We stop next to his motorcycle. I force the words out. “Sorry for…”
“Forget it.” Archer picks up his helmet, glancing toward the house. “Is she… you know… okay?”
“I think so. Physically, anyway.”
“Good.” He climbs onto the motorcycle.
“Hey.”
He stops and looks at me.
“What was that sandwich you used to like?” I ask.
“Sandwich?”
“I think it was cheddar and… no.” I shake my head. “Swiss cheese and ketchup.”
“On raisin bread.” Faint amusement creases Archer’s eyes. “Used to love those.”
“I remember.”
He pulls his helmet on. “Well. See you.”
“Yeah.”
He lowers the face shield and revs up the bike. I watch as he heads down the driveway. The noise grows when he opens the throttle and hits the main road. I stand there until the roar of the bike fades.
I go around the side of the house and pull an old, manual mower out of the garage. It’s a moderately warm day with a clear sky, the sun still high.
I push the mower lengthwise down the lawn, turn, push it back up. Repeat. Up. Down. Across. The lawn is huge, and before long sweat drips down my neck. I swipe my damp forehead with the hem of my T-shirt and pull the mower back. I like the effort of pushing the machine, the sound of the chopping blades, the smell of fresh-cut grass.
“You know, this is the twenty-first century,” a woman’s voice says.
I look up to see Helen crossing the yard, a can of soda in her hand.
“We do have gas-powered and electrical lawnmowers now,” she continues.
“Those are for pussies,” I mutter.
“Then you should be using one.” She smiles and holds out the soda, then eyes me dubiously.
“You look like hell,” she remarks.
“Feel like it too.” I open the ice-cold can and take a swallow. The bubbly liquid tastes good going down my throat. I drink half the can and wipe my mouth on my arm. “Thanks.”
“We missed you at the tea party.”
“Don’t like tea or parties.”
“What’s going on?” Helen glances at the mower.
“What do you mean?”
“Paige says you’ve suddenly got your nose to the grindstone, cleaning and fixing everything in sight.” She plants her hands on her hips and narrows her eyes at me. For an instant, she reminds me of Kelsey. “So, what gives?”
I tilt my head back to take another drink. I’m tempted to tell her. That realization unnerves me. She’s my ex-wife. We had a lousy marriage, filled with anger and grief. We never wanted to see each other again after we got divorced.
Why should I want to tell her anything?
“I know you like to do stuff when you’re upset, Dean,” Helen says. “I remember that well enough. Is this all because of what’s going on at King’s?”
Even though there’s no one around, I appreciate her veiled reference. I shove the mower forward with one hand. The blades snap and rotate.
“Yeah, that’s all,” I say.
“Bullshit. If you only had one tiger by the tail, you wouldn’t be mad as a hatter and busy as a bee.”
I can’t help chuckling.
“You want to come clean?” Helen asks. “Have you told Liv yet?”
Jesus. My fingers dent the soda can.
“No.”
“Okay.” Helen searches my face for a moment, then shrugs. “Let me know if you want to talk.” She starts back to the house, then pauses. “Just so you know, I’ve got nothing to gain by screwing you over.”
“I never thought you would.”
“Just making sure you know that.” She turns back to the house.
I watch her go for a moment before the confession breaks loose.
“She had a miscarriage.”
Helen stills. Turns slowly. She’s pale. “When?”
“Tuesday.”
“Oh, Dean. I’m so sorry.”
“We weren’t… didn’t plan it. The pregnancy.”
“I’m sorry.” She hesitates. “Your genetic tests were all normal, Dean. Sometimes no one knows why a miscarriage happens. So don’t think this is your fault.”
I can’t think anything else.
“When it happened with us…” I look past her to the house. My chest burns. “What did you want from me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I never felt like I was giving you… what you needed.” I swallow hard. “I don’t want that to happen with Liv.”
Helen studies me for a second, then says, “Liv and I are different people, Dean.”
“I know.”
“So what I needed from you might not be what she needs.”
I force my gaze to hers. “But what was it?”
“Well, we were never in a good place when it came to getting pregnant,” she admits. “I realize that now. I had this idea that we should have it all, be this young powerhouse couple with perfect, illustrious careers, a great marriage, two kids, et cetera. That was why I pushed it so hard, even though our marriage was bad. I suppose it was a blessing in a very rough disguise that we never had a successful pregnancy.”