2
Small groups of men and boys passed me in the opposite direction. Suits, dark mustaches. Most shops were still closed, the sky was gray and I had goose bumps from the cold. I looked down, trying to avoid the long puddles. I was searching for a cafe where a woman by herself wouldn’t get into trouble. It had gotten dark and I knew that what I was doing was pure insanity anyway.
“I’m Ismael.”
He introduced himself in English and I answered in Arabic. Ismael respectfully held out his hand for me to shake. He had a surprisingly limp handshake for a man of his height. He seemed very young.
Once I’d realized that my feelings for Tal had vanished, I’d excused myself, saying I had to go to the bathroom. Then I climbed through the window and ran into the street. Now I was sitting by myself in the center of Ramallah. Surrounded by a dozen men in suits. But Ismael was the only one who spoke to me.
“Where are you from?”
“Germany.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
He sat down next to me.
“Where did you learn Arabic? From a man?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Are you married?”
I nodded.
Ismael sighed. “Me, too. Difficult. You don’t look like a German at all.”
“How do Germans look?”
“I don’t know.”
“And Russians?” I asked him. “How do they look?”
He shrugged and said, “Like people who love birch trees.”
“Americans?”
“Look around you. Palestine is full of them.”
“And Palestinians?”
“Like people who are used to waiting a long time.”
I laughed and Ismael grinned, pleased. Leaning back, he lit a cigarette.
“You are cold,” he said.
“No.”
“You are. I can see it. Take my jacket.”
“No.”
Ismael took off his jacket and placed it on the table. I shook my head and the jacket remained where it was. Now we were both cold.
“What are you doing here?”
I smiled and shrugged.
“Are you waiting for someone?”
I shook my head no.
“Do you work here? Are you part of an international organization? Or did you marry a rich Arab?”
Ismael ran his fingers through his hair, slowly and with both hands, his brows furrowed. He had the same gestures as Elisha and a similar voice.
“What do you do?” I asked.
“Mostly … I get myself into trouble.” He laughed at his own joke. “I’m a photographer.”
I grinned. It all matched up.
“You’re smiling for no reason. I’m not an artist. I’m a wedding photographer.”
“Do you enjoy it?”
“Such a question can only come from a German. It pays the bills, that’s what matters most. Well, almost. The middle class in Palestine is pretending to be American high society. Which is good for me, since I’m making money off of that. Tomorrow I’ll take pictures of a wedding here, in a hotel in Ramallah, and the day after tomorrow I’m going to Jenin.”
“I was born in Azerbaijan,” I said.
“That’s far away.”
“Not that far.”
“That’s a Muslim country, isn’t it? Are you a Muslim?” he asked.
“No.”
“Christian?”
I shook my head. Ismael laughed and said, “Great! Then you’re a member of my denomination.”
“What is your denomination?”
“Rastafarian. Can I get you anything to drink?”
“No thanks.”
Ismael came back with two cups of Turkish coffee. He set one down in front of me, his eyes meeting mine.
“Would you do me a favor?” he asked.
“What is it?”
“Put on the jacket. You’re shivering. And seriously, what are you doing here?”
“Running away.” The words slipped out.
“From your husband? Did you cheat on him?”
I didn’t answer. Ismael ran both his hands through his hair again.
“Your husband is Arab, right?”
I nodded.
“Oh, man. That’ll end badly, I’m telling you.”
I shook my head and suddenly realized that a tear was running down my face. I couldn’t believe that I was crying over my own lies. I had a German passport, a well-paid job, and an apartment in Tel Aviv. I was free. Instead, I was sitting by myself in a cafe in Ramallah, crying and making up stories for a complete stranger. Just because he resembled Elisha. I felt a pain in my chest, like a needle piercing my lung. Everything went black. I shivered, struggling to remain conscious.
“Do you have anybody you can stay with?” Ismael’s words reverberated, muffled in my head. He put his jacket around my shoulders. I wanted to calm down, swallowed deep breaths, massaged my temples. I tried to look at him, to smile, but the pain grew worse, insistently clawing deeper into my stomach, my lungs, my heart, until my whole body was one black mass of pain.
I slowly breathed in and out—the pain was gone.
It was only then that I opened my eyes. I realized with some relief that I wasn’t in a hospital. I was lying on a sofa in a small, dark room. Ismael sat on the other end of the sofa, making sure that my legs were up. When he saw that I had come to again, he immediately took his hands off of me.
“Where am I?”
“In the cafe’s office,” Ismael whispered. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
I got up.
“Where are you going?”
“To settle the bill.”
“I guess you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”
“I’m fine,” I said as I swayed.
Ismael regarded me seriously.
“And where are you going, anyway?”
I raised my shoulders and let them slump again. “I don’t know.”
“You can stay with me. We can figure it out from there.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
“I’ll get the car, then I’ll come and pick you up. Do you have any luggage?”
I shook my head. Ismael left the room, then called out from the stairway: “Brave of you to marry an Arab.”
When I woke up it was midnight. I turned on the light. On the nightstand was a plastic bag, the colorful logo of a drugstore printed on the side. In it I found a toothbrush, toothpaste, a hairbrush, and skin toner. Ismael had thought of everything. I got up and went to the window, pulling back the curtain ever so slightly, like a voyeur. It looked out onto a parking lot. Nine rows of parked cars, illuminated by powerful neon lights and a guard booth with a TV flickering inside.
Ismael had insisted that I sleep in his double bed.
“No discussion,” he had said and pulled the door shut behind him. He’d huddled up in the bathtub, a blanket between him and the cold enamel, the pillow in his lap. I went to check on him a couple of times during the night. Saw him turning in his sleep, trying to adapt his body to the bathtub’s contours. In the early morning he lay stretched out on the tiles, between the sink and the toilet, quietly snoring.
That morning, he ordered room service, hung his camera over his shoulder, and left me alone with the food. I slept until noon, got up, took a long shower, and left.
The city center was pure chaos. Lurid colors and crowds of people filling every inch between honking cars, open workshops, cafes, veiled mothers with small, screaming children, Bedouins, Osama’s Pizzeria, and bakeries that made pita bread on round metal plates. It was only when I stepped out on the street and noticed the reactions around me that I became aware that I was walking around half naked by Arab standards.
From one instant to the next, I lost my strength. I barely managed to make my way to an inner courtyard. Once there, I crouched down next to two overflowing trash cans, the smell of sewage in the air. For a moment, I was sure I couldn’t bear it any longer. I thought I might scream. Then the intensity of the pain slowly ebbed off, until I could stand again and go.
“There are two options.” I said to Ismael when I entered the hotel room. He was standing next to the window, in an undershirt and boxer shorts. Tall and sinewy. He’d just gotten out of the shower and his scent was a mix of musky aftershave and flowery shower gel. A cigarette hung from the corner of his mouth. He quickly reached for his pants that lay on the bed and put them on.
“So, there are only two options,” I started again. “Either I wear this dress and get stoned as a harlot, or I put on something longer. But then I look like a Jewish settler and I’ll still get stoned.”
Ismael stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray, grinning. “I hope you’ll go with the first option.”
I sighed. “I knew you’d say that.”
“It’s not what you think. But I suspect it would be easier to save your life this way.”
I put my shopping bag down on the bed.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Our picnic.”
“On the bed?”
I nodded.
“We don’t have any plates.”
“I bought some. Cutlery, too.”
Ismael flung the pillows off the bed and sat down. He crossed his legs and watched me as I emptied my bag: fresh bread, olives, hummus, falafel, cheese and pastrami from a European deli, fruit, and Malabi.
We sat across from each other, eating in silence. I spotted a long scar on Ismael’s forearm that looked like it had come from a burn.
“Where’d you get that?”
He shrugged: “A bullet.”
“Israeli?”
“I didn’t ask about the manufacturer.” He smiled, lowering his shoulders again. “Maybe a German one, who knows? They call it development aid here.”
There were many more scars on his arms and on his chin, too. I didn’t dare ask how he got those. Ismael lit a joint and handed it to me. That night he slept in the bathroom again.
It took me a long time to fall asleep. I tossed from one side to the next. Then I dreamed of Elisha. He was wearing his hospital gown, his mouth contorted in pain. He was suffering. I wanted to touch him but he wouldn’t let me, said that I had let him die.