They’re getting along better these days, since the Great Compromise. Stanton agreed not to give Sofia shit about her unrestricted access to all our clients, as long as Sherman, their giant Rottweiler, was right next to her when she did. Needless to say, not a single client has even raised their voice above a whisper since then.
“That’s right.” I pop a french fry into my mouth. I’ve been burning a shitload of calories lately—gotta replenish.
Jake leans forward, still looking like he doesn’t quite understand. “And you want to have a relationship with her? A real one?”
I shrug. “We’re not exactly picking out kids’ names yet—but that’s where it’s headed, yeah.”
I’ve already got my list made out—and Waldo is at the very top.
“And Kennedy feels the same way?” Sofia questions.
I take a gulp of soda. “More or less. She has issues. I’m working on it. She’ll come around.”
Stanton rests his elbows on the table. “Are you sure it’s not just the thrill of the battle that’s making you so hot for her?”
I frown. “Definitely not—why would you ask that?”
Sofia carefully answers, “Because besides your parents and your therapist, we’re the longest relationship you’ve ever had.”
Huh. So they are.
Stanton nods. “Exactly. And you said she’s got ‘issues.’ So my question is—if you win, how is she going to handle not just losing her first DC case . . . but losing it to you?”
I haven’t thought about that too much; I’ve been preoccupied with all the awesome screwing. But I probably should.
Suddenly, I’m not so hungry anymore.
? ? ?
Later that day, I’m in Waldo’s office. It’s not our usual day, but he squeezed me in.
“You’re very quiet.” He regards me patiently from behind his glasses. “Quiet and . . . still.”
Like I said before, I usually think better on my feet. But there’s so much action going on in my fucking head at the moment, all I can handle is sitting on the couch.
I lean forward, bracing my elbows on my knees. “Do you really think I have intimacy issues?”
A light goes on in his eyes; the proud gleam of realizing that weeks, months, years of work is about to pay off—that I’m on the verge of an epiphany. “I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think it was true.”
I rub my beard, really thinking about it for the first time.
“But why do you think that? I have great relationships with my friends, my family—I’m a good boyfriend, a thoughtful, generous lover . . .”
He explains, “When it comes to your romantic endeavors, Brent, you make a concentrated—if unconscious—effort to maintain emotional distance. In your words, you keep it ‘light’ and ‘fun’ because you consider life too serious. You don’t seek out true partners, just women with whom you can pass the time. Imagine a frozen pond. You skate across on the surface, never even thinking to delve below to see if the foundation beneath the ice is solid. It doesn’t concern you, because you don’t plan on staying in one place long enough to let yourself fall through.”
He’s right, and it’s worked really well for me . . . until now.
“Do you know why I do that?”
He nods. “Yes.”
Then nothing.
Fucking therapists. All about the head games.
I lift an eyebrow. “Care to share with the class?”
He clears his throat. “You experienced a severe trauma at a young age. Unlike most teenagers, you never underwent the ‘invincibility phase’—the time in an adolescent’s life when they hold the unreasonable belief that nothing bad will happen to them, regardless of any unhealthy behavior. Because you knew all too well that bad things do happen. That safety is an illusion, and awful events strike at random, through no fault of our own.
“The loss of your leg left you with two impressions that you carry with you to this very day. The first is that life is unpredictable and cruelly short. So you seize it, squeezing in as many experiences as you can, accomplishing goals with almost frenetic energy—because you never know when your time will run out.
“The second, which is emotionally counterproductive to the first, is you guard your feelings—for women in particular. You keep a tight rein on your affections because you never know when their time will run out. And the pain of possibly losing someone you love—that is your greatest fear.”
His words bounce around in my head. And they sound spot-on.
Which doesn’t mean I have to believe them.
“I’ve met someone.” I take a sip of water from the glass on the table in front of me. “Well . . . I’ve become reacquainted with someone would be more accurate, I guess.”
Now it’s Waldo’s turn to sit forward. Because he’s never heard me talk about any woman in the tone I’m using right now.
Serious. Desperate.
I tell him all about Kennedy. About our childhood, boarding school, the Longhorn case, and everything that’s happened between us since I saw her again at that party. I tell him how much I want to make things work with her, how I want to protect her and fulfill her every dream. And mostly, I talk about how badly I don’t want to screw it all up. Including the Longhorn case.