most mornings.
“Did you tell her you are home?” I ask, knowing that, if she knows he’s home, she would normally give him at least until the afternoon before calling or showing up.
“Nah, so she’s probably here to see you.”
“I’m up. You should sleep.” I throw my legs over the side of the bed then find the T-shirt he had on yesterday. I pull it on over my head before bending and grabbing my sweats off the floor.
The loud slap on my ass has me jumping in place and glaring at Kenton, who is now up and wearing a pair of jeans with the top button undone.
“What was that for?”
“You stick it in my face, babe, and I’m going to slap it,” he says with a smirk, opening the bedroom door.
I jump on his back, wrapping my legs around his hips and my arms around his neck while biting his ear and neck, making him laugh as he tries his best to tickle me off him, making me giggle while heading down the stairs.
“What the f*ck?” I hear whispered.
I lift my head at the familiar voice, shocked to see Sid standing on the front porch. My arms and legs start to loosen from around Kenton’s waist and neck, and I drop to the floor.
“Sid?” I ask, concerned, taking in his disheveled appearance.
“I knew she was with you.” His eyes narrow on Kenton. “I f*cking knew after your last visit, but this sealed the deal.”
“You were in Vegas?” I ask Kenton and glare.
He crosses his arms over his chest, looking down at me for a second before his eyes go back to Sid. “Why are you here? More importantly, how the f*ck did you find me?” Kenton asks him.
“It wasn’t that hard,” Sid says, glaring.
I look between the two of them then settle my eyes on Kenton. A million questions fly through my head, but the biggest one is why the hell he was in Vegas and didn’t say anything to me. “Why were you in Vegas?” I try, hoping to get an answer.
“He had a meeting at my club yesterday,” Sid says, and my head swings in his direction.
“Meeting?” I mumble, looking between the two of them.
“Motherf*cker,” Kenton growls, taking a step towards him.
“She should know what’s going on,” I hear Sid say, and I look back up at Kenton.
“What happened?” I ask.
The last time he went to Vegas, my place had been broken into. I have no idea who he would be meeting with besides Link, but I don’t think that’s what this is about.
“We’ll talk soon,” Kenton says, the vein in his neck ticking.
“Why don’t you tell her now?” Sid looks from Kenton to me, his eyes going soft. He starts to take a step towards me, but Kenton blocks his way, putting his hand on the door. “She’s my friend,” Sid complains.
“She’s my woman.”
“Okay, please put your giant penis away for a minute,” I tell Kenton, elbowing him in the side before looking over at Sid. “Why are you here?” I ask him softly, wondering if he’s in trouble or something.
“After your last e-mail, I wrote you back. When I didn’t hear from you, I wrote you again, only for it to come back to me saying you’d deleted your account.” He runs a hand over his head, and this time, his eyes go to Kenton. “I knew you were with him after yesterday, so I got his address and came to talk to you.”
“Why?”
“You know I’ve always been in love with you, Autumn. Don’t be stupid.”
“‘Don’t be stupid’?” I whisper. “So, all the women you paraded around in front of me?” I ask.
“Meant nothing.” He shrugs. “I just wanted you to realize you wanted me. I wanted you to fight for me.”
“Wow,” I say softly, shaking my head. “You’re telling me you were in love with me and brought women around so I would be jealous and fight for you…instead of telling me how you felt and you fighting for me?”
“You’re so closed off. You were always in your head. I was trying to break through to you.”
I look at Sid then Kenton.
“Don’t look at me, babe. I don’t know what the f*ck to say about this shit.”
“Sid, you’re a great guy, but you don’t love me.”
The differences between Kenton and Sid are striking, the biggest being that Kenton has fought for me since the beginning. He’s never let me get too far when I’ve tried running away. He’s also never brought women around to try to get me to accept my feelings for him.
“Like I said in my last e-mail, I care about you, but not like that. I hope you can understand,” I tell him softly, hoping that he gets that there is nothing—nor will there ever be anything—between us.
“You’re serious?” he asks.
I bite my lip and nod. I watch regret pass through his eyes before he shakes his head then turns to look off into the distance.
“I guess this is goodbye then?”
“Yeah,” I reply, not understanding the feelings I have inside, why this is so hard. Deep down, I wonder what would have happened if he would’ve actually tried to get to know me. I step up to him and wrap my hands around his waist, giving him a hug. “Thank you for everything,” I whisper. “One day, you’re going to find someone worth fighting for.”
His arms squeeze me a little tighter, his chest expanding on a breath. “Have you?”
I know exactly what he’s asking, and tears sting my nose. I nod into his chest and step back into Kenton’s embrace.
“You hurt her and I’ll kill you,” Sid says before turning and heading down the steps.
Once he’s in his car and pulling away from the house, I turn to look at Kenton. “So what happened in Vegas?” I cross my arms over my chest.
His eyes drop then meet mine again. “Let’s go sit down.”
I follow him into the living room, sitting on the opposite side of the couch from him. That way, he can’t distract me with his touch.
“I met up with the boss of Lacamo. They agreed you’re off-limits,” he says softly, and my whole body stills at the news I have been waiting to hear.
“So it’s over?” I ask on a whisper. I can’t believe that, after all this time, all it took was one meeting for this whole thing to be resolved.
“It is,” he says, looking at me from across the couch.
I can’t understand why he looks so worried when I know that this news will make things easier for him as well. He has been running himself ragged working his normal cases while trying to keep me safe. Then, my head starts to fill with thoughts about my life, why I’m really here, and what this news means for my future.
“So, I can go home then?” I ask, looking down at my hands.
“No.”
The word is rough and causes me to lift my head. “What do you mean ‘no’?” I search his face, wondering what he’s not telling me. If I’m no longer in danger, I can return to Vegas, even if the thought alone makes me feel sick.
“Exactly what it sounds like—no, you can’t go back to Vegas.” His hands ball into fist on his thighs. “This is your home.”
“This is your home,” I murmur and swallow, feeling my heart pound against the inside of my ribs.
“Since you’ve been here, this has become my home, but before you, it was a place I slept at night. You have given me a reason to come home.”
“You want me to move in with you?” I whisper, hope blooming in my chest.
“Yes, I want you to move in with me.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yes, baby.” He laughs, shaking his head.
“What about my place in Vegas?”
“Sell it…keep it… I don’t give a f*ck what you do with it.”
I stand up, glance around the room, and then look back over at Kenton, who looks worried. My heart does a flip from knowing that he really wants this; he really wants me.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Without a doubt. One hundred percent sure.”
“What will your family say?”
“‘When are you getting married?’” he replies. I feel my eyes get big and my mouth fill with saliva. “One thing at a time,” he says gently, and I nod.
I’m not sure if he’s in love with me, but I think this feeling I have for him is love—or some form of it. Never really having been loved before, I don’t know what it really feels like. I know that what I feel for him makes what I felt for my son’s father pale in comparison. I know that I want to spend all my time with him, and he’s always my first thought when I wake and my last thought when I go to bed at night.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” he asks, searching my face.
“Yes, okay. I’ll move in with you,” I tell him, a smile creeping onto my face.
“Yeah?” His lips twitch, and I nod before running at him and climbing onto his lap. His arms wrap around me as I press my mouth against his. “Shit,” he groans, pulling his mouth from mine.
“Why are you stopping?” I try to pull his mouth back to mine when I hear someone knocking on the door. “Oh.”
I smile as he sets me aside and adjusts himself in his jeans before standing. I sit there for a second and then get up to follow him to the door. After he looks outside, his eyes come to me before pulling the door open.
“You’re home?” Nancy says, smiling. “If I would have known that, I wouldn’t have come so early.”
“It’s fine. We were up.” He kisses her cheek, letting her into the house.
“Why were you up?” She looks between the two of us, her eyes twinkling, and I know she’s going to say something that will have me turning red. “You know, I want my grandchildren to have our family name. I think it’s about time you two stop playing house and just get married.”
All the air leaves my lungs at the word ‘children.’ I grab the table closest to me for balance. When a wave of dizziness hits me hard, I’m surprised that I don’t hit the ground.
“Jesus, Mom! Autumn just agreed to move in, and now you’re trying to scare her off.” He shakes his head then looks at me. “One thing at a time,” he says gently, reading my face.
I nod and swallow against the lump in my throat. I could see myself having his child. I can picture a little girl with his dark hair and golden eyes. She’d be a daddy’s girl and he would adore her. Her life would be so different than mine was when I grew up up.
“You okay, baby?”
I feel a hand on my cheek, and I shake the thoughts out of my head. I look into his concerned eyes and take a breath before nodding.
“You’re moving in?” Nancy asks. The surprise in her voice has me getting up on my tiptoes to look over Kenton’s shoulder. I smile when I see the look of approval and the wide smile on her face as she looks between us. “So I’m guessing everything has been sorted out?” She looks at Kenton, who nods. “I knew my boy would fix it.” She shakes her head then ducks by Kenton and grabs my hand, pulling me with her to the kitchen.
“What are you doing, Mom?”
“Well, now that it’s official, we need to talk about redecorating. This place was okay when it was just you, but now that Autumn’s going to be living here for good, we need to make some changes.”
“We don’t need to talk about that, Mom. Autumn can make any changes she wants to, but we don’t need to have a sit-down about it.”
“Honey, until you give me a wedding to plan and grandbabies to play with, you’re going to have to give me something.”
“Jesus. I’m going to the office.” He looks at me then his mom and shakes his head. “You gonna be okay here with her?”
“Of course she will be okay with me,” Nancy scoffs. “I’m going to get coffee started and call Susan to see if her boys have anything on their schedule.” She looks at me then my clothes. “You should get dressed so we can go downtown and head to some stores. I need to get an idea of what you like. I hope we can do the kitchen right away.”
“Mom, seriously, slow down,” Kenton warns.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to find a decent woman…someone I could stand being around, someone I would be proud to call my daughter?” She puts her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes. “I want the wedding and the grandkids, but I can’t have that right now. So instead, we’re going to be redecorating this house so that, when the time comes, you’re ready.”
“You know that, when me and Autumn get married, it will be up to her to plan the kind of wedding she wants, right?”
“Of course it will be her planning it.” His mom shakes her head and starts down the hall.
I stand there in shock, my body coiled tightly. He said when, not if, we get married, like he knows for sure that it’s going to happen.
“Breathe, baby,” I hear on a laugh. I look up and my eyes automatically narrow when I see that he’s chuckling. “Told you she would be planning a wedding when she found out you were moving in.”
“You said when.” I shake my head.
“What?” His eyebrows come together in confusion and his hand goes to my waist, dragging me to him.
“Nothing.”
“When what?”
“Nothing?” I say, and it comes out sounding more like a question.
“Autumn.” His tone has my head coming up and my heart beating double-time.
“You said when we get married, not if we get married,” I repeat. The words are circling inside my head.
“Yeah?” His eyes narrow further, making me squirm.
“When, Kenton…you said when we get married, not if,” I say again, trying to drive home what I’m getting at.
“Of course we’re getting married,” he says in a tone that makes me squirm.
“What?”
“Babe, what the f*ck do you think is going on between the two of us?” He shakes his head, putting his fingers under my chin, titling my head farther back. His mouth touches mine, his teeth tugging on my bottom lip. “You make me crazy.” He kisses me. Then his eyes search my face. “We’ll talk tonight.”
“We don’t need to talk,” I say immediately.
“You don’t need to talk. You just need to listen.”
“Joy.” I sigh, trying to think of a way to get out of this.
“When I get home, we’ll talk.”
“I can’t wait,” I say sarcastically and yell, “Ow!” when he smacks my ass hard. “Your mom’s here,” I remind him when he gets the look in his eyes that tells me I’m about to get bent over.
“Keep up the smart mouth and I’ll fill it with something that will keep you quiet,” he whispers in my ear, causing goose bumps to break out over my skin.
“I thought you needed to go into the office,” I breathe, closing my eyes.
The image of me on my knees in front of him flashes behind my closed lids. Every time I have tried to take him in my mouth, he’s stopped me, saying that he needed to be inside me badly.
My hands slide around his waist and my head goes to his chest, where I listen to the rhythm of his heart. “I’ll see you when you get home.” I squeeze his waist and feel his lips at the top of my head.
“See you when I get home,” he says quietly.
“Okay,” I reply, and he kisses me once more before jogging up the stairs.
“You got it bad,” Nancy says, making me jump.
I turn around and look at her. Standing in the doorway, she looks me over before looking up the stairs at where Kenton just disappeared.
“I would send you up to get dressed, but he’s up there now, and if you go up there with him, I have a feeling neither of you will be back down for a while.”
I feel my face heat up and I look at the ground.
“Come have some coffee.” She laughs, turning and heading back into the kitchen.
I follow behind, wondering if she gets off on making me squirm.
Once we’ve had coffee and Kenton comes back downstairs to kiss me goodbye, he tells me that I can message him any time and he’ll send someone to rescue me. I would normally laugh about that, but I have a feeling that he’s being completely serious.
The minute the door closes behind him, Nancy pushes me up the stairs to get dressed. She lets me know what we’re going to be doing, not that she gives me a choice in any of it. I have a feeling that the only way I could disagree is if I pop out a kid or start planning a wedding, and neither of those things is going to happen for a while, so I’m stuck picking out appliances—or at least agreeing with what she picks out.
*
I sigh as I sit down in the booth across from Nancy. I think we’ve gone to every home improvement store in the state. If I never look at another oven or fridge again, it will be too soon. I feel my phone vibrate in my bag, so I pull it out and slide my finger across the screen when I see that Kenton is calling.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Hey, babe. I just wanted to call you really quick and let you know I’m gonna be late.”
I feel a frown touch my lips at his words and the anxiety in his voice. “Is everything okay?” I ask softly.
“Sophie’s place was broken into when she was home. I’m with Nico and the cops now.”
“Oh my God, is she okay?”
“She’s fine. A little shook up, but she’s all right.”
“Who broke in?” I ask in shock.
Nancy grabs my free hand, giving it a squeeze.
“We’re not sure, baby. As soon as Nico gets Sophie home, I should be on my way.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you then.”
“Later, baby.”
“Later,” I say softly.
My mind goes to Sophie and Nico. I haven’t met Sophie yet, but I have met Nico. He looks scary but is very sweet. The two times we’ve talked, he told me all about Sophie, and I can tell just by the tone of his voice when he speaks about her that he is in love. I can only imagine how worried he is right now.
“Kenton said Sophie’s was broken into,” I tell Nancy, setting the phone down on the table.
“Oh my,” she mumbles. “I’m going to call Susan.” She picks up her phone.
I watch as she makes the call, and I know that, by the time the phone is hung up, the Maysons will be on a mission. I’m just not sure if it’s going to be what Nico wants. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’d want everyone over after something like that.
“Susan’s going to call Nico’s dad and tell him what’s going on. He’s a cop and may be able to get some stuff sorted before my son or nephew end up in jail.”
I feel my eyes get big. “Why would he go to jail?”
“Honey, Kenton works with cops but isn’t a cop.” She shakes her head, grabbing my hand again. “He can still be arrested if he does something the police find to be criminal.”
“Holy shit.” I stand, grabbing my bag, ready to go save Kenton before he gets into trouble.
“Where do you think you’re going?” She grabs my hand and tugs me back down into the booth next to her. “Let me tell you something. Kenton will always do whatever he wants. There is nothing his father or I—or now you—can say to change his mind.”
“I don’t want him to get into trouble,” I breathe in distress.
“I don’t really believe he will get into trouble, but a mom’s job is never done. I will always protect my family.”
Her words bring tears to my eyes. She’s a great mom who loves her kids. Even with as old as Kenton and Toni are, they are still able to lean on her when they need something.
“You’re family now too, honey,” she says quietly, “and I will protect you as I would protect my own children. That includes looking out for my son so he can continue to look out for you.”
I feel a tear falls down my cheek.
Her hand comes up, holding my face, her thumb wiping the tear away. “Now, what do you say we have some cake?”
“Sure.” I nod, swallowing against the lump in my throat.
We sit there in silence while we each eat a large piece of chocolate cake that is so dense that it’s more like fudge. I have a large glass of milk with mine, and Nancy has a glass of wine. When we’re done, we pay the tab before climbing into Nancy’s Jeep.
I don’t know why she doesn’t say anything, but I know why I can’t. My emotions are too exposed; too much has happened today and I need some time to regroup. It isn’t until Kenton sends a text telling me that he’s on his way home that I feel some of the tension in my belly dissipate. Right then, I know that I’m no longer in like with him; I’m head-over-heels in love with him.
I wake up on a scream when I feel myself being shaken. My throat feels like it’s on fire and my skin feels damp with sweat. I look around in the darkness, holding my chest, trying to remember where I am, when the light is switched on and I see that Kenton is looking at me worriedly. I lower my head, covering my face with my hands, taking a few deep breaths as I try to get my heart rate back to normal.
“You were screaming like someone was killing you,” he whispers, sliding in behind me.
I feel my stomach drop and my insides twist with anxiety. I haven’t had a nightmare in years. When I first left home, I would get them often, but somehow, they stopped. I forgot what it feels like to wake up scared, so scared that I want to turn on every light then hide under the covers.
“Sorry I woke you,” I whisper, trying to pull away from his touch, humiliated that I woke him, that he witnessed that.
“Jesus, don’t do that. Do not f*cking pull away. Not right now. Not when whatever it was you were dreaming about is still clinging to your skin and has seeped into mine.”
The bed moves behind me again and my hands are taken from my face. He pulls me down so I’m on my side, facing him, our faces so close that I can feel each of his breaths.
His arms wrap around me and his thigh slides over my legs so I’m surrounded by him. “Talk to me.”
I try to sort out what to say to him in my head. How can I possibly explain what just happened when I don’t understand it myself? “I don’t know if it’s a dream or a memory,” I say softly after a few minutes. I press my face into his neck and press my body closer to his.
“What happens?”
I take another shuddering breath and shake my head. “I’m in water. It’s not very deep ’cause I’m sitting in it and it only comes up to my waist. I have this doll in my hand that has blond hair, and I’m dunking her underwater, singing a song to her.” I swallow again, and this time, I feel bile at the back of my throat. “I don’t know what happens, but I feel hands on my head pushing me down. I can’t breathe and I try to scream but end up sucking in lungfuls of water.”
I take a breath just to remind myself that I can. My mom was never a good mom; she was abusive but never left a mark. She always made sure there was never any evidence pointing to her being less than perfect. To everyone who knew us, we lived the perfect life. We had the perfect home, the perfect yard, and she was the perfect mother, who had perfect hair, clothes, and makeup. Everything about her was perfect, and she made sure I was perfect—at least what everyone saw of me.
“Do you think that really happened? That she tried to drown me?” I wonder out loud, feeling his body wrap tighter around mine and his muscles tense. We’ve talked some about how it was for me growing up. I try to avoid talking about it as much as possible, even though he asks often. I just don’t like the look that comes across his face when we do discuss it.
“Do you?” he asks gently.
I take another deep breath, tucking my face into his neck, letting his warmth and smell take away the last of the nightmare. “Yes.” I nod, feeling his arms go tighter before he lets me go and gets out of bed, muttering a quiet, “F*ck,” under his breath.
“Oh God,” I whimper, feeling sick. I sit up, holding the sheet to my bare chest, looking around for quick escape. Tears start to sting my nose and I fight them back, knowing that there is no way in hell I will cry in front of him. Not now.
“F*ck!” is roared, and I turn my head just in time to see one of the new bedside lamps fly across the room, hitting the sliding glass door. The lamp bursts into thousands of pieces while the door somehow doesn’t shatter. “F*ck, f*ck, f*ck,” he chants, pacing back and forth, running a hand through his hair as I try to think of something to do or say to calm him down.
“I’ll leave,” I tell him quietly, fear settling in my gut.
His pacing doesn’t change, and his fists clenching and unclenching tell me everything I need to know about his state of mind. I start to wonder if I do this to people, if I make them want to hurt me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whimper.
His head swings my way, and his eyes look me over, going from hard to soft. “Jesus, baby.” He comes towards me and I hold up my hand, trying to ward him off. His eyes drop to my hand then move back up to my face. “I would never hurt you.”
I know this; I know deep down that he wouldn’t, but I just watched him freak out, and that has put some fear in me.
“Never,” he repeats, and that’s when I notice that my body is shaking so hard that the bed is vibrating. “It was either the lamp or track down your mom and put a bullet in her.”
I feel my eyes widen as he shakes his head.
“I would kill her, baby. Without a second thought, I would end her. I know you don’t understand, but this is me. I protect the people I love. I hate feeling helpless when I know I can fix this. Knowing that someone who has harmed you is out in the world, walking around, does not sit well with me. It goes against everything I am to let her get away with what she did to you.”
“You love me?” I ask, ignoring everything else he just said, my mind zeroing in on that one fact.
His eyebrows rise and he shakes his head. “What do you think we’re doing here?”
I swallow and shrug my shoulders at his familiar words.
“Baby, you need to start looking at what’s going on around you.”
“You never told me.”
“I show you every day,” he says, looking dumbfounded.
“You should have told me you loved me.” I resort to getting angry. Why the hell are guys so damn stupid?
“Love.”
“What?”
“I love you. It’s not past tense. I love you now and will love you until my heart stops beating.”
My belly flips and I shake my head. “I’m in a whole lot of love with you too.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, his eyes narrowing.
“I didn’t know until today.” I shrug, pulling the sheet up higher on my chest.
“What?”
“I didn’t know.”
“I know you love me,” he says, and I’m sure he did know, because he knows what love feels like.
“I have loved—really loved—only one person, and that was my son.” I look around, trying to think of a way to explain it to him. “My love for him was different. It was one-sided and pure of any other emotions. Then, today, you sent me a text message, and when I read that you would meet me at home, something in me clicked into place. I have never had that—a home or someone to go home to. That’s when I understood what I’m feeling. You’re my home. You’re the person I belong to.”
“Stop,” he growls, and I know that he understands now.
“You’re the glue that holds all of my broken pieces together,” I say quietly.
“Autumn—”
“You love me for me,” I whisper, and I know he’s done when he plows into me, his body knocking mine backwards onto the bed, caging me in.
“I said shut it.” His mouth comes down on mine, his tongue seeking entrance.
I open my mouth under his. My hands go to his back, feeling his warm, smooth skin under my fingers. His fingers go to my center, where he pulls my panties to the side. Then his fingers run down my slit, causing my hips to jerk at the contact.
“Lift your hips.”
I do what he says, raising my hips off the bed. His hands pull my panties down my thighs, his weight leaving me only to drag them off me. As soon as they’re gone, his fingers go right back to where they were, making my hips shift and jerk once again.
“I think it’s time I get your mouth. What do you think?”
My p-ssy convulses, sucking his fingers deeper.
“My girl likes that idea,” he says, licking up my neck before rolling to his back.
I watch as his hips lift and he pulls his boxers down, kicking them off the bed. His hand wraps around his cock, stroking twice and causing a bead of pre-cum to seep out of the tip. My mouth waters and I lick my lips. His groan has my eyes going to his as I bend forward on my knees to lick the tip. His taste bursts on my tongue, and I want more, so I wrap my hand over his and close my lips over the tip, swirling my tongue around it.
His fingers run over my cheek, around my ear, and down my neck, shoulder, back, and ass before hitting me just right. I moan, taking more of him into my mouth.
“Com’ere,” he groans, shifting my hips over his head. The second his tongue touches me, I cry out, forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing. “You stop, I stop,” he growls, slapping my ass. I moan, taking him as deep as I can, causing him to hit the back of my throat, which makes me gag.
I can feel his fingers holding me open while he licks and sucks, not missing any part. I feel my orgasm approaching and know that it’s going to be huge. My hips start bucking against his face, my hand working fast with my mouth. Do I know what I’m doing? No, but I know him, and I know the noises he makes when something feels good. I know we’re both close, but then he lifts me off his face with an order of, “Ride me.”
I start to turn to face him, but his hands hold my hips in place.
“Reverse, baby.”
I can feel more wetness build between my thighs. One of his hands holds his cock upright, the other wrapping around my hip. I position myself over him and sink down hard. My head flies back and a loud moan leaves my mouth. I just found my new favorite position.
The head of his cock hits my G-spot on each downward thrust. His hands slide around my waist, one going up to cup my breast, the other down to roll over my *.
“Shit. I need a mirror.”
I look over my shoulder and down at him. His eyes are at half-mast and his cheeks have a slight pinkness, and I know I did that to him. I made his hot even hotter just by f*cking him.
His hand wraps around my hair, pulling my head back, and I hold the position for a minute before leaning forward. My hands go to his shins as I start to ride him hard and fast. I can feel myself getting closer the harder I ride. When his hips start lifting to meet mine, I cry out my orgasm as he grunts his.
“Wow,” I breathe into the crook of my arm, where my face had ended up.
“F*ck yeah. Perfection in everything you do, baby.”
I smile into my arm before lifting myself off him and turning around to lie against his chest with my chin on my hands. “I love you,” I tell him, looking into his eyes, my finger tracing first one eyebrow, then the other, and then around his lips, which I love so much.
“Love you, baby.” He leans up, kissing my mouth. “I gotta clean up. You wanna come, or do you want me to bring you something?”
“I wanna come,” I smile.
“Smartass.” He smiles back, smacking my ass lightly and shaking his head.
I follow him into the bathroom, where he cleans me up before smacking me on the ass as I walk back into the bedroom. I don’t even bother saying anything when he does it; I know it’s pointless to tell him to stop. Instead, I pick my panties up off the floor, toss them towards the closet, and grab a new pair from the drawer before stepping into them.
“I f*cking love those.”
I look down at my underwear and feel my eyebrows draw together.
“When the f*ck did cotton panties with flowers become sexier than lace shit? Do not f*cking ask me, but those are hot, and you in nothing but them is even hotter.”
I roll my eyes and pull them up my legs before climbing into bed. “You’re such a guy.”
“But you love me,” he says, and I smile.
“I do. I don’t know what that says about me, but I do love you.”
“It says you’re smart.” He turns off the light and pulls me to him so my head is on his chest and his hand can wrap around my hair like it always does when we sleep. “You gonna be able to sleep?”
Hearing the concern in his voice has me pressing closer to him. “I’ll be okay. I haven’t had one in a long time,” I tell him quietly, tracing random patterns on his chest.
“I wonder what triggered it.”
“I think talking to your mom last night,” I say softly.
“What did she say?” he growls.
“She told me about your work.”
“You already knew about my work,” he says, confused.
I press closer. “I know, but I guess I never thought you could get into trouble.”
“Baby, if we were having this conversation a few years ago, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but I’m no longer reckless. I take risks, but they are all calculated, and the worst-case scenario is thought of and worked around before every situation.” His hand moves to my cheek. “I don’t want you to worry about any of that. Things can always go wrong, and if they do, we figure it out when it happens. Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nod against his chest.
“Night, baby.”
“Night,” I whisper, listening to his heartbeat, letting it lull me to sleep.